True story
Heaven Can Wait!
“Idovia” was my maternal grandmother’s name, but we called her “Dodo.” I must admit, she was a unique character. One thing for sure, she didn’t bargain with nonsense, and her tongue was as sharp as a two-edged swords. Furthermore, her fearsome stares were like murder attempts, so everyone knew not to piss her off whenever she was having a bad day.
After reading this story, you should pretty much sum up my Grandmother’s character. Enjoy!
“Now, Dodo what is it I heard you cursed the priest during your confession?” She was asked by one of my great uncles. 
As she pulled her donkey toward the gigantic mango tree, she did not even bother to turn her head back while she murmured, “Is it your damn business whether I cursed the priest or the angels?”
Her cousin replied, “You think you’re a tough old lady, but one of these days, the Good Old Lord will bargain with you couzin!”
After she tied the donkey, she slowly walks back toward him. Her bow legs were notable, which made her look even shorter standing next to him, but she was always fearless. She then placed both hands on her hip,
Yes, I’m as tough and raw as a steak, and stubborn as a mule. The Good Old Lord created me just like that, you have a proble with that? “Besides, that damn priest was asking me about my grand-daughter; had nothing to do with my confession!”
“Now cousin, he was just asking you about Angel, he probably missed the child since she’s been gone, what’s wrong with that?”
“Oh please, he’s not about to find out from me! Why the hell he wants to know anyway?”
The old man felt annoyed by her behavior, slightly raised his voice. “Now Dodo, you went to confession, instead, you end up sinning even more. So why even bother?”
“Oh please! Lived to be one hundred one years – Seen all the shit and neat in this life, cursing a priest won’t make any difference.”
After she rushed to grab a large piece of wood, she said “Now, don’t you raise your crocodile voice on me either, or I will bust every dry bone in your body.”
Since he knew he was tramping on thin ice, he started walking away. Standing at at distant from her, he said,
“Can’t imagine what could have gone so wrong so early in the morning; just five in the mornin’ cousin.”
She yelled, “Your face is what’s wrong cousin! “It’s bad enough you’re drinking my coffee at five o’clock in the mornin’ – but you show up here with your shirt looking like dirt buying filth to talk about my damn business!”
He yelled back, “Your coffee? Couzin this is not your coffee! Remember, I planted, harvested and even grilled the coffee beans before I gave them to you.”
After she snatched the cup from him she said, “AND? Still wasn’t no damn coffee till I broiled the water and add the sugar. Then I had to serve you in my damn cup too! Plus, while you’re sitting here farting on my chair, I have to stare at your face, looking like a bee nest.”
“You’re sure one mean woman – don’t know how the hell you got married!” He said.
“What can I say couzin? “Been in training here in hell since I was a little girl, and just about to transition to heaven now; away from you. Ain’t an easy task either!”
“Heaven?” Her cousin answered. “ If I were the Good Old Lord, I wouldn’t let you live one million miles from me; you’ll probably take over!”
“Damn right I will! – After I marry Him! Now get off my land before I bust your lips!”
HEAVEN CAN WAIT!
SPEECHLESS!
Words reference for this story:
Allo = Hello ….Bouche – Lips …Corm = Came….Horme = Home…
Idon-no wè-theyat = I don’t know where they are
Numero = Number
Prière = Prayer
Reard – Read
Soeur = Sister
Sung = song
Terll = Tell
Wat = Watchat we a talking – What we were talking
Wè-theyat = Where they at
Awe-ways dondat = Always done that
_________=Nothing is said
So I went back to visit the same church I went a couple weeks ago. You remember the debate about Psalm forty two? When the three elders could not decide if 42 was either a “5 & 2,” or “2×40+1+1=80?” If you have not read that story, I suggest you read it on my blog. It’s entitled “The Art of conversation with a Haïtian zest.” It will help you understand this story even better.
So, like I was saying, I went back to visit the Church. In fact, I made sure I sat near the same old folks. Only two of them were present this time. To my surprise, the pastor had placed a projector so everyone could read the song, and the scriptures on the board. I guess it was his effective way to help the old folks who could not find the scriptures last I visited. I was of course amazed by the pastor’s efficiency. Although I quietly said to myself: “Damn it! You took my story away!” But WAS-I-WRONG!
There is as saying in my country, which is the following: “To take a donkey near the lake of water is one story. But to force him to drink the water, is a whole different story.” This is exactly what came to mind last night, while I observed the two old folks. OMG!
Picture this: After the prayer, the worship service started.
First song projected on the board, with both the number of the song; (which by the way was #3) and the words, for EVERYONE to read. But listen to this:
First old lady: As she raised her hand: “Allo my soeur! You did not terll us the numero of the sung!”
The Worship leader kindly responded: “Brothers and sisters – Hello! Hello! Everyone! “Going forward, we are projecting the song number, and the actual words over there. (She’s pointing her finger toward the board.) “Also, the scriptures, along with the verses will be projected on that board as well. To start off with song #3, in the Chant D’esperance.”
While the whole congregation is singing. First old lady, talking to her partner in crime. I’m sure everyone were able to hear her:
“But, I still don’t see the numemo of the sung!”
Second voice: “Me too.” Then she whispered, “You see what we a talking last night?”
First voice answered: ‘If I want to wat TV I stay horme. I corm to church for singing, and for prière. But now, Mmmm! I don-no wè-theyat!”
So I walked closer to then and said: “Sisters, you don’t need to look for the song in the book anymore. But if you still wish to read it from your book, you can see the number on top of the board, it says #3 – do you see it?”
“Awww! Oui – Oui! I see – Oui!
And the words of the song, are right there also.” I opened the book of the song, and compared the words to the board. But as I read the words to them, I was in for a pleasant surprise.
When I said: “Qui brille en tous lieux” They answered me: “Qui B tzyeux.” So I acted as if I didn’t hear them, and kept on reading. Please note our differences on the following sentences:
My reading: Their answer
Proclamons sa grâce, ___________sa GA -ZE
Le pardon divin, Le poidon Zivin
L’amour efficace, L’anmou Eviigaze
Le Bonheur sans fin. Leur honèr zanvin
I sing the whole song with them, while constantly pointing my finger to the board, simultaneously to the song book. So I could reassure them, that both sources were equally the same.
“You see!” I told them. “What you see on the board, is the same thing with the book.”
But one answered, “I like to reard from the boork. I donlike TV.”
“Would you rather have both, the songs and the scriptures in creole instead? Perhaps it would be easier for you guys to read the board?
‘Hihihihiho!” That’s them laughing hysterically. They laughed and laughed. While I was wondering why? With a puzzled look on my face.
So one of them finally answered:
“Read? We don-no how to reard! And my sister don hear!”
You should see my facial expression, in slow motion: “You guys can’t read, and your sister can’t hear? But, she’s the one who asked for the song number!”
“Hihihihihiho! I know! She awe-ways dondat!!!”
“But, how come she knew the song # was not mentioned at first?”
“Hihihihihiho! “I reard at her bouche!”
“Hold on! Aren’t you the one who can’t hear? But, you just answered me!”
“Hihihihiho!”
OMG! I-was-speechless!
The Art of Conversation – With the Hatian Zest
As you read this story, keep these words in mind.
Bourk = Book
Deux = The
Firfty too = Fifty two
Fothy –too = Forty two
Fow = Four
Frenk = French
Hourze= House
Ma Soeur = My sister
Pasteur = Pastor
Reard = Read
Somme = Psalm
Too = Two
Woolcome = Welcome
So I went to visit one of the Haitian Church a few days ago. At first, I was convinced I was in the wrong church, because the greeters were too friendly. But when the praise leader finally said:
“Woolcome – Woolcome to deux hourze of the Lord!” I thought, ‘Yes! I’m at the right place!”
During the worship service, with all the drum and the guitar playing, I felt obligated to contribute my share in the party. So I danced till I shed a few pounds.
After an hour of dance, it was time for the reading of the word. A beautiful young lady first read the scripture in creole. She did an exceptional job. Following her, was an older lady who wore a bright yellow dress, and a large purple hat. After she was done reading the “Frenk,” I meant the “French” scripture. This was my prayer to the Lord: ‘Lord, please die on the cross all over again, so that woman may be forgiven for murdering the French language.”
As you know, the Lord’s compassion is great. Since He knows what’s best for us all. He decided to impair my hearing. It was not until I saw the lips of the congregants moving as if they were saying “Amen” I realized I could not hear well.
Of course The Lord healed me right away. I had to first apologize. During my prayer I told Him “Lord, I really didn’t know the cotton balls were actually going to get stuck so deep in my ears – Please Help!”
Next it was the Pastor’s turn to suffer. “We will reard from the bourk of Somme.” (Meaning: We will read from the book of Psalm). He was kind enough to translate everything he was saying in French, then in Creole as well. I think I will go back to his church, just because he was not only competent but handsome as well. At last we all stood up for the reading of the Word. Meanwhile, three older members were still struggling to find the “Psalm 42.” One finally spoke so loud, that everyone heard:
“No. The Pasteur said: “Somme fothy too. A three, and a too.”
The second one answered: “No. He said Somme “firfty too, a six and a too.
The guy who stood next to them said: “No. It’s a fow, plus a one, and a one.”
The first voice finally tapped my shoulder to ask me: “My soeur, which Somme the pastor said?”
So I answered “He said “Psalm 42; Four and a two, or 40 plus 2.”
The guy whispered back: “Fow and a too equal six. Oh, now I got it. It’s somme 46!”
The other voice responded “No. She said fothy, too times, so that somme eigh and zero.”
The pastor was so tired of the turmoil, he intervened in creole.
“No, I -said – Psalm – forty two. So, first, you will see Psalm 40, Psalm 41, then Psalm 42; which is number four, then a number two next to it. Psalm “4-2.”
The three old folks finally answered all together: “You hear? We are going to read Somme 40, Somme 41, and Somme 42. THEN we are going to read Somme 4, then Somme 2.” Is that right Pasteur? “
The Pastor smiled and answered:
“Why not. One can never have enough of God’s word! So let us all stand together to read PSALM FORTY TWO. Then you guys can read the other psalms silently!”
I went back the following Sunday. That’s another story.
laughtermedicineforthesoul 