I just had to share this post with you all. I don’t know who the writer is, but hats off!!!
I just gave away my last drop of blood. Yes, it was part of the pre-employment screening process for my new job.
And, as if that wasn’t enough for them, I had to deliver a loaf made from my skin as well.
That’s when I thought to myself, “I guess I should have saved some of my nails clipped from my last manicure too?”
Suddenly I heard, “Sure! And don’t forget a few string from your bushy hair as well.”
So I answered, “My hair too? Wow! “I should be compensated for?”
“For what?” She interrupted.
“For all that torture I’ve suffered so far. “You know? The pain from the pocking, skin slicing, and now my bald head?”
But she said. “That’s why we only hire senior citizens; because we figured they should be used to all that by now.”
Can you believe that ruthless “Faker nurse?” The nerve of her!
It’s a good thing I was smart enough to be as fake as she was.
Yes, sometimes you just have to learn how to be prepared for tragedy.
So for my blood, I gave her an ounce of rat blood.
Instead of my hair, she clipped a piece of my weave.
And, as for my nails, they were snatched from a senior citizen cat, who belong to my next door neighbor.
“Are you sure those are your nails?” She asked me.
“They are as old as I am.” I answered her smiling.
So, did I get the job?
“Of course, I did!”
I just relocated to Hollywood, remember? The City of make believe!!!
Today was so beautiful, I couldn’t stop singing. Yes, the hills were alive with the sound of music. But, not for long though. Mother Nature and her children claimed that my voice was a high degree hazard threatening their safety, so one of them triggered nature’s smoke alarm.
Yes, I suffered a third-degree sunburn all over my body. And, a snake almost bit my tongue off.
I was furious. “Are you guys for real?” I yelled. “Here I am singing my heart out to you guys and.”
“Are you guys for real?” I yelled. “Here I am singing my heart out to you guys and.”
But, before I could finish my sentence, I heard.
“First off, “We are Ladies, not “Guys.”
So I answered, “And, you ladies have your monthly visitor or something?”
“NO! Its just that, only Maria is welcome upon these hills.” They answered back.
So, later on, when I went back wearing Maria’s original dress. I even wore the same striped apron. And, since my hair was already shaved, I was looking just like a black version of Maria.
YES, IT WAS THE SAME DRESS!!!
In fact, the thrift shop owner where I actually purchased the dress from was originally from Austria. Seriously, she looked just like a typical Austrian woman. Yes, she was a dark skin African/American woman, with thick coarse hair, dressed like a Gipsy.
Well! What did you expect? For God’s sake, this is America.
And, for all of you doubters, that’s all I will say about that.
Gosh! Do I always have to explain myself?
Anyway, let me get back to my story: So when I went back to the hills. (Yes, I was singing and dancing, just like Maria.) Till shortly after, I heard,
“Hey, you jalapeno drum beat, this is California, not Florida!”
“How dare?” I thought to myself.
That’s before I answered then back “You dry sands; no wonder EARTHQUAKE is your middle name.”
“Exactly!” Another voice yelled. “And, with your chubby self stumping here, you’re certainly not doing us a favor either!”
“Gosh!” I screamed. “Here I’m dressed like Maria, dancing and singing my heart out, and you guys are still kicking me out of here.”
That’s when they all yelled back.
“Who told you to come audition here? THIS IS NOT HOLLYWOOD!!!”
So I yelled back: “What were you all expecting me to do here? I’m from the Von Trapp family, so, of course I’m trapped here!”
“Hold on, stop the press!” I borrowed this quote from my girlfriend Marie-Flore. I will write about the few days spent at her house while I was in CA later. But today, I want to address the Trump dilemma; America’s latest tragedy.
Sorry guys, I haven’t been able to write since my return from California. I’ve been preoccupied with my new invention. Yes, since I’m from the Caribbean and Mr. Suntan happen to be my best friend, I thought I better start researching an herbal skin bleach; just in case Donald Trump is elected president.
Donald Trump presidential slogan is: “Make America great again.” Assuming he’ll get rid of the foreigners. I find this interesting since Mr. Trump himself is the son of immigrants?
According to CNN, “Trump’ mother was born in Scotland. “In 1930, an 18-year-old Mary MacLeod sailed for America from Glasgow on the S.S. Transylvania, according to a copy of the ship’s passenger list on Ancestry.com. MacLeod arrived in New York and married Fred Trump, the son of German immigrants himself.”
Hold on! Stop the press!!!
Trump also claimed, “My grandfather Frederick Trump came to the United States in 1885.”
About his WIFE? CNN also stated, “Melania Trump moved to New York about 20 years ago.”
Yes, Donald Trump fell in love with the immigrant, Slovenian-born model, and they had an extravagant wedding ceremony. Guilty as charged, I was among million who watched the wedding ceremony. And, I was mesmerized by her glamorous gown which I heard cost a fortune.
By the way, Mr. Trump’s first wife Ivana was ALSO an immigrant. In fact, she was born in Czechoslovakia. OMG! Please stop the press!!!
I also read on Mr. Trumps website, “ Donald J. Trump is the very definition of the American success story, continually setting the standards of excellence in BUSINESS, REAL ESTATE, and ENTERTAINMENT.”
So, my question is: “What is he doing vampirizing the political realm?
Now my greatest fear is for the employees of the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services. Why? Because Trump might command their genocide.
Trust me, I already renewed my passport. In fact, I carry it with me everywhere I go. I even purchased a one-way ticket to Timbuktu City in Mali.
By the way, since Trump is doing such a great job tromping over the good values of the American people, don’t you think the name “TROMP” would suit him better?”
Well, Trump better be glad I’m not working for the State vital records office. I would gladly do him the honor for FREE!
Then his political slogan would read: “TROMP, Anything is possible in America!”
I’m a freak for beautiful things. Seriously; I will buy a set of porcelain plates just because I think the artist deserves an applaud.
I wish I could say the same for my children, but… God knows where those Mohicans came from.
Beautiful plate, wouldn’t you say? Sometimes, I just gaze at these beautiful creation just to admire the artist brilliance. That’s why I don’t negotiate my collections with anyone; not even with my children. Because my brats are yet to learn how to appreciate the value of artistic creations.
What can I say? I learned the hard way. I once had an antique table which I proudly gave to my first born. A couple weeks later, I almost had a heart attack when I visited her. And for her, it was like “What’s the big deal?”
“What happened to the table?” I asked her.
“Oh! I forgot the iron was hot when I placed it there.”
Since that day, I vowed “NEVER to trust anyone of those intruders with my collection until the day I can confuse their gray hair with pure white thread.
So, after my second daughter brought her house, guess what I did? I took pictures of everything I carried to her house. Not that she cares either. Check out my notes:
I don’t know, it’s something about beautiful site, that just takes my breath away. I will stop driving just to take a picture. Sometimes it’s the blinding colors from the sunrise; or, a beautiful garden. I feel anything beautiful is worth preserving.
For instance, my daughter has a beautiful crystal chandelier in her dining room. Look at it: The picture is not flattering enough, but trust me, it’s beautiful!
I’m also a freak when it comes to beautiful fabrics, French and Brussels laces… And you know what bother’s me? I practically have to hunt the thrift shop in order to find these valuable treasures. Now everything is from China, so we only get the make believe ones. Look at the French lace below. If I could still find this edging lace design, I would make myself a beautiful gown, and whenever I wear it, I would never speak to anyone ever again.
Now this is what I call a wedding handkerchief. No wonder the old folks marriage lasted forever. I bet you the wives did everything in their power to please their husband. Why? Because he was more likely the one paying the mortgage, so she had to reassure she had a place to safeguard her handkerchief collection. And, don’t forget her silverwares either!
Lastly, today a few swans came to visit our backyard. Since I’ve been here, I’ve seen ducks, flamingo, but never swans. My daughter even said:
“Mom, I’ve never seen swans since I’ve lived here, you think they were angels who came to visit us?
I answered her “Honey, we live in Florida, way too close to the Caribbean. I doubt the angels would risk breaking their wings with all the demons who live down here!”
Angels in disguise? No wonder they only remained in our backyard, hell is probably two floats away!!!
I knew a woman who despised her own daughter. When she told the love of her life she was pregnant with his second child, she was told he was getting married to another woman.” However, if the baby was to carry the father’s last name, the law required for him to marry after the baby was born. So, at the father’s request, the wedding was postponed till July, after the baby’s birth. Of course, his fiancé was not pleased as well. So the poor child, even prior to her birth, had managed to anger two women, who would eventually despised her.
The pregnant woman was furious of course. In despair to get rid of the baby, she drunk every tea known in her custom to prevent the fetus from surviving, but that little fighter kept on living anyway. She had previously expressed her intention to give the baby away after birth, but her mother warned her: “You will not do such a thing, and I better don’t hear anything happened to that baby either!” So, past the midpoint of her pregnancy, after drinking multiple cups of tea daily, when the woman realized the remedies were hopeless, she decided to have an abortion which was performed in secret back then.
One early morning after she left her house, while no one knew where she went. On her way to the doctor’s office, she noticed a dark tall man starring at her. In fact, he came and sit right next to her on the bus. After a couple minutes of silence, he finally asked her:
“Why are you about to commit this heinous act?”
Somehow, she was not surprised she said. She thought he was a seer. So she answered: “My body is mine to do as I’m pleased.”
He said:” You are about to have a special baby girl, a gift which you should cherish.”
She was furious by then, so she answered: “I don’t’ care! And, even if she’s to become the Queen of this country, I still don’t want her!”
His answer: “Go ahead, do as you’ve planned; “If you can!!!”
The woman claimed, as they both walked out of the bus, the man had disappeared. And later on, she was shocked to feel, just when about the time for the doctor to proceed with the abortion, the baby leaped in her womb, afterward kept on kicking. Finally, the doctor shook his head and said, “I cannot proceed with this procedure Mme. This baby is vividly alive, and constantly playing soccer in your womb. Besides, you would risk losing not only the baby, but your life as well, if I proceed.” She was furious of course. And when she went back home, she said she had one goal: “One way or the other, I will get rid of this baby.”
She continued her quest, she drunk several cups of tea daily. By her house was an unfinished wall, tall enough for her to jump off every morning. But, that little soccer player not only lived full term, she was also overdue. By then, the baby’s grandmother who closely monitored her pregnancy, had a dream one night. She saw a beautiful woman with a blue shawl, sprinkled with gold stars, came to tell her: “Be aware Idovia – the baby will be born tomorrow, and it will be a girl.” Immediately the old lady woke up, and sent news ahead: “Go tell that witch, who is my daughter, “The baby will be born today, and I’m on my way, and I better don’t see a scratch on her when I get there!” As the old lady heard in the dream, it was so. On the same day, while the woman was drinking her last cup of murder tea, she went into labor, and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. But she still wanted no part of her. Thankfully, the old lady was there to grab the baby from the woman. Then the old lady chose one of her best friend, to be the girl’s God-Mother, who also loved her dearly. Her father continued to care for her, although he married the other woman, a couple months later.
The little girl was special indeed. She had a heart full of love and compassion for everyone around her, particularly for the poor. Quite often, she had vision, and vivid dreams about her surrounding and the future. She was loved by everyone, with the exception of her mother. Unfortunately, the woman’s heart was so hardened against the child that she would never learn to love her daughter. But, the Almighty’s sense of humor should never be questioned. For He gave the little girl a gift of genuineness, which was enough to drive her mother insane!
- At three she would tell her mother whom she called auntie: “I can see angel’s auntie, but you will see demons because you are not nice to me.”
- At four, she would not drink tea, instead she will answer: “Drunk enough tea from auntie’s stomach, now am immune to poison.”
- At five after a butt whooping, she would tell her: “You are too mean, and God don’t like evil, so don’t blame me if He calls you home today.” (Thank God, her grandmother kept her away for a couple weeks.)
- At five, when the milk lady came to collect her money, and when her brother told the lady: “Mom is not here, and she forgot to leave the milk money.” The little girl answered, “Why are you lying? Mom is right behind the door lady, think she was waiting for you, since she saw you coming!”
- At six, after she dreamed her mother was leaving in a plane, she ran toward her mother with excitement to tell her:
“A man with long hair just told me “You see that plane up there, your mother will soon get in that plane, for she wil travel to a faraway land.” The mother who was talking to a friend slapped the girl on her lips. When the girl asked her “Why did you slapped me for? It’s the truth” The mother replied:” Because you are talking about my damn business”. The girl then said: “If it was only your damn business, the old man wouldn’t have told me about it!”
“You say one more word, and I will cut off that smart tongue of yours. Go head, just one more word!” The mother said out of anger.
The girl remained quiet for a moment, then she walked back toward her bed to lay down. The mother yelled, “Why did you go back to bed? It’s time to get up!”
The young girl answered: “I know. But I went back to bed to see if I can go back to sleep, because I forgot to ask the old man something.”
“What did you forget to ask him? Get off the bed I said.”
The girl answered: I forgot to ask him if you were coming back after you left iin that plane? “If so, could he use his magic to make sure you never come back!”
The end of the story: “Let say it was a good thing the little girl was able to run at the speed of lightning to the church next door!” LOL
“Idovia” was my maternal grandmother’s name, but we called her “Dodo.” I must admit, she was a unique character. One thing for sure, she didn’t bargain with nonsense, and her tongue was as sharp as a two-edged swords. Furthermore, her fearsome stares were like murder attempts, so everyone knew not to piss her off whenever she was having a bad day.
After reading this story, you should pretty much sum up my Grandmother’s character. Enjoy!
“Now, Dodo what is it I heard you cursed the priest during your confession?” She was asked by one of my great uncles.
As she pulled her donkey toward the gigantic mango tree, she did not even bother to turn her head back while she murmured, “Is it your damn business whether I cursed the priest or the angels?”
Her cousin replied, “You think you’re a tough old lady, but one of these days, the Good Old Lord will bargain with you couzin!”
After she tied the donkey, she slowly walks back toward him. Her bow legs were notable, which made her look even shorter standing next to him, but she was always fearless. She then placed both hands on her hip,
Yes, I’m as tough and raw as a steak, and stubborn as a mule. The Good Old Lord created me just like that, you have a proble with that? “Besides, that damn priest was asking me about my grand-daughter; had nothing to do with my confession!”
“Now cousin, he was just asking you about Angel, he probably missed the child since she’s been gone, what’s wrong with that?”
“Oh please, he’s not about to find out from me! Why the hell he wants to know anyway?”
The old man felt annoyed by her behavior, slightly raised his voice. “Now Dodo, you went to confession, instead, you end up sinning even more. So why even bother?”
“Oh please! Lived to be one hundred one years – Seen all the shit and neat in this life, cursing a priest won’t make any difference.”
After she rushed to grab a large piece of wood, she said “Now, don’t you raise your crocodile voice on me either, or I will bust every dry bone in your body.”
Since he knew he was tramping on thin ice, he started walking away. Standing at at distant from her, he said,
“Can’t imagine what could have gone so wrong so early in the morning; just five in the mornin’ cousin.”
She yelled, “Your face is what’s wrong cousin! “It’s bad enough you’re drinking my coffee at five o’clock in the mornin’ – but you show up here with your shirt looking like dirt buying filth to talk about my damn business!”
He yelled back, “Your coffee? Couzin this is not your coffee! Remember, I planted, harvested and even grilled the coffee beans before I gave them to you.”
After she snatched the cup from him she said, “AND? Still wasn’t no damn coffee till I broiled the water and add the sugar. Then I had to serve you in my damn cup too! Plus, while you’re sitting here farting on my chair, I have to stare at your face, looking like a bee nest.”
“You’re sure one mean woman – don’t know how the hell you got married!” He said.
“What can I say couzin? “Been in training here in hell since I was a little girl, and just about to transition to heaven now; away from you. Ain’t an easy task either!”
“Heaven?” Her cousin answered. “ If I were the Good Old Lord, I wouldn’t let you live one million miles from me; you’ll probably take over!”
“Damn right I will! – After I marry Him! Now get off my land before I bust your lips!”
HEAVEN CAN WAIT!