true story

The Blunt Family

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Two of my girls have no filter whatsoever. I try not to take it personal whenever they spur their mind in the open. Frankly, the apples couldn’t have fallen too far from the tree.
One day during dinner three of my daughters were conversing among themselves. While I – could – hear- everything.
“Gosh, if Mom dies now, who’s going to cook this dish for us? We don’t know how to cook it; and, last time we ordered from the Haitian restaurant, it tasted nothing like Mom’s.”
My third daughter answered.“Oh crap! You are right! Then you better learn how she makes it before she drops dead on us!”

Acting as dumb as a mule, I said. “I’m so tired, with all my body aching, I feel as if I’m about to drop dead.”

“They all promptly yelled “Oh no Ma, you can’t die yet – We don’t know how to make the Legume!”

“Are you girls kidding me? Is this the only reasons you want me to stay alive?”

“No Ma. But, this is most of the reason.” The second one answered.

“In fact, all the kids from Tatie’s (Aunt) neighborhood would feel bad if you die.”

Then they all answered together, while laughing: “Just because of your cooking too!”

The second one replied again, “Besides, we are so used to hear you saying “I’m dying.” We don’t even take you seriously anymore.”
“About if one day I really drop dead, after I say that?”
She answered. “Then we will say:
“Oops! I guess she really meant it this time!”

With children like mine, why wish to die?  Indeed, I was served a cup of my own medicine that day. But, like I said, I tried not to take them seriously. Considering..
I’m fifty… and just now learning how to “sugar coating’ my words. I have a hard time understanding why people have to be fony, or hypocritical. No, I’m not like my children. I’m just not a hypocrite. I actually have an allergic reaction whenever I sense this tendency from anyone. I will withdraw myself from you completely. In fact you won’t even remember if I exist. My philosophy is: “If you don’t mean what you are saying, don’t say it at all.”

My husband on the other hand, had no problem  calling everybody “YOU STUPID!” Particularly when they miss pronounced his last name.  In fact, my third daughter’s first word was stupid!  Seriously.  Soap or herbs couldn’t wash that word from her mouth.

I always dreaded the doctor’s visits with my husband. He refused to understand our last name was unusual.  Imagine being a nurse, who went to school in California. You were unfortunate enough to stumble on your next patient file, with the following name:
Cassendre Revangué Kouakoua. Yes, that was the name of my second daughter.

Therefore, since you could not pronounce the French/African STRANGE NAME, you’ve never even heard of before. You decide to walk toward the patient lobby, while holding the file, you are try your best to say:
“Ca – Ca – ssen-drè RE – KOVAKOVA?”

The father who happened to be my ex-husband, with both his hands on his pocket, he stood up. While he walks toward you, he’s staring at you, from your toes, up to your head. Before he says:
“Have you ever been to school or NOT?” “STUPID!!!”
You answer kindly: “My apology Sir, but I don’t know how to.”

“Well! Don’t you know how to read?”
Meanwhile, where is his wife, who happened to be “ME?”
Hiding behind him, with my purse over my head! Since my daughter was too heavy,  I couldn’t possibly use her as an umbrella.
So do you see what I mean?

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The Little Rascal Lizard

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woman and lizardI was sitting in the backyard, enjoying the beautiful Lakeview at my daughter’s house. In fact, I felt so relaxed, with a twist of happiness, I felt the urge to look up and say, “Thank you God!”

I guess He was annoyed by my gratitude. It started to rain like crazy. To be correct, it was almost STORMING immediately after I uttered my heartfelt thanks.
The gush of rain was so heavy, by the time I ran toward the glass door, I was soaking wet.

“Is this how you repaid me?” I yelled.

You know me? I couldn’t just swallow my anger. I had to let Him know how I really felt. I mean, if you were me, wouldn’t you? So I yelled again.
“Are you for real God?”
No, He did not answer me. But, amazingly, just about then, I noticed a tiny lizard staring at me. I assumed it was trying to escape from the rain, and ran inside when I opened the glass door. And, since I didn’t have the heart to kick him out, I whispered to him.
“Ok. You can stay inside. But, you better never let my daughter see you here. In fact, go hide in the garage.”
But to my surprise, before I could walk toward the garage door, the little rascal had jumped on me. And, for the life of me, I couldn’t tell where it was hiding.
So I started screaming, “AHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” And, skipping all over the house, while I snatched off my clothes.

I finally stopped screaming because the hot water almost caused me to choke myself, since I was in the tub, steaming my body in the shower.
Afterward, I placed all my clothes in the tub for a hot bath, I gladly assumed: “That should have killed the little rascal.”

About an hour past, when I was certain the house was lizard free, I thought I would start painting.

Don’t tell my daughter this part OK. She took off to Portugal and left me in the house all by myself. Before she left, she asked:
“You are not going to pain here, are you Mom?”
“What an insult?” I thought to myself, before I answered her.
“Paint here?”

Of course, the same day after her departure, I rushed back to my house, retrieved my canvas, my two LARGE bags of paints and brushes.

Can you imagine the thrilling inspiration, when I found out I was going to spend the whole week by myself, with a nice lake view at my disposition?
Yes, other artist would probably feel inspired to paint something about nature, perhaps the lake itself. But, I’m a bit different. Perhaps, even strange. So I painted some ladies dancing the panda dance, with an ugly guy beating the drum. I also finished my grand-parents painting.

So, to get back to my lizard story. After I broiled the little rascal in the tub, I felt the urge to start painting. In fact, I even had my glass of red wine ready, in order to seal the deal.
But, when I finally grabbed my canvas, guess who was staring at me; dozed off to sleep, on my largest canvas?

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I – will – NEVER – EVER- feel sorry for a baby lizard – AGAIN!
“Seriously God, ARE YOU FOR REAL?”

This Is A True Story

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plane

What would you do if you were among the passengers who were ready to take off for a nine hours flight, but you heard a sudden  loud “BOOM,” from the plane?

Yes, you heard me right! The plane was practically still on the ground when my unbelievable strange daughter heard that boom, and do you know what she did?

“NOTHING!” She just said:

“Ohoh! C’est quoi ça?” Meaning: “What was that?”

So I asked her, “Since the plane was still on the ground, did you take off  RUNING FOR YOUR LIFE?”

“No. “they announced it was something to do with the “PLANE MOTOR.”  Therefore we were told to remain seated until they “FIXED IT.

So, let me get that straight. “You were in a plane to Portugal, and before it even took off, it abruptly stopped. EVERYONE PANICKED. And even after you heard it was  the motor malfunctioned, you were crazy enough to sit there and wait, for them to fix it, with the hope you will travel ALL NIGHT in the same plane.”

“Yeah! But they had the nerve to tell us “The damage was too major, requiring a special order from Portugal.”

“They had the nerve, while you lacked the sense. You both were a perfect match.” I told her.

“Well Mom, that happens sometimes, But I trust they know what they are doing.”

Do you know my daughter had the nerve to call the same air plane company by 6:00 A.M the following morning, to find out when “THE SAME PLANE WAS TAKING OFF?”

WARNING: This is how your children will turn out if you marry an aeronautic engineer. SO BEWARE!

My ex-husband was still attending Northrop University when our daughter was born. I recalled nearly every weekend, we would drive near the LA airport, parked the car so near, where we could practically smell the planes as  they landed, in order for him to identify the models number,  write down all the details for his school assignment. Back then I feared my daughter would turned out to be deaf, instead she turned out to be immune to plane explosion.

So after she made about a dozen calls, they finally confirmed, “The flight had been cancelled!”

Thank God, my prayers and my whole day fasting were answered. For once, God heard my emergency call.

But after a couple hours, I heard “Let’s go Mom.”

“Let’s go where?”

“To the airport.”

“Are YOU CRAZY?”

“Don’t worry, travelling with another company.”  She answered calmly. The downfall,  I will just have to take three  planes  instead of one.

Was I relieved. Of course, that was before I yelled, “THREE PLANES, are you crazy??????”

Why not? Daddy used to do it all the time!

Bandit Mikko

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Angry cattMy cat Mikko thinks he can bully us around. At one point, he was the chief terrorist in our neighborhood. But, when he became sick, he was treated, then we decided to transition him to an in-house cat. Of course, it’s a nerve-racking transition for him.

He still craves to go outside. He has nightly tantrum and refuses to let us sleep. To get our attention, he’ll scratch the windows, doors, runs back and forth all over the house; even Jump on the bed, dresser, slams his head/ his body against anything he can manage to break.

I swear this cat does not think he’s an animal.

So last night, when he noticed he was being ignored in spite of his unbelievable bandit performance, he decided to attack his little friend Moina, our female cat. At last, the poor cat was forced to hide inside the closet. But Mikko was still not satisfied. So when I tried to intervene, he turned toward me to hiss at me like a snake.

“Mikko, you better stop it!” I yelled back.  But he was way too angry. So he turned around to say,

“Meowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww – get the hell out of here!

For the first time I was really scared of my cat, but I couldn’t show him that. So I stared back at him and yelled:

“MEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW – YOU BETTER STOP OR I WILL TAKE YOU THERE MYSELF!!!”

I did such an unbelievable performance, that Mikko froze for a few seconds; while he stared at me, he then ran to hide under the bed.

Well, I’m not certain what really drove him away – between my roaring tone of voice or my horns?

But  one thing  I was certain of, “Cats can see demons.

The Sin Of Self Righteousness

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self righteousness

My sister, niece, including one of my daughters, were all waiting for the arrival of my siblings, who are Jehovah Witnesses. As I wrote in my previous post, they were on their way to see our father. As for me, I was seating on the dining room table with my PC open on a blank page, waiting to capture this historic encounter for my humor blog.

But I must tell you, my daughter was still in denial. She refuses to believe my siblings would not speak to me because I previously renounced the Jehovah witness teachings after nearly four years studying with them.

“Mom, I know Tatie (auntie) and uncle would never stop talking to you because of that. So today if you talk to them, I’m sure they will answer you.”

“No Cassie, the perfectionist fake Christians think I’m the offspring of Satan, therefore they are forbidden to speak to me.“

self righ

The last conversation my brother and I had  after he was ordained to be an elder. He told me “contrary to the ordinary members, as an elder now, he had the authority to talk to me, only with the hope to rescue my soul.”

I answered him “If you think you have the right to judge me as a repulsive soul, the authority you think you have must be hidden inside your pants, preferably inside your shithole!”

“I’m an ordained Elder from the J.W. organization, so yes I have the authority!” He replied proudly.”

I was annoyed by his arrogance. “Oh yeah! Your authority came from men, and not of God, now Am I obliged to listen to you, so take a hike!”

After a brief silence, he said: “Well, apparently you are listening to all the other preachers. As you know, Satan is the God of this world, and all the other religions who are teaching heaven as their final destination are under his jurisdiction. So you just chose your own destruction.”

“Yes brother! And YOU the Jehovah Witnesses are the freaking lowest level souls, who know nothing about love or charity, compassion or forgiveness. You destroy family ties, even moral values and tradition through your false teachings. You aim to take from the world while giving nothing in return. It’s a good thing your hope being earthbound for eternity, so all of heaven SHIT will be falling on you guys! Great reason for us to add cabbage to our daily meal!”

Highly Recommended!

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I love Catholic schools.  I think their academic standards are excellent, although I still question some of their religious beliefs.  Yes, I respect their worldwide excellence in contributing not only on an academic level, but charitable as well.  Furthermore, I have to admit, while my siblings went to Catholic school during most of their academic training, I on the other hands went there, during some of my academic years.  Honestly, one day I could not stop myself. I felt obliged to squeeze the wrath out of one particular nun. That’s when I asked her the following question:

angry nun 2

“Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?”

Yap! She was one of my elementary school teacher. Her name Was Sister Marie, but I called her “Sister Morte,” which meant in French “Sister Dead”

“What did you say?” She answered me. So I repeated:

“Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed THIS MORNING?”

“Venez ici – Petite impertinente!” Meaning “Come here you little impertinent!”

I did not budge. “Come here – I said!” As she slightly raised her voice.

“Not with that ruler in your hand Sister! Remember, last time you hit me so hard,  the palm of my hand turned as red as a plum tomatoe. Yes, it was swollen for two days, just because I wore a blue SOCK instead of WHITE!”

So, as she proudly raised her chin, she said: “The prowwww-per uniform code is “Whittt’e shirt. Naaaa-vy blue skirt. AND “white,” Yes “WHITTT’E Sock!”  But, you were wearing BLUE sock, and today, you are still wearing a BLUE SOCK!”

So I answered her in the same tone: “Well Sister MORTE, do you remember that I Aaaaaam a chiiiiiiii-ld  and, this is what the sorcière (meaning witch) caring for ME, gave ME to wear this morning? For all I know, you both are probably sisters!”

“Young lady, you must not call your mother a witch.” By then she was trying to grab me by my ear.

So I started playing jump rope between the chairs, so she could not catch me, while I answered her: “For your information, I was not referring to my mother, because she lives in New York, while Im here in Haïti, with another hateful woman.  I BET you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you? “Since you are stuck between these four walls, like you were in jail, where you deserve to be!”

“Ok young lady, I’m taking you to the principal office!”

“Good! Because I don’t want to be in your class anyway!” Then, I ran out of the class before she could catch me.

She took a short cut and met with me near the garden where I was standing admiring the flowers. As soon as she saw me, she straightened her posture, raised her chin in the air, made her look like a flat iron board, as she walked passed me.  She occasionally turned back to stare at me, by then I was hoping on one leg, while I held the other leg with my hand. By the look she gave me, I could read in her mind; “as if she thought of me as the child from hell. But couldn’t bring herself to say it, for fear she would see a reflection of herself.”  So I kept on hopping.  Annoyed, she finally turned toward me to say in a calm voice:

“Young girls must not hop like this, so walk properly!”

So I replied “And dead nun should not walk with their chin up, a fly may come and hide inside their nose!”

So I kept on hoping. Then I saw another bush of pink roses. They were so beautiful, I felt compelled to at least touch them.  While I admired them, I also cut a handful to make a bouquet for Sister Claire. She was my favorite nun, and she was not only beautiful but pleasant as well.  But when sister Morte noticed I was cutting the flowers, she yelled, “Leave the flowers alone!”  So I turned to her and said:

flowers

“And WHY?”

“Because they are not here for you to cut, but to beautify the school yard – Petite impertinente!”

“Excuse me Sister Morte, but If you were a true nun, you would understand that God created these gorgeous flowers not only to beautify the schoolyard, but for me to give them to my favorite sister, and it’s not for you either!  And I bet you will never get some flowers because you are too mean!”

Just as I was shaking my little head, with my butt pointing behind, I sensed a presence. When I turned, it was my favorite priest, standing with his arm crossed over his fat stomach. Then he said: “Another feud between you two?”

“Good morning Father Bald head!” I shouted with a smile.

But she greeted him without a smile “Good morning father Pierre.”

Father Pierre pleasantly answered, “Good morning! And good morning to you both! But what is going on between you two again?”

As she held both of her hands together, as if she was about to say a prayer, she promptly answered, “Father, I highly recommend we transfer this troubled child to a more suitable school.” Furthermore, I strongly recommend some major penance for her as well, or I’m afraid she will be a lost case.”

Father Pierre turned to me with a questionable stare, awaiting an answer. Thankfully I had just watched the movie Dracula for the first time, so I had a whole bucket full of new expression. I held both of my hands together just as she did, like I was about to saymy prayer. Then I answered him:

“Father Bald head, I think you should return Dracula’s wife back to him. If not, Sister Morte will suck all the children blood from this school!”

angry nun 3

To be continued

Return To Sender

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chaka

It was the custom of the old folks in my family to leave a cup of coffee on the side for our ancestors. They believed if they continued to feed our ancestors, they would remained strengthened, since the chief family members were somehow ordained to protect those who were still alive.  Looking back, I was about two years old, when I started drinking their coffee. In fact, I also thought they would need help with the large plate of food reserved for them as well. Eventually both, my grandmother and my aunt found out about my innocent venture, so they thought they needed to teach me a valuable lesson. But from what I heard, they were the one who were left intrigued.

I’m told I was four years old when this incident happened. Apparently, for three consecutive days, I was enjoying myself while feasting on the ancestor’s food. Afterward, I would walk outside to yell to the old folks: “Mm-Mm! Gran Do, the spirit said the food was good!” “Gran Do, who was my grandmother thought something was strange.  “This is strange!” She said.  “The ancestors sure ate that food fast – They usually would send a visitor, or a beggar to ask for some food, or the food would remain till completely dried out.”

Of course, I was too young to understand my grandmother’s concern, so I just kept on eating. But after three consecutive day, my grandmother cooked a dish named “Chaka,” which was a blend of corns, beans, squash, coconut, you name it – it had it! On that day however, while I was eating the bowl of Chaka, I fell asleep, with the bowl right on top of my chubby stomach. So Gran Do who happened to walk inside the house, saw me snoring my heart out. The bowl of Chaka spilled all over my body, my whole face, and my hands were bathed in Chaka. Now Gran Do who didn’t know what to think, decided to call her older sister.

“Now, don’t know what to think of this Sis – You think the child has been eating the spirits food?” She asked auntie.

“Don’t know Sis – Don’t know! But she’s been telling me she ain’t hungry for dinner. I was going to give her a laxative on Saturday!”

We need to find out, before those spirits get angry at the child.” Gran Do said.

“Well! She is family, sure they won’t hurt her, but we can still test her to see if she’s the one  eating them food. She loves fish you know, so let’s make some fish tomorrow and place it on the ancestors table again.”

But Gran Do answered: “I will make some fish all right, but will teach her a lesson. Will put all the pepper and the salt I can put my finger on, in that fish – “Have to teach her a hard lesson, or this child is doomed to be too much for us to handle later on.”

“Well, what do you expect Sis. Both on her mamma and Papa side are Moses – Didn’t you hear  what the priest said in church? That Moses man from the Big book opened the ocean with his little finger, and killed all the Gyptians? That’s a lot of power for one man. For all we know, he’s probably the one eating all the food through that poor child – The child is unusual, must say!”

“Well – don’t care sis. After I’m done with her, some of that power should leak through her tongue, nose, even her ears, because she’ll be screaming “HOT through her butthole!”

So Gran Do and her sister did as they had planned. In fact, the fish was seasoned with so much hot pepper, that tears dropped from their eyes as they were cooking. Finally, after they served the ancestors the large fish, which they placed on their special table, the old folks sit outside waiting.  About half an hour later, I ran out of the house, with the plate of fish, screaming my heart out:  “Gan Do, THE SPIRIT SAID THE FISH IS TOOOOOOO HOT – HOT – HOT – HOT!!!”

Both Ma Do and auntie dropped themselves on the floor, as they could not stop laughing. However, since they had already prepared some cold lemonade, they decided to show me some mercy, so they both rushed toward the lake, the direction they saw me take off. But when they arrived there, they were shocked to see my whole body lying flat on the ground, with my head toward the lake, under the water, while the plate of fish was still next to me.  When I eventually lifted up my head, it was just to grab another bite, then to dip my whole head under the water again. I continued the same process, till I ate the whole fish.  After I was completely done, I sunked my whole body under the water while I rinsed the wood plate which held the fish. The old folks stood at a distance while watching me in action. I finally walked toward them, and when I noticed them, I handed the plate back to then, and said:

“Mm-Mm! Gran Do and auntie, the spirit love the fish, but was a bit too spicy. The spirit said, you can make some more tomorrow!”

“Auntie shook her head in disbelief, then turned to Gran Do to say: “Sis, is she an angel, or a demon?  I think we need to place her in a box, send her back to her papa, and have Jonas write a note: “Return to Papa!”

hand rts

“Ma Do answered, “Are you crazy? The child has enough fire in her to destroy Satan and hell three times over. Besides, whether she’s an angel or demon, with her on our side, should guarantee us a good post in heaven, or hell. “So I say she ain’t going nowhere!!!”

Auntie answered: “You sure right Sis. – You sure right! In this case, let’s make her some more fish tomorrow, she sure liked it!”

“She sure did – But with just a little pepper!”

But tomorrow after I ate the fish, I said “Did you old folks forgot how to cook? The spirit said “Not enough pepper!”