humor

CALIFORNIA YOU GOT SOME X-PLAININ’N TO DO!!!

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Ok. A couple months ago I thought I died and went to heaven, but I was wrong.  This whole week, while driving to work, my face felt like a burnt toast ready to be trashed. So when I realized I was in hell, I started screaming for  “HELP!”

“CALIFORNIA, YOU GOT SOME XPLAININ TO DO!!!

hell

Yes, I just relocated from Florida, “So why am I back in  hell?” I asked.

One of the rattlesnakes crawling on the ground answered back, “You fool, can’t you tell you’re work in  the desert,  and where you’re ssss’standing,  hell resides right below?”

“Are you Hellish kidding me?” I said to him.

But after he slapped his flaky chest he said: “Hey, you Island girl! Do I look like I have time to Kidd around? With  my tail constantly sprinkled with jalapeno peppers and grilled well done?”

“Wow!” I said. “No wonder it feels like 9,000 degrees Fahrenheit here.”

“You think this is hot; wait till you feel 11,000 degrees!”

“You can’t be serious? I better start calling on Father Abraham for help then!”

“Father Abraham? This is California, remember? You better call on Santa Monica or San Diego?”

Saint_Augustine_and_Saint_Monica

 

“Yes, but in the Bible, when the rich man was tormented in hades, he looked up to Abraham and asked him to, “Have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’

“Exactly. La-za-rus – Got it? Spanish name.”

Suddenly, a red-tailed hawk made his appearance. He had a restless stare on his face, as if we were disturbing his nap time.

“Oh yeah!” He said. “ Are you one of the rich spoiled brat from Fleau-rida?”

“No, ssss’she’s from the Islands.” The Rattle snake answered.

But the hawk replied, “No, she’s from Fleau-rida. If this was not the case, she would have melted here long time ago!”

“No stupid.” The rattke snake said. “The Islands can be like hell on earth, don’t you know that? They have both of hell combination; heat and poverty”

“OK that’s enough!” I yelled.

To my surprise, they both shut up. Well! At least for a few seconds. Till the hawk calmly walked toward me to say,  “Bet it’s not too late to call on San Diego for some help!”

“San Diego? But, the rattle snake over there told me to call on Santa.”

“Santa Clara?”

“No. Santa Monica.”

“Hell!” I heard from behind me. When I turned back, it was a Leopard frog.

“This is California, so as long as you place a “SAN” before any name, you’ll call on a Saint. Last I called on SAN Hagar, a well of water made its appearance right here in the desert.”

Great! So let me call on San Mahatma to warn my siblings not to join me in this heat.”

Then, a sagebrush answered from a distant, “Child, they have the Dalai Lama, let them listen to him. At least he’s still alive!”

“No fools!” The Leopard frog yelled. “This is California remember? So for God’s sake you need to call on “SAN BERNADINO!!!”

san bernadino

The sagebrush yelled back “God’s sake?”” It’s too late for that, don’t you think? She’s  from the Island!!!”

“Will you all SHUT UP! I’m burning here!” I yelled from the top of my lungs.

They all whispered back:

“And, she’s wondering why she’s in hell?”

 

 

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Damned Good Souls

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dimentia 2

“Now Miss Ladesse you’re a one damn good soul- Swear to God – swear to God.” Said the old man. He was still sitting down on his lazy boy while holding his cane. With his righ hand, he was sipping his cup of coffee she had just prepared for him.  The young nurse smiled before she answered him.

“Well thank you Mr. D, but you mean” I’m a good soul?”

“Swear to God Miss Ladesse. Swear to God. There’re no damn good soul left here on this earth!”

“Mr. D  you mean only the good souls are left? ”

“No Miss Ladesse. NO. There are no damn good souls left. I swear to God-Swear to God.”

Well, shouldn’t we be rejoicing about that Mr. D?”

“Rejoycing? No damn good soul left here and I should be happy about that? What’s wrong with you Miss Ladesse?”

“Mr. D. Don’t you think the world should be a better place without the damned good souls.”

“NO IT WON’T! Sure ain’t! If the damn good souls are gone, only the damn bad souls are left here, what to rejoice about?”

hot pepper

“Mr. D, if they are good souls then, why are they damned? I’m not a damned good soul, I’m a good soul.”

“Well Miss Ladesse, I don’t know about you, but I’m one damn good soul, and I thought you were one too, but I guess I was wrong.”

“Mr. D I’m still a good soul.”

“And this is exactly what I’m trying to tell you here Miss Ladesse.  “ You’re one damn good soul.”

“But, I thought you just said there were “no damned good soul left here Mr. D?”

“That’s not what I said Miss Ladesse. The old man yelled. You’re not hearing me right. “I said there are no damn good souls left here, but you and I are sure two damn good ones left here.  Swear to God-swear to God.”

But Mr. D, if we are two good souls, why do you refer to us as ‘two damned souls?”

“That’s just the way it is Miss Ladesse. Swear to God, I swear to God! “But damn it, for a damn good soul, you sure are one damn stupid sould, if you can’t get what I-SAYIN!!!”

Slowly Waking UP

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mc5

We all get in a bad mood sometimes, don’t you agree?  But why?

As for me, I’m thinking of  a good answer to lie about, but I can’t seem to come up with one, so I guess I will have to be honest.

Dawn it! Sometimes I just don’t want to see anybody’s face.PERIOD. Yes, I simply don’t want to be bothered. That’s all! Of course, there are some days when the artistic side of me is dominating. And of course, I know my day will be spent either drawing, painting or writing. And the not even a fly better don’t come near me tehn. Or, I will smatch it into powder. Yes,  any “Hi” or “How are you?” will annoy the hell out of me.

But some people just dont’ get it!

Shuut! “If I stay in my room, or I don’t take the time to call you, what makes you think I want to talk to you – Even worse; I want to converse with you?”

And, my children are not any better. Sometimes I think they just enjoy anoying me.

“Hi Mah!” ( “Mah” Is how my girls call me.) I don’t know if they think I’m a mule or something!

“Hi Mah!”

I usually just stare at them. Yes, total  SILENCE  (And I mean, I will totally ignore them.)

2nd time: “HI MAH!”

3rd time: “HI MAH!”

Me at last: WHAT?

By the way, that was just the appetizer. The main course usually goes this way.

“HI Mah!”

Me: I give “The Look.”

“The look really stands for “Do I look like I want to talk to you right now?

“SO BUZZ OFF!!!”

But my children are as much of a brat as I am. So they will make sure the news go viral as they start charting immediately.

“Guess what? “Mom is in a crappy mood today!”

“Oh yeah! Let’s see!” One will say.

“Play Time!” The most annoying one will say.

A few minutes later, my phone start ringing.

Phone ringing.

1st Time……….  I ignore it.

2nd Time…….. I ignore it.

3rd Time……… I finally answer:

“Hi Mah! Are you ok?

Me: Yes, bye, ok. leave me alone -drop dead!

Phone ringging again.

1st, 2nd, 3r time I finally answer:

Me: “WHAT???

The caller: “Hi Ms. Moise,  You signed your name to volunteer at the youth activity center, so we were just calling to let you know that we received your background  result today! Isn’t it great! So, how soon do you think you’ll be able to start?”

Me: “Are you kidding me? After the way I just answered you, you still trust ME to interact with the…?”

Caller: “Of course! Why wouldn’t I? In fact,  I think you would be a perfect fit!” By the way, you were just having a tantrum, WEREN’T YOU? Or, is it just a bad day for you my dear?”

Me: “Actually yes, today is just a bad day, plus I just didn’t want to be bothered  and my kids kept on calling me “Hi Mah! -Hi Mah! “I feel LIKE…rrrrr!”

Caller: Oh! Trust me, I understand where you’re coming from. “Well, just to give you a brief on our little angels here at the center, most of them who are sent here are ex-convicts, thieves, murderers, compulsive liars and drug addicts; I think we even have a couple who killed their siblings, their grandma, their rats and cow; so they should keep you busy, don’t you think?”

Me: Su-sure! – DIAL TONE.

Fifteen minutes later.

Door open: “Hi Mahhhh! How are you today?”

Me smiling: “Hi sweetie, I Love you!

After the last brat closes the door.

“Hihihi, WE GOT HER!

“We love you Mahhh!”

“Love you too! ” BRATTS!!! “In my next life I won’t have any CHILL-RAIN!!!”

 

Let me show you

 

 

 

 

The Damn Smart Boy!

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boy thinking

Three young boys living in extreme poverty in Haïti. When asked “If you had a chance to go to school, what would be your major?

The first one answered: “ I would like to be a doctor, so I can contribute my skills to help the poor, while I live a comfortable life.”

The second one answered: “My seven siblings and I are living in one small room. I would like to be an engineer so I can build my mother a big house, and pay for my siblings’ education.”

The third one looked at both of them as if they were crazy. Then he answered: “I would like to be the first millionaire in hell!”

“What?” Why would you want to be a millionaire in HELL?

“Because in hell everyone is hot and constantly thirsty. I would open a water store there, so even Satan would become my friend.”

The Art of Conversation – With the Hatian Zest

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Bible readers

 

As you read this story, keep these words in mind.
Bourk = Book
Deux = The
Firfty too = Fifty two
Fothy –too = Forty two
Fow = Four
Frenk = French
Hourze= House
Ma Soeur = My sister
Pasteur = Pastor
Reard = Read
Somme = Psalm
Too = Two
Woolcome = Welcome
So I went to visit one of the Haitian Church a few days ago. At first, I was convinced I was in the wrong church, because the greeters were too friendly. But when the praise leader finally said:
“Woolcome – Woolcome to deux hourze of the Lord!” I thought, ‘Yes! I’m at the right place!”
During the worship service, with all the drum and the guitar playing, I felt obligated to contribute my share in the party. So I danced till I shed a few pounds.
After an hour of dance, it was time for the reading of the word. A beautiful young lady first read the scripture in creole. She did an exceptional job. Following her, was an older lady who wore a bright yellow dress, and a large purple hat. After she was done reading the “Frenk,” I meant the “French” scripture. This was my prayer to the Lord: ‘Lord, please die on the cross all over again, so that woman may be forgiven for murdering the French language.”
As you know, the Lord’s compassion is great. Since He knows what’s best for us all. He decided to impair my hearing. It was not until I saw the lips of the congregants moving as if they were saying “Amen” I realized I could not hear well.
Of course The Lord healed me right away. I had to first apologize. During my prayer I told Him “Lord, I really didn’t know the cotton balls were actually going to get stuck so deep in my ears – Please Help!”
Next it was the Pastor’s turn to suffer. “We will reard from the bourk of Somme.” (Meaning: We will read from the book of Psalm). He was kind enough to translate everything he was saying in French, then in Creole as well. I think I will go back to his church, just because he was not only competent but handsome as well. At last we all stood up for the reading of the Word. Meanwhile, three older members were still struggling to find the “Psalm 42.” One finally spoke so loud, that everyone heard:
“No. The Pasteur said: “Somme fothy too. A three, and a too.”
The second one answered: “No. He said Somme “firfty too, a six and a too.
The guy who stood next to them said: “No. It’s a fow, plus a one, and a one.”
The first voice finally tapped my shoulder to ask me: “My soeur, which Somme the pastor said?”
So I answered “He said “Psalm 42; Four and a two, or 40 plus 2.”
The guy whispered back: “Fow and a too equal six. Oh, now I got it. It’s somme 46!”
The other voice responded “No. She said fothy, too times, so that somme eigh and zero.”
The pastor was so tired of the turmoil, he intervened in creole.
“No, I -said – Psalm – forty two. So, first, you will see Psalm 40, Psalm 41, then Psalm 42; which is number four, then a number two next to it. Psalm “4-2.”
The three old folks finally answered all together: “You hear? We are going to read Somme 40, Somme 41, and Somme 42. THEN we are going to read Somme 4, then Somme 2.” Is that right Pasteur? “
The Pastor smiled and answered:

“Why not. One can never have enough of God’s word! So let us all stand together to read PSALM FORTY TWO. Then you guys can read the other psalms silently!”
I went back the following Sunday. That’s another story.

Interesting Conversation – Part III – TIME

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time

“TIME is a good TIME – TIME is favor – TIME is appointed – Did someone Called?”

“No need to tell me who you are! You”

“Indeed-deed! I’m TIME. So tell me: “ Did DEATH disappeared when He heard my voice?”

“Yes he did. Why are you asking  – and why are you talking so fast?”

“Because I’m TIME, and I don’t have TIME to waste. “1 o’clock … 3 o’clock…7 o’clock … o’clock……..”

“Why on earth you keep on repeating the time?”

“This is my job dear – “Midnight  …  2 A.M… …In fact, I’m answering  to those who are asking for the TIME worldwide. “1:30… 3 o’clock ………. Yes, I SAID 3 A.M! “My goodness! I thought the invention of all the electronic devices would make my job much easier now, but nooo – The turtle travelers are still asking for the “TIME.” As you can see, my job is not easy dear.”

“OMG! Are you serious? You mean you are constantly hearing these voices of …”

“Yes, they’re crystal clear!”

“I would go insane!”

“I thought you were already! You are speaking to me, aren’t you?”

“What? I didn’t call you here. Remember I”
“Well, honestly speaking, I’m just doing my job dear. Besides, I’m the master of focus. I’m not one to budge nor waiver. I only travel within my perimeter, because on any given day, my journey must remain constant, and steadfast.

“But you do budge. Your needle d”

“I SAID: “I only travel within my perimeter!”

“You don’t have to yell at”

“Let me continue PLEASE! I don’t have TIME to waste. So, listen carefully: ” LIFE and I (TIME) are two Grand Masters, and we share equally the same power. Wherever LIFE is present, there I Am as well. Yes, we work together. Therefore, the couple by the name of Mr. Lazy,  and Ms. procrastination hate us with a passion. While DEATH oppose us, Goodness and favor are or treats;  Success applauds us.”

“Wow, that’s profound! But TIME, you are known to be a thief – even death said so. You failed to mention th.”

“Yes. So is the rumor. But the fact is, “I’m a giver – in fact, I’m an abundant giver. I always repay any lost, or stolen treats. Yes, whatever time one may have lost unfairly, I do repay them trough wisdom and memory.”

“How nice of you! Although, TIME does somehow fly away, and”

“MAY I BRING TO YOUR ATTENTION “Twenty-four hours, are still equal to one thousand, four hundred forty minute regardless, the season, year, or location. Am I correct?”

“Yes, but”

“I don’t work with” but” –  I have no patience for excuses, ignorance and laziness dear.”

“My God, you are so rude! And”

“Not rude. I’m rather focus and discipline. You guys are full of excuses. And to prove my point, consider the following: “A president and a bank robber, who were born at the same time, and died at the same age;; at exactly  eight o’clock in the morning, on the same day. Were they not granted equally the same life spend? “

“Yes, bu.”

“I said, “I don’t’ work with ‘but!!!” My conclusion to this brief prelude: “LIFE and TIME are granted to all. Wisdom is available to those who are willing to seek. While understanding is a virtue worth finding. Ignorance is not an excuse. DESTINY on the other hands, is a well-written map, with many loops and curves. Although it may be deferred, but rest assured, it will be revealed at an appointed TIME!  So my dear, befriend DESTINY!”

“Peekaboo!”

To be continued.

Interesting Conversation – Phase II

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I said Hell – Low!!!

“Believe me, I heard you the first time! But, did you realized you just said “Hell-Low” instead of Hello?”

Yeah! I’m the official marketing director for Hell. So I try to included Hell, in everything I  hell say. You know the hell I’m talking about? So hell, may lllllling-ger around, even after I get the hell away from you!”

“What a discussing thing to do? No wonder you look like death with your skeleton self!”

death angel

“The hell excuse me dear! I don’t look like death.  But I aaaam DEATH! “I have no flesh,  no guts, plus I’m deaf. Well! – Partially deaf.  I can only hear dialogs like we’re having. But when it comes to begging, weeping and sobbing, I can’t hear a thing.”

“Mmm! I wonder why?”

“The hell you’re slow! Do I have to spell it out to you? My job requires me to confirm “You- are –dead.  Mort. Mortuum. Muerto. Morto. Tot. Marbh!!! You get my point? Yes. So your family won’t have to burry you alive.  You know the scripture: “For dust you are and to dust you will return.”  Yap! This is my hellish job – But you guys sure hate me for that! The hell with you all!”

“Death, what do you expect from us – you are bad news!”

“The hell I am NOT! That highmighty, “cette prétencieuse” self righteous woman who summoned me here today, is the carrier of bad news. She’s the one who keeps up with time, to serve me with the Life termination notice. Read a sample below:

“Hey dark soul! Please see below.

 Death Termination Notice For:

Name … Address… Specific time…Soul level Light __________  Or Darkness _______”

P.S. “Don’t show up before your time.  I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE!”

 So you see, after LIFE takes herself out of the equation, I show up. My job is to test the flesh, and place my dead seal on it. And I’m done.  The spirit does it share, while the soul angel does his, way before I came in the picture. But I’m am called the bad guy!”

“I can see your point of view.  I noticed you tend to speak with a French accent, by any chance ar?”

“So you can herirt? Oh yers, yers! Although I’m nort Frenrch but I practiced the accenrt, so people will tendrr to pay atterntion to my voirce, and nort my face! Burt, if you “Ma Belle” don’t minerr, for nowr I wilr speark writ my nartive accenrt instead; since it hurt my tongre, and my bott when I speark writ a French Accenrt.”

 “Did you say “it hurt you tongue and your butt when “

 “The hell it does. But I only use it when I want to impress ladies.  I once tried it on LIFE, but she did not budge. I can’t stand her beautiful self-righteous hell self.”

 “Life, I would not budge either. You are not a handsome dude. Plus, from what she told me, she keeps company with the sun, the stars, oppor”

Yeah –yeah-yeah!  HEARD IT ALL! I work for the “Big Guy” too, you know. But you guys think Satan is my boss.  IT IS WRITTEN: “The Lord has made all for Himself. Yes, even the wicked for the day of doom.” HE”S a wise one, I tell you. Ok. I admit it. My company is more on the dark side. Spirits such as “Never enough, harassment, insanity, and every freak from the cemetery call me their friend.  Look at me? I’m doomed for darkness! LIFE, LIGHT, BEAUTY,  and not even WISDOM seek my company. I live in darkness, doomed for eternity; away from the Son, the merciful Lord.”

“DEATH, I’m assuming you’ve fallen from grace, was due to your past faulty actions. Perhaps, even too late to make amend. So I don’t really believe everything you saying, all I know you’re probably part of the lying spirits. And again, you still marketing for hell, instead of heaven, how so?”

“Oh well! Misery loves company! Hell! – I don’t live in hell – but I keep company with same like spirits. Haven’t you heard: “Tell me who your friends are, and I sure the hell will tell you who you are.” Yes, I have plenty of friends from there, and I intend to draw many more. It’s too late to make amends anyway. Was it Michelangelo who said: “If we have been pleased with life, we should not be displeased with death, since it comes from the hand of the same master?” So I have my reasons to believe, TIME is sure not going to give me another chance. TIME lost, is lost indeed. So one should be mindful to use it wisely  while still living. For the memory of the dead are forgotten. So my advice to you “Ma Belle,” practice doing good, not evil. Yap, it’s too late for me! But, I tell you, TIME IS A THIEF!”

“TIME is a blessing – TIME is favor – TIME is a good TIMe – TIME is appointed – Did someone Called TIME?”

To be continued.