Month: July 2015

Church Folks! – Humor

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church

“Didn’t I tell you, will be worthwhile coming to church tonight – Guess who’s going to be there?”

“Who – Brother Bush?”

“Girl, you still have a crush on Brother Bush- I thought you were over him?”

“Over him? Where did you hear that from?”

“Oh! Speaking of the devil, here he comes with his daughter.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Brother Crook, the one walking with that beautiful young girl. Wow! She’s a young lady now!”

“Who’s child is she? Her mamma used to come to our Church?”

“No girl, that’s Mother Blunt’s grand-daughter, brother Crook is her son.”

“Praise the Lord Sisters!”

“Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord!”

“God is good Sisters, He’s been raising me up higher and higher!”

“He sure is Good Mother Hill, He’s good all the time!!!”

“Sure is! See you in Church Sisters.”

“Yes, what was I saying again? Oh Yes – Haven’t you heard the story about the two sisters?”

“Girl, have you forgotten? I only been here for six Months.

“Brother Crook was sleeping with two sisters at the same time, girl. – With his bad luck ass, both of them got pregnant about the same time  – OMG! It was the war from hell!”

“Are you serious? What Pastor had to say about that?”

“Girl, they were not church folks; back then, not even brother Crook was saved yet. Honestly, till this day I still wonder if he’s truly saved. Haven’t you noticed he only shows up here every blue moon? You think someone with his past history would be the first one waiting for the church door to be opened”

“But Sister, which one of the sisters he married?”

“Married? Honey he married another woman instead. For all I know, he’s probably cheating on her too! From what I heard, the older sister between the two, was a bitch, so she had an abortion.”

“Lord, have mercy! So the younger sister kept the baby.”

“Yap, that’s her daughter walking toward us, looks just like her Mamma. But she’s been raised by the older sister, who is her aunt, but she calls her Mom!”

“I don’t understand!”

“What don’t you understand? I heard the older one, had her younger sister killed, and stole her baby. Till this day brother Crook think the surviving child is the older sister’s daughter, when in fact, the girl’s mamma been dead.”

“Oh-My-God-! Are you for real?   Oh Lorrr-D! Here comes Brother Bush!”

“You with your “Brother Bush!” Wow! He’s a Bush all right, with all that beard hanging all over his – “Praise the Lord Brother Bush!”

“Praise – The – Lord! Sisters. Now don’t you ladies look gorgeous tonight?”

“Thank you Brother Bush, LOL You’re here to see the Prophet too? LOLl”

“Wouldn’t miss her for the world, I hear she’s a powerful woman of God!”

“She’s powerful all right – “The chuck load is about to spill over, and all the dirt will be exposed tonight!”

“Is she really that good?”

“Child, that woman will shake off the broom, and leave the dirt for us to sweep ourselves, then mop the floor clean!”

“Praise- the- Lord! In this case I need a good sit, although they all probably taken by now. See you later Sisters!”

“Lol, Nice seeing you Brother Buuush! Lol”

“Woman, stop blushing over the brother, all we know he’s probably gay!”

“Gay? Don’t say that about my future husb.”

“Here they come now! Praise the Lord Brother Crook and Mother Blunt! – Who this beautiful young lady might be?”

“Praise the Lord “Sister Noisy and Sister In –Trai-ning! “Church about to start, we need a great sit, will talk another day!”

“That Mother Blunt sure is something! “Goodness – Sometimes I wonder if she’s really saved too!”

Highly Recommended Part III – The Color Of Love

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heart

Father Pierre closed the book to say: “With that being said, I have an assignment for you both to complete together.”

“TOGETHER?” We yelled. “BUT THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!”

“Sister Marie! He said in a firm tone. “Open the book on 1 Corinthians, verse 13, and start reading!”

“Yes Father, she humbly answered.”

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become a sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.”

After she read the first sentence, she slowly closed the book, hung her head down. I could see her body posture sinking downward, while she remained silent. Meanwhile I was swinging my legs, while I whispered Father Pierre’s sentence, since I thought it was a nice one to engrave into my memory: “With that being said! With that being said!” But Father Pierre glanced at me for a second, and I knew exactly what that look meant, so I stopped. Instead, I grabbed the little statue of Saint Claire which was on his desk, and kissed it. Then I whispered, “I love you Saint Claire, but I also love Mother Marie too. Immediately, I turned to glance at the picture of Saint Michael’s painting on the wall, to my right. I tried to imitate his facial expression, while I whispered: “Annnn-d, I love Saint Michael, and Saint Rose, and Saint Altagrace, and; but Father Pierre gave me a stern look, this time I shut up completely. Just then, I could not help but question in my mind: “I wonder what it would be like to get a butt whooping from a Priest?” I had never heard anyone one of them whopping a child before, it was always the nun who were mean.”  But as I was thinking, I heard a noise. When I turned to look at Sister Marie, I noticed she was crying.

“What’s wrong Sister Mor, I mean Sister Marie?”

Instead of answering me, tears gushed down her cheeks, like a river rejoicing from the rainfall. So I got up to grab a tissue from the box which was on Father’s desk, to wipe her face.

“Please don’t cry Sister Marie. I promise, I will never call you “Sister Morte again.” (Which means Site Dead)

But she did not respond, instead she kept on crying.

“I will wear the white sock you want me to, I promise!”

But, she kept on crying.

“I promise Sister Marie, I promise. But you have to know, the only reason I don’t wear the uniform sock is because my stepmom didn’t buy me a white sock. She only brought me “one pair of navy sock, one blue skirt, and one white shirt to wear for the school year. I told her you didn’t want me to wear the blue sock, but noooo – she refused to listen to me! But, If you stop crying, I won’t’ wear any sock at all. Because, I sure don’t want to see you crying again!” I kept on wiping her eyes, but somehow what I thought were comfort words were causing her to scream instead. By then, Sister Marie was not just crying, but she was howling. I think the whole school could have heard her. She even got up to grab more tissue in order to wipe her face.  So I slowly got up from my chair, and walked toward Father Pierre, and whispered in his ears:

“Father, I think you need to sprinkle some holy water on Sister Marie, so Count Dracula may leave her alone!”

Father answered “With that being said” let’s try to sit down quietly for a few second, so the Lord may continue His course in this session.”

“The Lord? Where is He Father?”

“You can’t see Him Yet, but I’m sure Sister Marie can sense His presence as well.”

“Wow!” As I kept on turning around, to see if I could spot where the Lord was standing. But I did not see him. So I concluded, it was because I was too young, and went back to sit down. When I turned to look at Sister Marie, I noticed she had stopped crying. In fact, her whole demeanor had changed. Although I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what had just transpired, I had enough sense to resume: “Whatever it was is beyond my league of understanding.” But, Father bent over, and whispered: “It’s not tangible my child.” I guess he was able to see through my inquisitive mind, also understood the fact that, I was too young to pinpoint the presence of conviction, and the zest of remorse.

So after he recited a prayer, he said:  “I want you ladies to prepare a theatrical play on the theme of “Love, with this scripture. The other children may participate, however I want the two of you to play the role for the major characters. Meaning, each one of you will share your input about this scripture before the whole school. Then he turned toward me, “Angel, I will notify your parents. For you will need to meet with Sister Marie at least twice a week after school, for the rehearsal.”

Sister Marie remained quiet, while I thought it was the opportunity of a lifetime. But when I realized the play was about love:

“Father! You want us to write a play about love?”

“Indeed my child!”

“But, how could we do so, when I’m but a child, who’s never been in love; and sister Marie is going to die, just like an old rag, who’ll never get married either?”

Father took a deep breath, shook his head, and then smiled.

“I know you are a little girl, and Sister Marie has never, and will never be married. But, I guarantee you, “If you search deep within your heart, you will discover the type of love I’m referring to.  And, I know you have more than enough of that precious love, to share with the whole school.”red roses

I smiled, even blushed for a couple seconds. After I thought for a few minutes, I replied:

“Oh – I seeeeeeeeee! “But, Father, what color is that love? Is it also red?”

To be continued.

Highly Recommended Part II – “The Guilty Conscience”

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catholic girls

Father Pierre pleasantly answered, “Good morning! And good morning to you both! But what is going on between you two again?”

Sister Morte held both of her hands together, as if she was about to say a prayer, she promptly answered, “Father, I highly recommend we transfer this troubled child to a more suitable school.” And I strongly recommend some major penance for her, or I fear she will be a lost case.”

Then I also placed both of my hands together, as if I was about to say a prayer, before I said: “Father Bald head, I think you should return Dracula’s wife back to him. If not, Sister Morte will suck all the children blood from this school!”

“Who is Sister Morte?” Father answered, as he refrained himself from laughing.

“Dracula’s wife Father. Don’t you know, all the children are complaining about her. We all refer to her as the “Nasty Unpleasant Nature” Nun.”

“Oh my child!” Exclaimed Father Bald Head. “You must not speak so unpleasantly of the servant of our Lord. She is considered to be the spouse of our Lord. Whatever misunderstanding between you two, I’m sure with prayer, it can be resolved. Don’t’ you think so little angel?”

“Little Angel?”  Sister Marie, I mean Sister Morte yelled. Immediately after she took a deep breath, she said, “Father, this child is far from being an angel. I’m afraid she is as stubborn as a mule, and she’s the enemies’ offspring, therefore all the prayers of the Saints couldn’t possibly transport her soul back into the light.”

” The movie I was so infuriated by her statement, I decided to take matters into my own hands, so I yelled back:   “Well at least I’m still a child, and only had my first communion so far. There’s still hope for me!!! But I bet you had your six sacraments, and.“

“Ok, both of you, in- MY – OFFICE!” Father Bald Head said impatiently.

So both of us folded our arms almost simultaneously. When we realized we had the same habit, we both dropped them as fast as possible. We suddenly attempted to walk forward, but accidently bumped to each other. So, there I was standing in front of her, with my head up, staring at her. I felt like a tiny aunt crawling on a giant tree. Father stood there with his hand crossed, as if he wanted us to realize how much we had in common. Sister Morte finally raised her chin, then turned around, as quickly as she could, and started to walk toward the direction of Father’s office. Then, I refolded my arms, as I followed her. Father remained behind us.

As we entered his office, he instructed us to take a sit, as he pulled a book from the shelf.

“You sit there child!” Sister Morte said.

“No, you sit there, I want to sit in front of Father.” I answered her.

So Father silently got up, pulled both chairs, and placed his chair in the center. Now we were all sitting behind his desk, next to Father.

“Please read this passage.” As he pointed his finger on a particular paragraph, he gave the book to Sister Morte.

It reads: “You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men.”

Then Father instructed her to: Give the book to Angel, so she can read the following sentence. So, I gladly grabbed the book from Sister Morte, then read:

“You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.” Immediately I raised my head and turned toward Sister Morte and yelled “You see, I knew you were salty, even the book said it Sister Morte. With a smile I said, “But I’m a light, and.”

Father interrupted “The PURPOSE of this reading was not meant for you both to pass judgment on each other! As he lowered his tone, “But rather for a reflection on self.” Let me read the third sentence.”

“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”

After he was finished, we both remained silent. Almost speechless, as if we were ashamed. And to justify the shame and the guilt which evidently prickled my heart, I slowly whispered:

“Well she is the salty one!”

Sister Morte turned to look at me, but did not say a word. Then as Father closed the book, he said “With that being said, I have an assignment for you both to complete together.”

“TOGETHER?” We both yelled. “BUT THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!”

To be continued.

Highly Recommended!

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I love Catholic schools.  I think their academic standards are excellent, although I still question some of their religious beliefs.  Yes, I respect their worldwide excellence in contributing not only on an academic level, but charitable as well.  Furthermore, I have to admit, while my siblings went to Catholic school during most of their academic training, I on the other hands went there, during some of my academic years.  Honestly, one day I could not stop myself. I felt obliged to squeeze the wrath out of one particular nun. That’s when I asked her the following question:

angry nun 2

“Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?”

Yap! She was one of my elementary school teacher. Her name Was Sister Marie, but I called her “Sister Morte,” which meant in French “Sister Dead”

“What did you say?” She answered me. So I repeated:

“Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed THIS MORNING?”

“Venez ici – Petite impertinente!” Meaning “Come here you little impertinent!”

I did not budge. “Come here – I said!” As she slightly raised her voice.

“Not with that ruler in your hand Sister! Remember, last time you hit me so hard,  the palm of my hand turned as red as a plum tomatoe. Yes, it was swollen for two days, just because I wore a blue SOCK instead of WHITE!”

So, as she proudly raised her chin, she said: “The prowwww-per uniform code is “Whittt’e shirt. Naaaa-vy blue skirt. AND “white,” Yes “WHITTT’E Sock!”  But, you were wearing BLUE sock, and today, you are still wearing a BLUE SOCK!”

So I answered her in the same tone: “Well Sister MORTE, do you remember that I Aaaaaam a chiiiiiiii-ld  and, this is what the sorcière (meaning witch) caring for ME, gave ME to wear this morning? For all I know, you both are probably sisters!”

“Young lady, you must not call your mother a witch.” By then she was trying to grab me by my ear.

So I started playing jump rope between the chairs, so she could not catch me, while I answered her: “For your information, I was not referring to my mother, because she lives in New York, while Im here in Haïti, with another hateful woman.  I BET you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you? “Since you are stuck between these four walls, like you were in jail, where you deserve to be!”

“Ok young lady, I’m taking you to the principal office!”

“Good! Because I don’t want to be in your class anyway!” Then, I ran out of the class before she could catch me.

She took a short cut and met with me near the garden where I was standing admiring the flowers. As soon as she saw me, she straightened her posture, raised her chin in the air, made her look like a flat iron board, as she walked passed me.  She occasionally turned back to stare at me, by then I was hoping on one leg, while I held the other leg with my hand. By the look she gave me, I could read in her mind; “as if she thought of me as the child from hell. But couldn’t bring herself to say it, for fear she would see a reflection of herself.”  So I kept on hopping.  Annoyed, she finally turned toward me to say in a calm voice:

“Young girls must not hop like this, so walk properly!”

So I replied “And dead nun should not walk with their chin up, a fly may come and hide inside their nose!”

So I kept on hoping. Then I saw another bush of pink roses. They were so beautiful, I felt compelled to at least touch them.  While I admired them, I also cut a handful to make a bouquet for Sister Claire. She was my favorite nun, and she was not only beautiful but pleasant as well.  But when sister Morte noticed I was cutting the flowers, she yelled, “Leave the flowers alone!”  So I turned to her and said:

flowers

“And WHY?”

“Because they are not here for you to cut, but to beautify the school yard – Petite impertinente!”

“Excuse me Sister Morte, but If you were a true nun, you would understand that God created these gorgeous flowers not only to beautify the schoolyard, but for me to give them to my favorite sister, and it’s not for you either!  And I bet you will never get some flowers because you are too mean!”

Just as I was shaking my little head, with my butt pointing behind, I sensed a presence. When I turned, it was my favorite priest, standing with his arm crossed over his fat stomach. Then he said: “Another feud between you two?”

“Good morning Father Bald head!” I shouted with a smile.

But she greeted him without a smile “Good morning father Pierre.”

Father Pierre pleasantly answered, “Good morning! And good morning to you both! But what is going on between you two again?”

As she held both of her hands together, as if she was about to say a prayer, she promptly answered, “Father, I highly recommend we transfer this troubled child to a more suitable school.” Furthermore, I strongly recommend some major penance for her as well, or I’m afraid she will be a lost case.”

Father Pierre turned to me with a questionable stare, awaiting an answer. Thankfully I had just watched the movie Dracula for the first time, so I had a whole bucket full of new expression. I held both of my hands together just as she did, like I was about to saymy prayer. Then I answered him:

“Father Bald head, I think you should return Dracula’s wife back to him. If not, Sister Morte will suck all the children blood from this school!”

angry nun 3

To be continued

Return To Sender

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chaka

It was the custom of the old folks in my family to leave a cup of coffee on the side for our ancestors. They believed if they continued to feed our ancestors, they would remained strengthened, since the chief family members were somehow ordained to protect those who were still alive.  Looking back, I was about two years old, when I started drinking their coffee. In fact, I also thought they would need help with the large plate of food reserved for them as well. Eventually both, my grandmother and my aunt found out about my innocent venture, so they thought they needed to teach me a valuable lesson. But from what I heard, they were the one who were left intrigued.

I’m told I was four years old when this incident happened. Apparently, for three consecutive days, I was enjoying myself while feasting on the ancestor’s food. Afterward, I would walk outside to yell to the old folks: “Mm-Mm! Gran Do, the spirit said the food was good!” “Gran Do, who was my grandmother thought something was strange.  “This is strange!” She said.  “The ancestors sure ate that food fast – They usually would send a visitor, or a beggar to ask for some food, or the food would remain till completely dried out.”

Of course, I was too young to understand my grandmother’s concern, so I just kept on eating. But after three consecutive day, my grandmother cooked a dish named “Chaka,” which was a blend of corns, beans, squash, coconut, you name it – it had it! On that day however, while I was eating the bowl of Chaka, I fell asleep, with the bowl right on top of my chubby stomach. So Gran Do who happened to walk inside the house, saw me snoring my heart out. The bowl of Chaka spilled all over my body, my whole face, and my hands were bathed in Chaka. Now Gran Do who didn’t know what to think, decided to call her older sister.

“Now, don’t know what to think of this Sis – You think the child has been eating the spirits food?” She asked auntie.

“Don’t know Sis – Don’t know! But she’s been telling me she ain’t hungry for dinner. I was going to give her a laxative on Saturday!”

We need to find out, before those spirits get angry at the child.” Gran Do said.

“Well! She is family, sure they won’t hurt her, but we can still test her to see if she’s the one  eating them food. She loves fish you know, so let’s make some fish tomorrow and place it on the ancestors table again.”

But Gran Do answered: “I will make some fish all right, but will teach her a lesson. Will put all the pepper and the salt I can put my finger on, in that fish – “Have to teach her a hard lesson, or this child is doomed to be too much for us to handle later on.”

“Well, what do you expect Sis. Both on her mamma and Papa side are Moses – Didn’t you hear  what the priest said in church? That Moses man from the Big book opened the ocean with his little finger, and killed all the Gyptians? That’s a lot of power for one man. For all we know, he’s probably the one eating all the food through that poor child – The child is unusual, must say!”

“Well – don’t care sis. After I’m done with her, some of that power should leak through her tongue, nose, even her ears, because she’ll be screaming “HOT through her butthole!”

So Gran Do and her sister did as they had planned. In fact, the fish was seasoned with so much hot pepper, that tears dropped from their eyes as they were cooking. Finally, after they served the ancestors the large fish, which they placed on their special table, the old folks sit outside waiting.  About half an hour later, I ran out of the house, with the plate of fish, screaming my heart out:  “Gan Do, THE SPIRIT SAID THE FISH IS TOOOOOOO HOT – HOT – HOT – HOT!!!”

Both Ma Do and auntie dropped themselves on the floor, as they could not stop laughing. However, since they had already prepared some cold lemonade, they decided to show me some mercy, so they both rushed toward the lake, the direction they saw me take off. But when they arrived there, they were shocked to see my whole body lying flat on the ground, with my head toward the lake, under the water, while the plate of fish was still next to me.  When I eventually lifted up my head, it was just to grab another bite, then to dip my whole head under the water again. I continued the same process, till I ate the whole fish.  After I was completely done, I sunked my whole body under the water while I rinsed the wood plate which held the fish. The old folks stood at a distance while watching me in action. I finally walked toward them, and when I noticed them, I handed the plate back to then, and said:

“Mm-Mm! Gran Do and auntie, the spirit love the fish, but was a bit too spicy. The spirit said, you can make some more tomorrow!”

“Auntie shook her head in disbelief, then turned to Gran Do to say: “Sis, is she an angel, or a demon?  I think we need to place her in a box, send her back to her papa, and have Jonas write a note: “Return to Papa!”

hand rts

“Ma Do answered, “Are you crazy? The child has enough fire in her to destroy Satan and hell three times over. Besides, whether she’s an angel or demon, with her on our side, should guarantee us a good post in heaven, or hell. “So I say she ain’t going nowhere!!!”

Auntie answered: “You sure right Sis. – You sure right! In this case, let’s make her some more fish tomorrow, she sure liked it!”

“She sure did – But with just a little pepper!”

But tomorrow after I ate the fish, I said “Did you old folks forgot how to cook? The spirit said “Not enough pepper!”

Out Of The Mouth Of Babe

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I knew a woman who despised her own daughter. When she told the love of her life she was pregnant with his second child, she was told he was getting married to another woman.” However, if the baby was to carry the father’s last name, the law required for him to marry after the baby was born.  So, at the father’s request, the wedding was postponed till July, after the baby’s birth.   Of course, his fiancé was not pleased as well.  So the poor child, even prior to her birth, had managed to anger two women, who would eventually despised her.

herbs

The pregnant woman was furious of course. In despair to get rid of the baby, she drunk every tea known in her custom to prevent the fetus from surviving, but that little fighter kept on living anyway. She had previously expressed her intention to give the baby away after birth, but her mother warned her: “You will not do such a thing, and I better don’t hear anything happened to that baby either!” So, past the midpoint of her pregnancy, after drinking multiple cups of tea daily, when the woman realized the remedies were hopeless, she decided to have an abortion which was performed in secret back then.

One early morning after she left her house, while no one knew where she went. On her way to the doctor’s office, she noticed a dark tall man starring at her. In fact, he came and sit right next to her on the bus. After a couple minutes of silence, he finally asked her:

“Why are you about to commit this heinous act?”

Somehow, she was not surprised she said. She thought he was a seer. So she answered: “My body is mine to do as I’m pleased.”

He said:” You are about to have a special baby girl, a gift which you should cherish.”

She was furious by then, so she answered: “I don’t’ care! And, even if she’s to become the Queen of this country, I still don’t want her!”

His answer: “Go ahead, do as you’ve planned; “If you can!!!”

abortion clinic

The woman claimed, as they both walked out of the bus, the man had disappeared. And later on, she was shocked to feel, just when about the time for the doctor to proceed with the abortion, the baby leaped in her womb, afterward kept on kicking. Finally, the doctor shook his head and said, “I cannot proceed with this procedure Mme. This baby is vividly alive, and constantly playing soccer in your womb. Besides, you would risk losing not only the baby, but your life as well, if I proceed.” She was furious of course. And when she went back home, she said she had one goal: “One way or the other, I will get rid of this baby.”

She continued her quest, she drunk several cups of tea daily.  By her house was an unfinished wall, tall enough for her to jump off every morning. But, that little soccer player not only lived full term, she was also overdue. By then, the baby’s grandmother who closely monitored her pregnancy, had a dream one night. She saw a beautiful woman with a blue shawl, sprinkled with gold stars, came to tell her: “Be aware Idovia – the baby will be born tomorrow, and it will be a girl.” Immediately the old lady woke up, and sent news ahead: “Go tell that witch, who is my daughter, “The baby will be born today, and I’m on my way, and I better don’t see a scratch on her when I get there!” As the old lady heard in the dream, it was so. On the same day, while the woman was drinking her last cup of murder tea, she went into labor, and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. But she still wanted no part of her. Thankfully, the old lady was there to grab the baby from the woman. Then the old lady chose one of her best friend, to be the girl’s God-Mother, who also loved her dearly. Her father continued to care for her, although he married the other woman, a couple months later.

The little girl was special indeed. She had a heart full of love and compassion for everyone around her, particularly for the poor. Quite often, she had vision, and vivid dreams about her surrounding and the future. She was loved by everyone, with the exception of her mother. Unfortunately, the woman’s heart was so hardened against the child that she would never learn to love her daughter. But, the Almighty’s sense of humor should never be questioned. For He gave the little girl a gift of genuineness, which was enough to drive her mother insane!

  • At three she would tell her mother whom she called auntie: “I can see angel’s auntie, but you will see demons because you are not nice to me.”
  • At four, she would not drink tea, instead she will answer: “Drunk enough tea from auntie’s stomach, now am immune to poison.”
  • At five after a butt whooping, she would tell her: “You are too mean, and God don’t like evil, so don’t blame me if He calls you home today.” (Thank God, her grandmother kept her away for a couple weeks.)
  • At five, when the milk lady came to collect her money, and when her brother told the lady: “Mom is not here, and she forgot to leave the milk money.” The little girl answered, “Why are you lying? Mom is right behind the door lady, think she was waiting for you, since she saw you coming!”
  • At six, after she dreamed her mother was leaving in a plane, she ran toward her mother with excitement to tell her:

“A man with long hair just told me “You see that plane up there, your mother will soon get in that plane, for she wil travel to a faraway land.” The mother who was talking to a friend slapped the girl on her lips. When the girl asked her “Why did you slapped me for? It’s the truth” The mother replied:” Because you are talking about my damn business”. The girl then said: “If it was only your damn business, the old man wouldn’t have told me about it!”

“You say one more word, and I will cut off that smart tongue of yours. Go head, just one more word!” The mother said out of anger.

The girl remained quiet for a moment, then she walked back toward her bed to lay down. The mother yelled, “Why did you go back to bed? It’s time to get up!”

The young girl answered: “I know. But I went back to bed to see if I can go back to sleep, because I  forgot to ask the old man something.”

“What did you forget to ask him? Get off the bed I said.”

The girl answered: I forgot to ask him if you were coming back after you left iin that plane? “If so, could he use his magic to make sure you never come back!”

The end of the story: “Let say it was a good thing the little girl was able to run at the speed of lightning to the church next door!” LOL

The Mystery Of The Box Of Sardine

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Sardine

My father  owned a convenient store in Haïti,  a small  town, about forty-five minutes from Port-Au-Prince; the Capital of Haïti.  During the summer, our family often spent a few days  vacationing there, since there was also a house right behind the store. But I recalled one particular weekend, my aunt and I went up there alone, since her mom (Aunt Sawsaw” was the one in charge of the store. I was probably 13, while she was 18 years old.

That Saturday morning,  when  aunt Sawsaw had to run some errands, she left my aunt and I alone in the store. But, since she knew how much we loved sardine, she gave us a long lecture before she left.

“You see that box of sardine on the shelf up there?”

After we looked up, we said: “Yes Aunt Sawsaw.”

“Now,  whenever I come back, if I don’t see it right at the same spot, I better find the money in the cash register. “Do you hear me?”

“Yes!” We both humbly answered.

Immediately after aunt Sawsaw left, we climbed on a high chair and grabbed the last box of sardine. After we seasoned it with some lime and hot pepper, we ate it with some fresh  bread, and avocado. In fact, we even had some cookies for dessert, plus some soda to seal the deal. “If we were going to get in trouble, it might as well be all worth it.”

Well, to be honest, this was not my reasoning. Because, even at thirteen, I was still very gullible. In fact, everyone knew I could not lie for a million $$$. So my aunt being aware of this fact, and out of fear that I would end up telling her mother the truth, made it her mission to rehearse the whole scenario with me prior to her mother’s arrival. Yes, we spent the whole day rehearsing.

“Listen to me! ” She said. “I know you don’t know how to lie, but you must try to remember what I’m about to tell you, or we’re both in deep trouble! “Whenever my mother ask you about the box of sardine, even if she waits till next year or five years from now, you must always give her the same answer: “We sold the box of sardine right after she left.”

I answered, “Yes auntie.”

“Again, if she says, “Where is the box of sardine?” You are to answer:

“We sold it and placed the money in the cash register drawer.”

If she says “What did you girls ate while I was away?” You must answer:

“We ate some peanut butter and bread, and had some lemonade.”

“Ok auntie.”

Two hours later when aunt Sawsaw finally arrived, her first glimpse was the high shelf. Of course the sardine was gone.  Then she said “Oh! I see the box of sardine is gone?”

I promptly replied, “Yes auntie, we sold it to a fat lady with a red dress, and the money is right in the cash register.”

She said: “I see. Mm-Mm!”

A couple minutes later, when my aunt came to greet her,  she said: “So you girls ate the sardine?”

My aunt answered “No mom, we sold it to a young girl, right after you left, and the money is in the cash register drawer.

Aunt Sawsaw said: “I see. Mm-Mm!”

About four hours later, right before bed time, aunt Sawsaw called me: “Nadège, grab the comb, come and scratch my scalp so I can tell you some tales.” (It was common in our Country at night to listen to the old folks sotries prior to bedtime.”

“Ok aunt Sawsaw!”

I rushed toward the room with great anticipation because I loved to listen to her old stories. But, just about fifteen minutes later, in the midst one of her story she stopped, then  after she stretched her arms, closed her eyes as if she was falling asleep, then said,

“So, with what did you girls ate the sardine again? Did you girls broiled some plantains and had some lemonade?”

I answered: “No aunt Sawsaw.  “We ate it with some bread, had some cold soda, and some cookies for dessert right after you left!”

Heaven Can Wait!

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“Idovia” was my maternal grandmother’s name, but we called her “Dodo.” I must admit, she was a unique character.  One thing for sure, she didn’t bargain with nonsense, and her tongue was as sharp as a two-edged swords. Furthermore, her fearsome stares were like murder attempts, so everyone knew not to piss her off whenever she was having a bad day.

After reading this story, you should pretty much sum up my Grandmother’s character. Enjoy!

“Now, Dodo what is it I heard you cursed the priest during your confession?” She was asked by one of my great uncles. 100_5218

As she pulled her donkey toward the gigantic mango tree, she did not even bother to turn her head back while she murmured, “Is it your damn business whether I cursed the priest or the angels?”

Her cousin replied, “You think you’re a tough old lady, but one of these days, the Good Old Lord will bargain with you couzin!”

After she tied the donkey, she slowly walks back toward him. Her bow legs were notable, which made her look even shorter standing next to him, but she was always fearless.  She then placed both hands on her hip,

Yes, I’m as tough and raw as a steak, and stubborn as a mule. The Good Old Lord created me just like that, you have a proble with that? “Besides, that damn priest was asking me about my grand-daughter; had nothing to do with my confession!”

“Now cousin, he was just asking you about Angel, he probably missed the child since she’s been gone, what’s wrong with that?”

“Oh please, he’s not about to find out from me! Why the hell he wants to know anyway?”

The old man felt annoyed by her behavior, slightly raised his voice. “Now Dodo, you went to confession, instead, you end up sinning even more. So why even bother?”

“Oh please! Lived to be one hundred one years – Seen all the shit and neat in this life, cursing a priest won’t make any difference.”

After she rushed to grab a large piece of wood, she said “Now, don’t you raise your crocodile voice on me either, or I will bust every dry bone in your body.”

Since he knew he was tramping on thin ice, he started walking away. Standing at at distant from her, he said,

“Can’t imagine what could have gone so wrong so early in the morning; just five in the mornin’ cousin.”

She yelled, “Your face is what’s wrong cousin! “It’s bad enough you’re drinking my coffee at five o’clock in the mornin’ – but you show up here with your shirt looking like dirt buying filth to talk about my damn business!”

He yelled back, “Your coffee?  Couzin this is not your coffee! Remember, I planted, harvested and even grilled the coffee beans before I gave them to you.”

After she snatched the cup from him she said, “AND? Still wasn’t no damn coffee till I broiled the water and add the sugar. Then I had to serve you in my damn cup too! Plus, while you’re sitting here farting on my chair, I have to stare at your face, looking like a bee nest.”

“You’re sure one mean woman – don’t know how the hell you got married!” He said.

“What can I say couzin? “Been in training here in hell since I was a little girl, and just about to transition to heaven now; away from you. Ain’t an easy task either!”

“Heaven?” Her cousin answered. “ If I were the Good Old Lord, I wouldn’t let you live one million miles from me; you’ll probably take over!”

“Damn right I will!  – After I marry Him! Now get off my land before I bust your lips!”

roses

HEAVEN CAN WAIT!

The Confession

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confession

THE CONFESSION
The story I’m about to tell you is about a little girl, who believed in honesty at all costs. Of course, a blend of true and friction. So enjoy.

During my visit to my great auntie’s, I heard a few stories dated back from my childhood. I was trying to see, how far back my memory would serve me. So, I asked her to share them with me.

“If you knew Mamma?” She answered me. “You were Mama’s little friend, before she passed away. In fact, you were the last one who saw her alive. You were a tiny little thing too. Chubby, light skinned girl. Pretty little girl indeed!
That morning, you ran out of mamma’s room screaming, from the top of your little lungs: “Give me some lemonade and lots of ice! Great auntie is going away. And, where she’s going is very ho!”
“Now, I know Mamma wasn’t going anywhere. At least, she hadn’t told me anything yet. So I answered the pretty thing, “Mamma not going nowhere my girl; so where you got that from?” After you puffed up your lips, with your hands on your hip, you answered me: “Yes, Great auntie is going to hell!”
“Now my girl, you stop talking nonsense, you hear me!” True enough, as I walked back to the house to Mamma. OMG! Don’t you know when I called Mamma, she was dead. I realized then, Mamma’s journey had ended, here on this side. It was a shock to everyone. But I think you blamed yourself for not giving Mamma her last glass of lemonade. Because, you kept on yelling: “I told you Great Auntie was going to hell, now she left without the cold lemonade.”
The poor girl refused to eat or say anything else, till the day of the funeral, when she heard Father Big-Ear saying:
“Now, we don’t need to be sad at Make-a-Choice departure. Because she’s in a much better place than us. She’s in heaven with the Lord!”
You immediately jumped on your foot, and stepped up the bench. With your tiny hands on your hip, you happened to pull up one side of your dress, to reveal the little ruffles you had sewn on your pantie earlier, so your butt can look big. They were all hanging behind your chubby little legs. Everyone was wondering “What is that hanging behind Here-I-Am daughter’s legs, under her dress? But, you did not care. You walked straight on the Altar to ask Father Big-Ear permission to speak.
“Sure Angel! Go head!” Father answered you.
So you said:
“Great auntie, does not like when people lie on her. So, I have to tell you what happened. Because, she sure would not be happy to hear she went to heaven. NO. She told me, she did not want to go to heaven.”
How I know that? It’s because that same morning, I was laying down on her fat tommy, right after we ate some good, spicy fish together. So I said to Great Auntie, “I dreamed you were going on a long trip. You were packing all your stuff. When I asked you “Can I come with you?” You answered: “Not now my girl, you are much too young!” So after auntie heard my dream, auntie said. “My time is up my girl!”
“What’s that mean auntie?” I asked her.
“It means, I’m getting ready to live this earth.”
“You’re going to heaven?”
“Oh no honey, I don’t want to go to heaven, it’s too cold up there.” My legs always hurting me from ism illness (Rheumatism) because of the cold. You see all the white cloud from up there in heaven, my girl? They are as cold as ice. And, being from the Island, I would rather go somewhere hot.”
“But Father always said, the only place hot, is in hell great auntie!”
“Then, I rather go there!”
“But your butt is going to be on fire Great auntie!”
“Child, I’ve been good, so I’m sure God will turn it to paradise for me.”
“So let me run and get you some cold lemonade, so you won’t feel the heat then!”
“Ok my girl!”
So, I ran out to tell Auntie, “Auntie Make-A-choice is going to hell, so we need to make her some lemonade with lots of ice! “But nobody believed me! “And, when auntie went back in the room with me, auntie Make-A-choice was gone. She left home without the cold lemonade. Mm-Mm! So please don’t lie on auntie again.”
Everybody had a great laugh that day. We had forgotten it was a funeral. The priest wanting to encourage us to attend Mass, interpret Angel’s dream as a form of warning from the Lord. But I still prayed for Mamma every day since her burial, although I did not know where mamma’s soul went.
But one year later, after we had a mass for Mamma, I was seating right here under this mango tree. I must have dosed off to sleep, when I saw Mamma standing in front of me all sweating. I forgot she was dead, so I said to her:
“Mamma, you seem mighty hot dear, sweating all over the place, do you want some lemonade and ice?” She answered me:
“My butt is constantly on fire, and you think a cup of lemonade could help me out???”
That’s when I realized my girl was telling the truth. Lord have mercy – The girl sure was RIGHT! Mm!!! Since that day, Dodo and I went to church every Sunday. Then we started going to confession every week as well.
But on our first confession, Dodo sure cursed the poor priest. When Father Big-Ear asked her, “By any chance, are you related to angel? He was referring to my girl, for that’s how they called her at the church. So Dodo answered him.
“What is it to you if she’s related to me or not. That’s none of your damn business! I’m only here because I don’t want to go to hell. So, why the hell do you want to know, who the hell is my family?”
Then the priest answered: “Well, it seems to me, you’ve already made your acquaintance with hell. So why the hell are you running from hell, by coming here for confession?”
Then Dodo answered him: “Since misery loves company, I came to drag you with me!”
So when I heard the commotion between them two, I had to rush and drag my sister from there, because knowing her, I knew she was ready to strangle the poor priest.
When I kindly asked the priest to forgive her. “My sister always had a smart mouth.” I told him. But he just answered:
“I’m used to it my child. I know smart mouth runs in the family my child. Because Angel was here every day, confessing on behalf of her family!

child confessing

To Be Continued.

Walking To Dodo’s Plantation Part V -The Queen of Humor

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little girl

We were left both astonished and inspired by Smartgirl -Americannow story. We had laughed so much, our laughter reservoir had dried out. When we were called for dinner, let’s say my auntie had prepared enough food to feed the whole population in Haïti. Between four to six plantains, plus some veggie, and a bucket of rice for each one of us. Those of us from the city were not accustomed to eat as much. Our dinner usually consisted of a small salad, a plantain, and some rice. But when she realized we did not finished the whole tray of goat, she had convinced herself that we all needed a laxative; which by the way she gave me that same night prior bed; I had diarrhea till I filled up the four corners of the world with…

The following morning during breakfast, she mentioned how I used to dream when I was a little girl. “If  we  even sneezed inside our bedroom, Foufoune you used to dream it,” she said. Then she asked my father, “Does she still dreams?”

Papy answered “not as often, but quite often she will be pre-warned me of upcoming danger; like a car accident we just had.”

Then auntie yelled “Titletales, go fetch some herbs, make some tea – Foufoune’s dreaming angel is not well – “Don’t know what happened to her gift? But, will fix that for you too my girl!”

“Yes auntie!”

“Do you still see angels Foufoune? She asked me.”

“No auntie, I see demons now.”

“Titletales, get some herbs, she’s seeing demons now – don’t know what happened to the angels!” Then she called me toward her and said: “Now you’re still pure aren’t you?”

“Yes auntie, still pure. “

“Got to keep that closed up, till you get married, here me? Know, you city girls think differently, but OMG! Do you remember Secret’s story? “Hope you learned from her!”

Then she turned her attention toward my father. “Gineer, my girl was but five years old when she kept on telling me, “Auntie, I see Secret holding a baby boy, right here under this mango tree.”

“Not possible my girl!” I answered her. Because I knew Secret ain’t know no man yet, fact we were looking for a husband for her, but she had bad luck. Just gave her some tea a few months ago. But, my girl would not stop. She kept on telling me bout the same dream over and over, saying: “Auntie Mangotree, I saw Secret with a big baby boy. And, you were calling her another name too!”

“So I thought to myself, Secret has been getting heavy lately! Although I thought it was the effect of the cleansing tea I was giving her to clear out her bad luck. But, low and behold! That same afternoon, Secret legs were wide open. “Heaven was shitting! Yes, heaven sure was shitting, when she popped forth a fat baby boy! Imagine how shocked I was? So I almost fainted. then I said: “You ain’t pure no more child! Now, we changing your name to “Secret – It’s-all-over!” Afterward, had to drink some tea to heal me from that shock. But thank God, the baby papa married her, so she wasn’t lost after all. So her name was changed back to Secret again.”

Papy said: ‘But why did you guys called her Secret anyway?”

“Because her Mamma was just eighteen when she had her in secret too – and she never got married after that either!”

“Foufoune come to auntie so I can examine you. “Turn around and let me see your ass!”

After I turned, while she was touching  my butt, she said:

“Now my girl, you can’t go around with your Papa’s ass; flat as an iron! You’re a girl, and you need a little chunk of ass – “No man is going to marry you if you have ass like your Papa’s – You knew that since you were five years old. You use to turn your new sax into ruffles and sew them in the back of your panties, and dresses.  “Gineer, we couldn’t hide the needles from her, they were her best friends. “Remember for my Mamma’s funeral, we were dressing her up, when she finally open her mouth to speak again. She had stopped speaking since the day Mamma died. “Auntie MangoTree”, she said. “When I walk I want my butt to say: “Vip-Pip-Vip-Pip – Doum-Boum-Doum.” She sure did Gineer! Then Foufoune  walked all the way to the cemetery, with the lace ruffles half sewn in the back of her panty, hanging behind her chubby little legs. And she was shaking her butt, while talking to Mamma: “Look at me Great auntie – Look at me! I’m shaking my butt just for you! All along she was repeating:“Vip-Pip-Vip-Pip – Doum-Boum-Doum! Vip-Pip-Vip-Pip – Doum-Boum-Doum!”  And, shortly after, everybody started laughing – So much so, we forgot it was a funeral. Foufoune had even the priest laughing. Then I said, “She was the last one who saw Mamma alive, and she hadn’t spoken since. But Mamma made sure she brought our girl back to us. “Yes, Mamma wouldn’t have it any other way, for humor was Mamma’s gift!”