Month: May 2016
I just gave away my last drop of blood. Yes, it was part of the pre-employment screening process for my new job.
And, as if that wasn’t enough for them, I had to deliver a loaf made from my skin as well.
That’s when I thought to myself, “I guess I should have saved some of my nails clipped from my last manicure too?”
Suddenly I heard, “Sure! And don’t forget a few string from your bushy hair as well.”
So I answered, “My hair too? Wow! “I should be compensated for?”
“For what?” She interrupted.
“For all that torture I’ve suffered so far. “You know? The pain from the pocking, skin slicing, and now my bald head?”
But she said. “That’s why we only hire senior citizens; because we figured they should be used to all that by now.”
Can you believe that ruthless “Faker nurse?” The nerve of her!
It’s a good thing I was smart enough to be as fake as she was.
Yes, sometimes you just have to learn how to be prepared for tragedy.
So for my blood, I gave her an ounce of rat blood.
Instead of my hair, she clipped a piece of my weave.
And, as for my nails, they were snatched from a senior citizen cat, who belong to my next door neighbor.
“Are you sure those are your nails?” She asked me.
“They are as old as I am.” I answered her smiling.
So, did I get the job?
“Of course, I did!”
I just relocated to Hollywood, remember? The City of make believe!!!
Today was so beautiful, I couldn’t stop singing. Yes, the hills were alive with the sound of music. But, not for long though. Mother Nature and her children claimed that my voice was a high degree hazard threatening their safety, so one of them triggered nature’s smoke alarm.
Yes, I suffered a third-degree sunburn all over my body. And, a snake almost bit my tongue off.
I was furious. “Are you guys for real?” I yelled. “Here I am singing my heart out to you guys and.”
“Are you guys for real?” I yelled. “Here I am singing my heart out to you guys and.”
But, before I could finish my sentence, I heard.
“First off, “We are Ladies, not “Guys.”
So I answered, “And, you ladies have your monthly visitor or something?”
“NO! Its just that, only Maria is welcome upon these hills.” They answered back.
So, later on, when I went back wearing Maria’s original dress. I even wore the same striped apron. And, since my hair was already shaved, I was looking just like a black version of Maria.
YES, IT WAS THE SAME DRESS!!!
In fact, the thrift shop owner where I actually purchased the dress from was originally from Austria. Seriously, she looked just like a typical Austrian woman. Yes, she was a dark skin African/American woman, with thick coarse hair, dressed like a Gipsy.
Well! What did you expect? For God’s sake, this is America.
And, for all of you doubters, that’s all I will say about that.
Gosh! Do I always have to explain myself?
Anyway, let me get back to my story: So when I went back to the hills. (Yes, I was singing and dancing, just like Maria.) Till shortly after, I heard,
“Hey, you jalapeno drum beat, this is California, not Florida!”
“How dare?” I thought to myself.
That’s before I answered then back “You dry sands; no wonder EARTHQUAKE is your middle name.”
“Exactly!” Another voice yelled. “And, with your chubby self stumping here, you’re certainly not doing us a favor either!”
“Gosh!” I screamed. “Here I’m dressed like Maria, dancing and singing my heart out, and you guys are still kicking me out of here.”
That’s when they all yelled back.
“Who told you to come audition here? THIS IS NOT HOLLYWOOD!!!”
So I yelled back: “What were you all expecting me to do here? I’m from the Von Trapp family, so, of course I’m trapped here!”
A woman after countless glance, while adorning herself, asked the mirror:
“Mirror-Mirror on the wall who is the loveliest of all?”
“The mirror bluntly answered her: “Trust me dear, NOT YOU.”
The woman was furious, she slapped the mirror with her towel, as she yelled back:
“And you should be talking? You’re nothing but a fragile glass, with no gender, or character. You imitate the shape of everyone who stands before you… And because you so envious of us, you attempt to seep the life from our soul. Yes, you’re nothing but a leach!”
The mirror calmly answered back: “Oh yeah! Guess what you vain flesh? I’ve had saggy breasts, fat bellies, mushy butts, bad mood cats, Rottweiler dogs, boring ghosts, and even anopheles mosquitoes passed by here; but, I only look ugly whenever you stand before me. So, do me a gigantic favor will you?… DROP DEAD!
“Now Miss Ladesse you’re a one damn good soul- Swear to God – swear to God.” Said the old man. He was still sitting down on his lazy boy while holding his cane. With his righ hand, he was sipping his cup of coffee she had just prepared for him. The young nurse smiled before she answered him.
“Well thank you Mr. D, but you mean” I’m a good soul?”
“Swear to God Miss Ladesse. Swear to God. There’re no damn good soul left here on this earth!”
“Mr. D you mean only the good souls are left? ”
“No Miss Ladesse. NO. There are no damn good souls left. I swear to God-Swear to God.”
Well, shouldn’t we be rejoicing about that Mr. D?”
“Rejoycing? No damn good soul left here and I should be happy about that? What’s wrong with you Miss Ladesse?”
“Mr. D. Don’t you think the world should be a better place without the damned good souls.”
“NO IT WON’T! Sure ain’t! If the damn good souls are gone, only the damn bad souls are left here, what to rejoice about?”
“Mr. D, if they are good souls then, why are they damned? I’m not a damned good soul, I’m a good soul.”
“Well Miss Ladesse, I don’t know about you, but I’m one damn good soul, and I thought you were one too, but I guess I was wrong.”
“Mr. D I’m still a good soul.”
“And this is exactly what I’m trying to tell you here Miss Ladesse. “ You’re one damn good soul.”
“But, I thought you just said there were “no damned good soul left here Mr. D?”
“That’s not what I said Miss Ladesse. The old man yelled. You’re not hearing me right. “I said there are no damn good souls left here, but you and I are sure two damn good ones left here. Swear to God-swear to God.”
But Mr. D, if we are two good souls, why do you refer to us as ‘two damned souls?”
“That’s just the way it is Miss Ladesse. Swear to God, I swear to God! “But damn it, for a damn good soul, you sure are one damn stupid sould, if you can’t get what I-SAYIN!!!”
As you read this story, keep these words in mind.
Bourk = Book
Deux = The
Firfty too = Fifty two
Fothy –too = Forty two
Fow = Four
Frenk = French
Ma Soeur = My sister
Pasteur = Pastor
Reard = Read
Somme = Psalm
Too = Two
Woolcome = Welcome
So I went to visit one of the Haitian Church a few days ago. At first, I was convinced I was in the wrong church, because the greeters were too friendly. But when the praise leader finally said:
“Woolcome – Woolcome to deux hourze of the Lord!” I thought, ‘Yes! I’m at the right place!”
During the worship service, with all the drum and the guitar playing, I felt obligated to contribute my share in the party. So I danced till I shed a few pounds.
After an hour of dance, it was time for the…
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You glowing like the sun
Like purifying gold – volcano eruption
Vibrant energy – essence of beauty
Who could resist your domiñating passion?
Zest of Inspiration
I do welcome you.
My Latest Painting- Acrylic On canvas “L’Inspiration.”
Wishing all the beautiful and worthy Mothers a “Wonderful Mother’s Day!”
For your unconditional love:
Child: “Mah, I’m ready for you to wipe my boody!”
Mother: “Hold on, I said I’m coming!”
Child: “But it smells Mah, hurry up, MAH!!!”
For all you’ve sacrificed:
Child: “Wow Mah, I love this dress; thank you. Where did you buy it from?”
Mother: “The thrift shop.”
Child: “THE THRIFT SHOP????”
For all the sleepless nights and awakening moments.
Mother: “Oh no! Nurse, I think you made a mistake.”
Nurse: “I’m afraid this is your baby Ms…”
Mother: “Are you kidding m? Does the hospital has a “Return To Sender”stamp?”
For all your heartfelt prayers:
Mother’s typical prayer:
“Lord please watch over my little angels, they are so perfect and I love them so much.”
Children: “Mahhhhhhh…. tell her to leave me ALONE!”
Mother’s revise prayer: “Lord please send your angels down to restrain me before I slap the crap out of my little demons!”
Mother’s furious prayer:
“Lord, if you give me one more girl like these ones, I swear I’ll search for Jacob’s ladder, and climb the trillion stairs to heaven, to dump her right back on your lap!!!”
Lastly, Mother’s thanksgiving prayers:
“Dear Lord, thank you for watching over my babies. And, thank you for the blessed gift of Motherhood!”
Now, a garden of flowers for you lovely Mothers.
When Deewon and Likewasette met three days ago, it was lust at first sight.
“Where have you been all my life beautiful?” The handsome dark skin hunk whispered to her.
Of course, the Latino beauty couldn’t stop blushing. So, as she stood in front of Deewon with her Coca-Cola shape, she threw back her head, and while she slides her long manicured nails through her dark curly hair, her hair tumbled over her right shoulder. Then she gave him a flirtatious wink before she walked away.
Deewon eyes were glued to her butt cheeks, which, by the way, were dancing to the rhythm of the drums.
“No gorgeous. Won’t let my future queen walk away from me.” As he grabbed her hand, he said to her, “Please tell me you’re available.”
The Porto Rican beauty was blushing again. Soon, their bodies were so kneaded together, leaving the impression they were both dancing to the sound of the“Love Boat” song while celebrating their first wedding anniversary in paradise.
But, just when he was about to kiss her, she whispered back, “The question is “Are D’YOU aval-label hand-sum HONK?” Meaning: (The question is, are you available handsome hunk?”
Three days later it was their first date, and they both were dressed to lust. He took her to a nice restaurant near the beach.
“Her heavy accent drove him crazy.” He said. And, he couldn’t stop reminding her of how sexy she looked that night.
“D’jo looking lika honk is what driving me clazy bout d’jo.” Meaning : ( You’re looking like a honk is what’s drives me crazy about you.)
Half an hour later they realized they were being served enough meal to serve the whole City.
“Would you rather have a larger table for your extra guests?” One of the waitresses asked them.
The couple with a puzzled expression answered, “Guests? But we’re only two.”
“Not anymore!” Yelled a loud mouth two hundred fifty pounds fair skin woman. As she slowly walked toward the table, she was dragging three overweight toddler boys with her.
“Are you surprise honey?” She said while she placed the youngest boy on Deewon lap.
Deewon was speechless.
“Yap!” Eleven years ago I thought he was “The One” instead of “Deewon” too!” Hilarious, don’t you think?”
Latino girl was shocked, so she yelled. “And dyou told me you were aval-label?” (Meaning: And you told me you were available?)
Dewon whispered back, “I’m baby. I’m not married to Loudwanda – she just my baby Mamma.”
After Loudwanda had snatched the bottle of wine from the table, she gurgled it down like a newborn baby, sucking her mother’s breast for the first time.
Then, while she brushed her long nails through her reddish long weave, she answered:
“Yes, I’m just the baby Mamma who happen to sleep next to him every night.”
After she signaled one of the waitresses with her hand, she said, “Where are your manners, pretty boy? Can’t you tell there are more guests arriving? We need more chairs for the table.”
She grabbed the second bottle of wine.
“Oh! by the way, you might as well bring three more chairs because Miss Latino here will have her baby Papa and her two children joining us soon.”
‘WHAT?” Deewon yelled. “And you told me you were available?”
Likewasette answered back “But Chico, I am ava-label – M’not marrweed! (Meaning: Yes chico, I’m available, I’m not married.)
“ Her name is Likewise isn’t it? So why are you surprise?” Said a male voice behind them.
After Loudwanda tapped Deewon’s shoulder, she said, “Welcome to my world honey!”