Arrogant Mr. Culinary

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hot pepper

I drove near little Haïti yesterday morning to shop for some fresh veggie. I was surprise of the surge of energy I felt suddenly. All along, my eyes were constantly tickled, while my lips played hide and seek with an ease smile.
I knew partially why. Perhaps, it was because I was in my bain. In the veggie isles, while I smelled  the cilantro, parsley, thyme, habaneros peppers, I was pampering the fresh plum tomatoes, and red bell peppers in my hands. It felt like an endless love affair.
Yes, I love to cook. In fact, the culinary ecstasy which I became familiar with, since my youth, has been the only husband I’ve managed to keep so far. Gladly to say, we still interact like bread and butter.

“Listen!” I usually tell him. “I’m the one cooking here, and you know very well I don’t like to use measurements!”

His arrogant tone of voice could be heard miles away:     Sardine

“Ah bon! YOU berder makre me taste goord, ann look enticirng too!”
“You are so conceded, with your French accent!” I would yell back.
“Bien suuure! Don’t you kneur who I’m R’AM!” (“Of course, don’t you know who I Am!”)
I would turn, while shaking my head to reply: “Who are you Mr. Culinary. Have you not realized, you are nothing but dirt?”
He would be furious of course.

“DERT! How darre yuu! I R’Am the arroma everrryone long for worlwide. “Irr, Irr, satisfy evveryone culinary buzz DAILY. And, you darre call me dert?”

“Big deal Culinary breeze! But, technically, you are dirt. Therefore, before you raise your nose so highly, keep in mind, all your “Arrroma” ingredients are from the ground. The dirt. So for once in your lifetime, try to master the art of humility.”
By then he would calm down. Then answers pensively:  “RAh! I nerver thought of that. “Good thing I R’Am from France then! Thank you mon Amour (My love) for pointing this fact to Meu!”

So, as I continue to peel my potatoes, I would acknowledge this fact: Yeah!” I must admit. The perfumes from France are among the best inventions!”

Raging: “Allo! Wrat do you mean by theirrr Parfum – And about the Art Culunaire- La patisserie???”

“You know what I meant my love!”

At last, as we both smiled, once again, “It would be love at- first- sight.”

Definition of Chill – Rain!

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Oh! So you’re really looking for the definition of “Chill – Rain?”

In my book, it stands for “CHIL-DREN!”

The word “Chill” in the dictionary means: A feeling of sudden fear, anxiety, or alarm. A depressing influence or sensation.

So when you have children, you are inviting a rainfall,an outburst of all of the above.  Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.

Now, I’m not saying not to have the little rascals. But, my advise to you: “Wait after you’ve enjoyed your life.”

Like my second daughter. She’s been all over the world and still traveling. In fact, she’s creating her own country, just so she can find the next spot to travel, since she’s been EVERYWHERE!

Or, you can do the alternative. Wait till you turn fifty to have  the brats. Why? So they’ll practically raise themselves.

Yap! It will be like a 50/50 investment. You boob would have already been ruined. Your chin dragging, you really don’t have nothing left to lose.

In  their late twenties, you know, when their horns are visible to the world, their smart mouth echoing before your face, you’ll at least have the satisfaction to say:

“What did you say your name was child; who are you?”

“Ma, it’s me!”

“Me who?”

“Your daughter, or your son!”

“Really! I had children? Now what do you know!” Hihihihi! (After they left)

Or, lets say they come to you and say “Mom, I’m so hungry!” After, you’ve just spent your last dime, and filled the fridge with all sort of goodies.

You can answer them “I just came from the doctor, my taste bud is completely null. Going forward, you going to have to cook honey!”

Then wait till they get out of your private space, which is your room. Stretch your body comfortably on your bed, grab your favorite book, and start reading with a satisfying smile on your face.(Don’t regret it either!!!)

And about when they go in your purse and take your favorite lipstick, or your closet, borrow your new pair of Italian shoes, which by the way, you will never see AGAIN! Why? Because, they don’t feel you deserve it!

Tell them: ” Oh dear,  I sure hope you don’t catch my infection, just came from the dentist!”

As for the shoes, let them believe your foot is so badly infected, they shouldn’t even sit on your bad!”

You see old age give us one advantage over this young so called smart generation, who think they can treat like crap, after we’ve sacrificed our lives for them. That is, “We can act as crazy as we wish!  If they are not worthy of our genuine kindness, and love toward them, don’t let them take any more advantage of us. If you have to, tell them “Your back, your jaw, your ear, your ass,  even breathing hurt.”

When they show you an expensive dress or pants they want you to buy, you should be suddenly blind.

“Hone, I wish I could see, bu I’m losing my sight. The doctor just told me.” Then pray for forgiveness!

When they ask you to remember something, you are no longer alert!

“Sweetie, you forget how old your mother is?” Then sight, pitifully! As if you truly regret not enabling them.

Yes, its time that we fight back! This generation has the capacity to be either “A mother’s curse, or a blessing!”

However, if indeed, they are a blessing, is there anything we wouldn’t do for them?

This has been my experience. My apology, if your children are exempt from this serenade!

As for me, in view of my past experience from the children I sacrificed so much for, had I not be strong, I could have dropped dead!

Therefore, while I will continue to pray for them, I will patiently wait for them to gain maturity. I know the day will come, since I taught them well. I trust the Word of God which promised me “Train a child the way they should grow, and when they get old, they will not depart from it.” If God is not a liar, my children will find their way back to wisdom, love, and respect, even the Godly success I’ve prayed for.Thankfully, they’ve all earned their Bachelor and Masters, with the exception of one, still struggling.

But meanwhile, if they ever disrespect me again, and think they play with my love:

Mom, can you do this for me? I will answer:

“I don’ t know you from jack, who the hell are you?” Will be my answer!