facts of life
I had such a horrible day yesterday, I seriously wanted to end my life. So I walked miles away near the beach to drawn myself. But after I tasted the first wave of salty water I reasoned: “There has to be a more glorious way to die.” I may wish to die, but I certainly don’t want to look like a swollen corpse for my viewing!
So I decided to relax my body on the sand while all along thinking on my next step. Maybe I should attempt to strangle myself? Then I imagined my tongue sticking out, with my eyes bulging out. Oops! That’s not a pretty site either!
Ok. About if I were to drink some household cleaning products? Between Clorox and ammonia, they should do the job! That was before I realized how strong their smell. Don’t you think so? Besides, they can’t possibly taste that great either! And to top it all, my corpse would become a toxic waste, and I certainly don’t want to contaminate the earth. Hey! Mother earth does not deserve that, OK!
About if I ran in front of a large truck? Then my remains would have to be scraped off the street. About if a chunk of my face were left behind? My children would probably be heartbroken, so it might be a waste of energy since they’ll be forced to identify me?
Lastly, I could have a Med-shake, from a mixture of Tylenol, Aspirin, and Nightquill. Then I thought, “About if I don’t really die? Then I would risk being rushed to the hospital, with a nurse ripping a tube down my nose, in order to drain the nasty mixture from my stomach. YOK! I don’t want to feel any pain before I die!
My mind was so exhausted, I needed to rest. So I thought, why not think about this tomorrow? Then it dawns on me: “Why not address my maker?” He should be able to help me out, don’t you think? I’m told creation is His specialty, so He may even invent a whole new death trap for me.
“Ok God, I’m laying down here feeling drained and hopeless. You can either give me a brilliant idea how to end my life, or send the angels of death to pick me up. I know I really don’t need to tell You the reason why I want to end my life today because you are a nosy God anyway. so You already know the deal.”
A couple hours later, as if I wasn’t already having a horrible day, my daughter came home with the mindset to make me wish I was truly dead.
“You have not been talking Mom, and I want to know your plan? “Mom, you have to talk to me, you’re not shutting up on me… “This is not good for you, you must express yourself! Blablabla!”
All along I could not stop asking God: “Are you for real? This is the best death trap you can think of?”
I don’t know if you’ve heard, “He may not answers when you expect Him to, but “He’s always on time.” Just when I thought I would shut up, and let my daughter drain the last string of life from me. She repeated:
“No Mom. You are not shutting down on me!” What is going on?” So I yelled:
“I FREAKING DON’T –WANT-TO – LIVE-ANYMORE, so leave me alone!”
“Really!” She answered. “So you think you are the only one who feels this way? Sometimes I wish I was dead myself!”
I was so shocked, I just starred at her. Then I thought: “Is this child crazy? After I sacrificed my life, worked like a maniac to provide for her. She went to one of the best university; how could she possibly wish her death, when she’s only twenty-four?” I better stay alive to make sure she’s kidding me!”
So, after a long walk, I went back to bed. Suddenly I remembered seeing a small parcel by the door. When I noted it was for me, I was thrilled. “Oh my God! I don’t want to die before I read the “Novel & Short Story Writer’s Market 2016!”
The moral to this story? “Never give up! And when you think you have it bad, take a good look around you!”