“But you know what? I have to thank the big tall lady standing right in the ocean. Her name is Hattan.”
“Papy looking puzzled, then said: Who?”
“You don’t know her Gineer? You lived in the strange land, and you don’t’ know the Mother of the land? She’s a tall, green lady. And, she’s holding some fire in her hand!”
“Oh! You mean in “MAN “HATTAN?”
“Now Gineer, when I went to see her, she did not look like a “Man,” they even said she was a woman!”
“She’s in Manhattan, I said!”
“No Gineer, (Meaning engineer) she’s in the strange land. Auntie took me to see her before I came back here! I remember that morning as crystal clear, when she told me:
“Now I know you have a smart head on your shoulder, because since you were four years old, you would cry like a baby for your Mamma to let you pump her breast milk. But’ we found out two years later, after you bought your first set of goat, you were actually selling your mamma’s breast milk, to the dry breast mamma’s, so they can feed their newborn baby.”
“Really? I don’t remember that auntie.”
“Yes you did! In fact, when we asked you: “Where did you get all that money Girl?” You answered: “You guys thought I was retarded when I was pumping Mamma’s milk! “But, I was taking care of my business! “So that’s when we changed your name to “Smart-Girl”
“So what was your name before then?” My sister asked her.
“I just said it. My name was “Girl” before that! – My Mamma had nine boys before she finally had a girl, so she called me “Girl!” Like I was saying. Auntie said:
“I’m taking you to see another Smart girl, and she’s the mother of this strange land. You can talk to her, whenever we get there.”
When I got there, OMG! No wonder she’s called the mother of the land? She was a giant! But when I saw people walking in and out of her, I thought that was too disrespectful. Instead, I stood outside all day talking to her. So I said:
“Beautiful Smart Lady, my name is Smartgirl, and I’m from Haïti. It’s and Island down there on earth. “I see how you take care of your children, they have nice house and food all over the place. I’ve even spent hours picking up some quata and thyme (quarter and dime) from the ground since I’ve been here, and I have a few buckets filled with them now. I came to your country because back home they always said, anyone name American will never have to live in poverty. “You see, I would stay here because auntie is going to get me the green paper the Igration (Immigration) asked for, but I don’t want to stay. “It’s too damn cold in here! “Oh! I’m sorry for cursing front of you too! “So I want to go back home, but I want to live just like your children when I get there. So, I’m changing my name to Americannow, so you can help me too. Now, I have to tell you folks, and that’s an honest confession: “The moment I was done talking to her, this thought came to mind: “Why not go back to Haïti, and turn my people to Americannow too!
So I went back home with a plan. My mager friend had already told me I could send stuff to Haiti by boat. So, I started shipping the boxes of coins to papa, and all the empty spaghetti sauce, and alcohol bottles I had collected from all the stupid Haitian. I sent a message to auntie: “Heaven came down! Sale all the bottles, and help the poor. Save the rest, coming back home soon!” Do you remember what else I sent you auntie?
Auntie answered: You sent that thing that make the strange sound “tra-tra-tac, and “
Oh yes! I sent a typewriter, a camera, and the big light machine. I can even make a copy of my hand with it. I don’t remember what it’s called.”
Papy answered: “Are you referring to copy machine?”
“Gineer, you are a smart Man. How did you know? This is exactly what they call them too! “But I thank God I did that, because the day the tall blue eyes men came to the house, to ask me for the green paper; I only had a chance to get my money from under the mattress. But at the airport, when I walked through that machine, they had to pull me aside to ask me:
“What do you have on you?”
I answered them: “None of your damn business!
“They said: “Do you have over $10,000.00 on you?!”
So I answered them: “And why would I want to share this information with you – so you can have the Mafia come and rob me? I saw that on your TV one day, so don’t’ think I don’t I know what’s going on!!!”
After that, they placed me in a room, almost turned me upside down, in order to shake me like a yoyo. After they made me angry, “I took my bra off, and you know what else. After I bent over, I asked them:
“Do you want to see more?”
They all ran out of the room and told me: “Get dress! Get dress PLEASE!”
I looked at them and said “You Dumbo! It’s a good thing I’m getting a free ticket back home from you guys. I could have given you the green paper you asked for, instead I choose to give you a white piece of paper so you can sheep me back home for FREE!”
Then one of the guy who held my passport said: “Your name is Smartgirl, but you should have been called: “Smart mouth too!”
So I answered him: “No! For your info, that’s my little cousin’s nickname! “Even the angels call her by that name!” As she turned to me to say:
“Foufoune, I was talking about you!”
After we all laughed our heart out, my father finally asked her:
“But, how much money could you have saved in three years?”
“Hihihi! Papa was shipping me some mangoes and plantains, which I sold to the stupid Haïtian who lived there.” So between my three panties and my two bras, I had $25,741.03!!!”
Then she turned to auntie to say: “Auntie, did I tell you I saw “Richboy” working in a store there? He had a blue uniform on, and had to stand aaaall day on his feet. “So when I asked him:
“How much are you getting paid to stand on your precious feet for sooo long Richboy? He answered something like “A minus wave!” (Minimum wage)
“So I cursed him out, auntie – I sure did! “Why would you come in the strange land to freeze your butt off, while working for a minus something, when you have over twenty acres of land full of chicken, goat, plantain and shit?” “Anything with the sound of minus, can’t be profiting you that much?” He must have been embarrassed because he kept on looking on the floor. “That’s when I knew, I would rather save my money, in order to get the hell out of that strange land, before I freeze my but off, and go coucou like all the stupid Haïtian who lived there. “You know, most of them had to work two jobs just to pay the bills. And, whenever I saw them, they always look like a needle pen wrapped in a comforter. Honestly I could never understand what they were saying to me; They will say:
“How-how-how R-R-R You-hu-hu-hu?” Because their butt was freezing!” I would answer:
“Am-am N’ot Fa- ah- ah – ine! Because my but was freezing too.”
“So what type of business do you have American?” I curiously asked her.
“Hihihi! My name is not American, It’s “AmericanNOW!” “When I first came back to Haïti, I just place a sign in front of my front door: “DO YOU WANT TO BE AMERICANNOW?” The same day, I had over 400 people in front of my door. In fact I had to hire some helpers right away!
“But what do you do?” I asked her again.
“Wait! I’m telling you. “When they came in, I told them: “I just came back from the strange land, it’s not worth going up there, unless you want to go to school. “Told them about Richboy working for $5.00 an hour. Everybody said: “What? Now heaven is shitting!”
So after my speech, told them “The only way we can break this poverty spell off our Country, we will have to do the followings:
- First, let’s add Americannow to our name, we will be living just like the American, the only exception, “Our butt won’t be freezing like them.”
- We have to be willing to change our mentality – work together, in unify there is power.
- Let’s find a way to market our resources, the other Islands are already doing that, even though they are selling nothing but CRAP!
So for those who agreed, I only charged them $100.00 for the paper work. I gave them a green piece of paper with their picture on it. I also teach them how to speak their new language for free. But I call it “Frenchglish,” since there are many words I couldn’t even pronounce! We all had lands full of plantation, plus cow, chicken, goats… you name it. So we decided to open an “AmericanNOW Supermarket” just like in the strange land. With cool air and everything.
“You mean the Supermarkets in the City are for you guys?”
“Of course! We have four of them now. Finally coming to the Country side now! Have you noticed the “Rich People Freezer” near the back? I know you guys like your escargot, which we pick up for free around here. But only one thing, we don’t deal with foolishness. Anyone who refuse to let the country progress, we will blow their heads off! This is how we deal with the robbers. First, they must ask them these three questions:
- Are you hungry or homeless?
“If they are hungry, feed them. If they are homeless, send them to the shelter. “Give them this address for a job offer.”
“Then tell them: “Next time we will blow your head off!
- Is your child, your mamma or papa sick in the hospital?
“If they answered yes, send them to bill care.”
“If they said: “What the hell are you talking about? “Blow their heads off.”
- Do you or your child, or your younger brother, or sister want to go to school, perhaps you don’t have the money to pay …?
“If they say “yes” sent them to school care.
“If they answered: “Why the hell do I want to go to school for? “Blow – their -heads – off!!!”
The Americannow entreponor (entrepreneur) have zero tolerance for bull shit! After over 200 years of independence, Haïti must move forward!”
“Excuse me again for my bad language, Mr. & Ms. Gineer, auntie and the children! “Sometimes it’s only fitting to say a good “Shit!” Learn that from the Strange Land too!!!”
“Bless you my child!”
“Thank you – Achello!”
“Bless you again! But if I were you I would be concern about the way you sneeze.”
“Concern? I always say “Ac – Hello” when I sneeze. There are times I find myself saying “Ac –Ciel –lo!”
“Exactly what I thought! First, let me introduce myself. My name is sneezing! Therefore, I must inform you the words which you expressed whenever you sneeze is in direct coalition with your final destination. For example, You thought you said: “Hello!” What I heard was “Hell-o! Whenever my children call, I must appear.” So my question to you is: “How is your relationship with your creator?”
“Great! I go to church, I pray – in fact just last week, I climbed Jacob’s latter to heaven – Went to a trial for offending 19,000 plus angels Thank God for the blood of Jesus. I was completely forgiven.”
‘I hate to be the carrier of bad news my child, but if you were in good standing, your sneezed would have been the alternative: “Ac-Ciel-lo!” Which of course you know means heaven in your native language.”
“Really? I never heard such a thing before!”
“Well! We don’t speak that often, do we?”
“Oh please! My Brother sneeze “Akulanga! Are you telling me he’s in good standing? When hell is even afraid of him?”
“I would prefer we don’t involve your brother in this conversation. Last I remember, he tried to give me a Coup-D’état.”
“Is that so? How was .”
“Let’s change the subject, my child. “Anyway, did you say you climbed Jacob’s latter to heaven?”
“Yes I did, but I haven’t told a soul about it. I want to keep it all to myself.”
“Now I see, where the problem is. You are a selfish woman!”
“Yes you are! How could you have discovered the pathway to heaven, and wish to keep this good news all to yourself? “Ac-SatanME!”
“Did you just sneezed “Ac-SatanME?”
“So what I’m Satan?”
“What? Are you Satan? But you told me you were the sneezing.”
“Who told you to believe me? You knew I was a liar, didn’t you? Besides, have you not read: “I can transform myself into an angel of light?”
” I believed you because you.”
“You lack discernment dear, DISCERNMENT! And, why do you think I’ve been calling you my child – you sneezed
“HELL-O!” DID YOU NOT?”
“OMG! You are a liar, a thief, a”
“Blablabla -Yes I’m all of the above! “And about you, who’ve kept the road to heaven to yourself, and have not spread the Good News to others!
I’ve been waiting for YOU to show up. Hell YOU!
“Excuse you, but I’m not ‘Hell or YOU” My name is DESTINY.”
“I know who you are, and I’m furious at you – Look at my life! In fact, let me start talking, because I need to unload my chest.”
“OK. Now that I’ve removed the knife from the counter, you don’t happen to have a gun, do you?”
“Of course not! I may be furious, but I’m not a murderer!”
“They all say that dear – Please, do continue.”
“Ok. How come there are doctors, nurses, engineers, nutritionist, attorneys, teachers, artist, chef, even a con-artist in my family. I’ve been told everyone has a destiny. But I’m fifty plus years old, and still yet to discover mine. Who the hell am I supposed to be?”
“How the hell should I know? I’m not your “Maker!” If I were you, I would just pick one missing from the list you just mentioned.”
“What? What kind of answer is this? You are not helping me!”
“I don’t recall greeting you with “May I help you?” In fact, when I showed up, I DID SAY “Peekaboo,” didn’t I? Now you see me, now you don’t!”
“What’s that supposed to mean? If you are my destiny, you are supposed to know that at least.”
“Oh dear! I’m everyone’s DESTINY. This is my name, remember?”
“So, you should know my faith!”
“Oh no dear. This is between you and your Maker, I don’t meddle in the mater of religion.”
“Religion? Who said anything about religion?”
“You just mentioned faith didn’t you? Or did you mean to say “fate?”
I’m talking about my destiny, so of course I meant to say fate.”
“Oh honey, you need to learn how to spell then.”
“OMG! Are you FOR REAL?”
“Oh dear, rage won’t’ help you either!”
“DESTINY, I need some answers from you. SO STOP IT!”
Honey, I don’t have the answers you are seeking. I’m DESTINY, therefore I’m in the future, not the present. But I guarantee you: If you search deep within, you will discover the answers which you are seeking, along with all the tools you will need, for your journey. Then, only one thing will be left for you to do: Just learn how to use them. For these tools were given to you, so they may guide you through every steps, till you reach your destined path. But, I guarantee you, if you step up forward, through the road of resilience, make a right turn. Then cross the valleys, and climbs up the hills ahead. Remember, no matter how many times you will stumble and fall, you must force yourself to get up, and keep moving forward. Because, after you’ve defeated your demons, and, at the mountaintop of victory, right there, at the appointed time; I will be standing waiting for you.”
“You cheater! You only show up at the end!”
“Wouldn’t you? I’m DESTINY. I cannot afford to get dirty!”
I said Hell – Low!!!
“Believe me, I heard you the first time! But, did you realized you just said “Hell-Low” instead of Hello?”
Yeah! I’m the official marketing director for Hell. So I try to included Hell, in everything I hell say. You know the hell I’m talking about? So hell, may lllllling-ger around, even after I get the hell away from you!”
“What a discussing thing to do? No wonder you look like death with your skeleton self!”
“The hell excuse me dear! I don’t look like death. But I aaaam DEATH! “I have no flesh, no guts, plus I’m deaf. Well! – Partially deaf. I can only hear dialogs like we’re having. But when it comes to begging, weeping and sobbing, I can’t hear a thing.”
“Mmm! I wonder why?”
“The hell you’re slow! Do I have to spell it out to you? My job requires me to confirm “You- are –dead. Mort. Mortuum. Muerto. Morto. Tot. Marbh!!! You get my point? Yes. So your family won’t have to burry you alive. You know the scripture: “For dust you are and to dust you will return.” Yap! This is my hellish job – But you guys sure hate me for that! The hell with you all!”
“Death, what do you expect from us – you are bad news!”
“The hell I am NOT! That highmighty, “cette prétencieuse” self righteous woman who summoned me here today, is the carrier of bad news. She’s the one who keeps up with time, to serve me with the Life termination notice. Read a sample below:
“Hey dark soul! Please see below.
Death Termination Notice For:
Name … Address… Specific time…Soul level Light __________ Or Darkness _______”
P.S. “Don’t show up before your time. I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE!”
So you see, after LIFE takes herself out of the equation, I show up. My job is to test the flesh, and place my dead seal on it. And I’m done. The spirit does it share, while the soul angel does his, way before I came in the picture. But I’m am called the bad guy!”
“I can see your point of view. I noticed you tend to speak with a French accent, by any chance ar?”
“So you can herirt? Oh yers, yers! Although I’m nort Frenrch but I practiced the accenrt, so people will tendrr to pay atterntion to my voirce, and nort my face! Burt, if you “Ma Belle” don’t minerr, for nowr I wilr speark writ my nartive accenrt instead; since it hurt my tongre, and my bott when I speark writ a French Accenrt.”
“Did you say “it hurt you tongue and your butt when “
“The hell it does. But I only use it when I want to impress ladies. I once tried it on LIFE, but she did not budge. I can’t stand her beautiful self-righteous hell self.”
“Life, I would not budge either. You are not a handsome dude. Plus, from what she told me, she keeps company with the sun, the stars, oppor”
Yeah –yeah-yeah! HEARD IT ALL! I work for the “Big Guy” too, you know. But you guys think Satan is my boss. IT IS WRITTEN: “The Lord has made all for Himself. Yes, even the wicked for the day of doom.” HE”S a wise one, I tell you. Ok. I admit it. My company is more on the dark side. Spirits such as “Never enough, harassment, insanity, and every freak from the cemetery call me their friend. Look at me? I’m doomed for darkness! LIFE, LIGHT, BEAUTY, and not even WISDOM seek my company. I live in darkness, doomed for eternity; away from the Son, the merciful Lord.”
“DEATH, I’m assuming you’ve fallen from grace, was due to your past faulty actions. Perhaps, even too late to make amend. So I don’t really believe everything you saying, all I know you’re probably part of the lying spirits. And again, you still marketing for hell, instead of heaven, how so?”
“Oh well! Misery loves company! Hell! – I don’t live in hell – but I keep company with same like spirits. Haven’t you heard: “Tell me who your friends are, and I sure the hell will tell you who you are.” Yes, I have plenty of friends from there, and I intend to draw many more. It’s too late to make amends anyway. Was it Michelangelo who said: “If we have been pleased with life, we should not be displeased with death, since it comes from the hand of the same master?” So I have my reasons to believe, TIME is sure not going to give me another chance. TIME lost, is lost indeed. So one should be mindful to use it wisely while still living. For the memory of the dead are forgotten. So my advice to you “Ma Belle,” practice doing good, not evil. Yap, it’s too late for me! But, I tell you, TIME IS A THIEF!”
“TIME is a blessing – TIME is favor – TIME is a good TIMe – TIME is appointed – Did someone Called TIME?”
To be continued.
Yes. Jesus stepped back, then said: “Nadège, this is my Father calling you.” That’s When I heard again:
“NADEGE, I SAID COME HERE!!”
“Yes, your Honor – Your Excellence – God – I mean Heavenly Father. Your humble daughter is here!”
“What is this I heard? – I have 35,000 angels complaining about you – look at all these red files on my desk – What is GOING ON Young Lady?”
“Father, can you please repeat the last two words again?”
“Nadege, I’m not in the mood for humor!”
“Ok! Ok! Gosh! I mean, Father – If you don’t mind say so – Isn’t it a fact, you have innumerable angels? So if only 35,000 of them are complaining against me, don’t you think the fault lies with them, and not me? And, just to set the record clear, my last count was 19,000 plus angels, not 35….”
“No, Nadège. The 19,000 plus you are referring to, are your guardian angels. Apart from them, countless others were delegated to you – most of them were from the urgent care department. And I”
“Oh! Now I see! So you mean the “TEASING,” “HELP!,” and “LAUGHING” angels were all from the emergency Department too?”
“Yes. And you had your share of intervention from THEM– Their report were.”
‘AND DO-YOU-KNOW-WHY Father? “TEASING” for example, always try to tease me when I’m preparing for my Algebra class exam – One day I had to ask him: “Can you be serious for once?” He stormed out of the room and sent me a SERIOUS angel who looked just like King Kong.
On the other hands, HELP! saw me pulling my hair off, trying to figure out how I was going to pay my bills. He stood there like a Freak – I mean, like a mannequin. So when I finally turned and asked him: “You NEVER HELP me, why is..?” Before I could even finish my sentence, he was replaced by another frail looking angel.
“Who are you?” I asked him.
-“My name is NEVER HELP.”
-“What happened to “HELP!”?”
““You called for NEVER HELP didn’t you?”
That’s when the LAUGHING angel walked in as if he had a special invitation; laughing his heart out. So I said, “Are you FREAKING SERIOUS?”
By the time FREAKING SERIOUS angel showed up Father, he looks like an angel who never had time for leisure. He honestly looked so pale and stressed out, I felt compelled to help him out. When I asked him: “Have you ever heard of a suntan?” The poor angel had no idea of what I was referring to. So, after a long day at the beach, while he tried to smile, his face cracked, he decided to blame me. So, now that you’ve heard some of my encounters, I heard of you being a just judge, tell me how I’ve wronged those angels?”
“Mmmm! I see. In this case, let me review these complaints, then I w.”
“God, you mean, you haven’t even read the complaints against me, and.”
NADEGE, DON’T SPEAK TO ME IN THIS TONE OF VOICE!”
“Oh boy! Am I in trouble with you now?”
“NADEGE, I AM NOT A BOY, I AM – A – MAN!!!”
(Thinking) “Oh boy! I don’t like how this conversation is turning out.”
But God answered me: “I SAID I AM NOT A BOY!”
“Father, you should not invade my private thought, you are God, so you know better than that. “I was just thinking it, I did not speak it out loud!” Besides, if You are a MAN, why are we praying to you for? You word said, “Trust no men.”
God looked at me, with a deep breath, some of my files blew away into space. Complete silence for a few seconds.
Suddenly, all the angels appeared around God’s throne. While they were each pointing their fingers at me saying:
“Oh yes, that’s Smart mouth!”
“Yes, that’s Bad Ass!”
“Heaven No! She’s here?”
“Oh! My Almighty! Terror in the mist!”
“Mmm! That’s trouble alright!”………………………………….
As I heard all my nicknames, the complaints they murmured. I knew I had to think fast. I thought, “now even My Heavenly Father had ground to damn me.” He was looking too serious for me!. Finally, a brilliant thought crossed my mind. That’s when I screamed:
“Father, I’m guilty as charged! So, I plead the blood of Jesus. Yes! I’m pleading the blood of Jesus!”
“JESUS, WHERE ARE YOU? HELP! HELP!”
Then, all the angels stepped back. It was total silence again. Just then, my Heavenly father gave me that look, with a smile. “You smart child!” Then His facial demeanor changed back when He said: “Nadege, you.” Then I felt a presence next to me. It was Jesus, wearing a gold crown. He reached and grabbed my hands, as He took my place, He pushed me behind him. Then, He answered on my behalf:
“Father, she is forgiven!”
I stood there with a smile from Heaven to Asia, as I witnessed all my red files transforming into white doves. The doves flew away, simultaneously I was being carried by an angel. When I turned to look, to my shock it was the delivery angel.
“Hell no! I mean – Heaven no! Not you again. Put me down! PUT-ME –DOWN I SAID!”
When she finally did, I stuck my tongue at her as she walked away. But, when she turned back, she gave me “I will get you back look,” my lips were sealed, so I could not even open my mouth.
Thank God, the Lord re-appeared and grabbed me since I was just floating around. While He carried me back to earth, He said:
“Already in trouble hen?”
He smiled then said: “I know. I see you still think the delivery angel dropped you in the wrong country? But, keep this in mind pertaining to this matter. “For frankly I tell you this, “Heaven and earth may pass away, but my words will last forever.” Sometimes, a tree may be late blossoming. But I guarantee you, when it finally blooms, it will be the most beautiful and profitable, of all the late bloomers.”
He smiled again – As He placed his hand over my mouth and healed me
After I thanked Him, that’s when I jumped from my bed and realized: ” It was all a freaking DREAM!”