short story – joke- humor-

CALIFORNIA YOU GOT SOME X-PLAININ’N TO DO!!!

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Ok. A couple months ago I thought I died and went to heaven, but I was wrong.  This whole week, while driving to work, my face felt like a burnt toast ready to be trashed. So when I realized I was in hell, I started screaming for  “HELP!”

“CALIFORNIA, YOU GOT SOME XPLAININ TO DO!!!

hell

Yes, I just relocated from Florida, “So why am I back in  hell?” I asked.

One of the rattlesnakes crawling on the ground answered back, “You fool, can’t you tell you’re work in  the desert,  and where you’re ssss’standing,  hell resides right below?”

“Are you Hellish kidding me?” I said to him.

But after he slapped his flaky chest he said: “Hey, you Island girl! Do I look like I have time to Kidd around? With  my tail constantly sprinkled with jalapeno peppers and grilled well done?”

“Wow!” I said. “No wonder it feels like 9,000 degrees Fahrenheit here.”

“You think this is hot; wait till you feel 11,000 degrees!”

“You can’t be serious? I better start calling on Father Abraham for help then!”

“Father Abraham? This is California, remember? You better call on Santa Monica or San Diego?”

Saint_Augustine_and_Saint_Monica

 

“Yes, but in the Bible, when the rich man was tormented in hades, he looked up to Abraham and asked him to, “Have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’

“Exactly. La-za-rus – Got it? Spanish name.”

Suddenly, a red-tailed hawk made his appearance. He had a restless stare on his face, as if we were disturbing his nap time.

“Oh yeah!” He said. “ Are you one of the rich spoiled brat from Fleau-rida?”

“No, ssss’she’s from the Islands.” The Rattle snake answered.

But the hawk replied, “No, she’s from Fleau-rida. If this was not the case, she would have melted here long time ago!”

“No stupid.” The rattke snake said. “The Islands can be like hell on earth, don’t you know that? They have both of hell combination; heat and poverty”

“OK that’s enough!” I yelled.

To my surprise, they both shut up. Well! At least for a few seconds. Till the hawk calmly walked toward me to say,  “Bet it’s not too late to call on San Diego for some help!”

“San Diego? But, the rattle snake over there told me to call on Santa.”

“Santa Clara?”

“No. Santa Monica.”

“Hell!” I heard from behind me. When I turned back, it was a Leopard frog.

“This is California, so as long as you place a “SAN” before any name, you’ll call on a Saint. Last I called on SAN Hagar, a well of water made its appearance right here in the desert.”

Great! So let me call on San Mahatma to warn my siblings not to join me in this heat.”

Then, a sagebrush answered from a distant, “Child, they have the Dalai Lama, let them listen to him. At least he’s still alive!”

“No fools!” The Leopard frog yelled. “This is California remember? So for God’s sake you need to call on “SAN BERNADINO!!!”

san bernadino

The sagebrush yelled back “God’s sake?”” It’s too late for that, don’t you think? She’s  from the Island!!!”

“Will you all SHUT UP! I’m burning here!” I yelled from the top of my lungs.

They all whispered back:

“And, she’s wondering why she’s in hell?”

 

 

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Heaven Quake – Part III

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Yes Lord, the delivery angel dropped me off in the wrong Country. In Haïti, the poorest country in the western Hemisphere. “It was an error on her part, wasn’t it?  Jesus

“I will take the fifth on this one!“

“Lord, may I remind you, this amendment pertains to human, and you are a spirit, it does not apply to you.”

“No dear – the Fifth amendment states “No person” not human. Besides, I’m also “The son of Men.” So I rest my case.”

““So if you take the Fifth, you are confirming the delivery angel was following your order. OMG! After all the hell I gave her.” “Yes, you did. Let’s review your conversation on the screen, perhaps it’s time you read it for yourself. Although, I can’t seem to figure out how a new soul managed to remember  so many striking words”

“No Lord, you are mistaken. I have an old soul.been told that quite often – my soul must have been recycled.”

“So, you were a trouble maker in your previous life then?”

“I must have been! You sent me back to earth, didn’t you?”

“I have to check another volume for this one – I just found your delivery conversation – look up – at the invisible screen.”

An unusual Soul# 05060261…………………………………………………..transition to earth

Baby Soul(B.S) screaming: “Hey giant – you shaking me too hard – I was just born, remember?”

Delivery Angel (D.A): “You wish – you old wizard!”

B.S.: “HEY FAT GIANT – don’t call me a wizard! – Where –R-you taking me anyway? I feel hot – Are you taking me to an Island? No – You–R-going the wrong direction. I heard France – Not Haïti!

D.A.: “In your dream! Here we go……..where is the place again?”

B.S.: “I said this is the wrong way! I don’t see no pregnant woman down there – There, I see one, but she’s holding a cup of ABORTION tea in her hand. Are you crazy? Help! Help! Cross her out – cross her out! Ok, drop me on the lap of the beautiful one with long hair. The one smiling, sitting next the old lady. She must be my Godmother.”

D.A.: ‘Yes the beautiful woman smiling is your Godmother. However, my order was to deliver you to the woman with the cup of tea. Who knows? Maybe the residue of alllll the tea she drunk to get rid of you, should be sufficient to wash some of the venom from your tongue!”

B.S.: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Take me back, take me back! OMG! She dropped me to her – she’s not smiling – not smiling! You giant angel, don’t you ever come back here again!!!

D.A.: “Oh sweet little baby, I’m just doing my job. To make it up to you, here this little note, I’ve written to you. I know you can’t read yet. But, hold on to it, till you can read. This is my birthday gift to you. Good Bye!”

D.A. Flew away – Hello – “Mission accomplish – The coast is clear… I mean heaven, not Haiti. LOL

Fade out – Fade out – End of delivery recording for Unusual baby: 05060261………………….. 

Transition back to heaven

The Lord sat quietly watching the blank white screen. Then He said: “Do you recall what was written on the paper the Delivery angel wrapped in your tiny hand?”

“Lord”  I answered. “I was born with a smart mouth, not with a genius brain ok. So I still could not read. It was only after my mom Got so tired of me screaming my heart out, she took me from my Godmother. As she was placing me in the crib, she saw the little paper folded in my right hand. When she gave it to my older brother to read, this is what it said:

“You thought you could get rid of me with your death tea? Here I am to make your life a living hell!”  “Then my mother placing both hands on her hip, looked straight at me laying in the crib, and said:

“Oh yeah! So you think you can make my life a living hell? We shall see honey.  WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!”

To be continued