I just gave away my last drop of blood. Yes, it was part of the pre-employment screening process for my new job.
And, as if that wasn’t enough for them, I had to deliver a loaf made from my skin as well.
That’s when I thought to myself, “I guess I should have saved some of my nails clipped from my last manicure too?”
Suddenly I heard, “Sure! And don’t forget a few string from your bushy hair as well.”
So I answered, “My hair too? Wow! “I should be compensated for?”
“For what?” She interrupted.
“For all that torture I’ve suffered so far. “You know? The pain from the pocking, skin slicing, and now my bald head?”
But she said. “That’s why we only hire senior citizens; because we figured they should be used to all that by now.”
Can you believe that ruthless “Faker nurse?” The nerve of her!
It’s a good thing I was smart enough to be as fake as she was.
Yes, sometimes you just have to learn how to be prepared for tragedy.
So for my blood, I gave her an ounce of rat blood.
Instead of my hair, she clipped a piece of my weave.
And, as for my nails, they were snatched from a senior citizen cat, who belong to my next door neighbor.
“Are you sure those are your nails?” She asked me.
“They are as old as I am.” I answered her smiling.
So, did I get the job?
“Of course, I did!”
I just relocated to Hollywood, remember? The City of make believe!!!
Wishing all the beautiful and worthy Mothers a “Wonderful Mother’s Day!”
For your unconditional love:
Child: “Mah, I’m ready for you to wipe my boody!”
Mother: “Hold on, I said I’m coming!”
Child: “But it smells Mah, hurry up, MAH!!!”
For all you’ve sacrificed:
Child: “Wow Mah, I love this dress; thank you. Where did you buy it from?”
Mother: “The thrift shop.”
Child: “THE THRIFT SHOP????”
For all the sleepless nights and awakening moments.
Mother: “Oh no! Nurse, I think you made a mistake.”
Nurse: “I’m afraid this is your baby Ms…”
Mother: “Are you kidding m? Does the hospital has a “Return To Sender”stamp?”
For all your heartfelt prayers:
Mother’s typical prayer:
“Lord please watch over my little angels, they are so perfect and I love them so much.”
Children: “Mahhhhhhh…. tell her to leave me ALONE!”
Mother’s revise prayer: “Lord please send your angels down to restrain me before I slap the crap out of my little demons!”
Mother’s furious prayer:
“Lord, if you give me one more girl like these ones, I swear I’ll search for Jacob’s ladder, and climb the trillion stairs to heaven, to dump her right back on your lap!!!”
Lastly, Mother’s thanksgiving prayers:
“Dear Lord, thank you for watching over my babies. And, thank you for the blessed gift of Motherhood!”
Now, a garden of flowers for you lovely Mothers.
We all get in a bad mood sometimes, don’t you agree? But why?
As for me, I’m thinking of a good answer to lie about, but I can’t seem to come up with one, so I guess I will have to be honest.
Dawn it! Sometimes I just don’t want to see anybody’s face.PERIOD. Yes, I simply don’t want to be bothered. That’s all! Of course, there are some days when the artistic side of me is dominating. And of course, I know my day will be spent either drawing, painting or writing. And the not even a fly better don’t come near me tehn. Or, I will smatch it into powder. Yes, any “Hi” or “How are you?” will annoy the hell out of me.
But some people just dont’ get it!
Shuut! “If I stay in my room, or I don’t take the time to call you, what makes you think I want to talk to you – Even worse; I want to converse with you?”
And, my children are not any better. Sometimes I think they just enjoy anoying me.
“Hi Mah!” ( “Mah” Is how my girls call me.) I don’t know if they think I’m a mule or something!
I usually just stare at them. Yes, total SILENCE (And I mean, I will totally ignore them.)
2nd time: “HI MAH!”
3rd time: “HI MAH!”
Me at last: WHAT?
By the way, that was just the appetizer. The main course usually goes this way.
Me: I give “The Look.”
“The look really stands for “Do I look like I want to talk to you right now?
“SO BUZZ OFF!!!”
But my children are as much of a brat as I am. So they will make sure the news go viral as they start charting immediately.
“Guess what? “Mom is in a crappy mood today!”
“Oh yeah! Let’s see!” One will say.
“Play Time!” The most annoying one will say.
A few minutes later, my phone start ringing.
1st Time………. I ignore it.
2nd Time…….. I ignore it.
3rd Time……… I finally answer:
“Hi Mah! Are you ok?
Me: Yes, bye, ok. leave me alone -drop dead!
Phone ringging again.
1st, 2nd, 3r time I finally answer:
The caller: “Hi Ms. Moise, You signed your name to volunteer at the youth activity center, so we were just calling to let you know that we received your background result today! Isn’t it great! So, how soon do you think you’ll be able to start?”
Me: “Are you kidding me? After the way I just answered you, you still trust ME to interact with the…?”
Caller: “Of course! Why wouldn’t I? In fact, I think you would be a perfect fit!” By the way, you were just having a tantrum, WEREN’T YOU? Or, is it just a bad day for you my dear?”
Me: “Actually yes, today is just a bad day, plus I just didn’t want to be bothered and my kids kept on calling me “Hi Mah! -Hi Mah! “I feel LIKE…rrrrr!”
Caller: Oh! Trust me, I understand where you’re coming from. “Well, just to give you a brief on our little angels here at the center, most of them who are sent here are ex-convicts, thieves, murderers, compulsive liars and drug addicts; I think we even have a couple who killed their siblings, their grandma, their rats and cow; so they should keep you busy, don’t you think?”
Me: Su-sure! – DIAL TONE.
Fifteen minutes later.
Door open: “Hi Mahhhh! How are you today?”
Me smiling: “Hi sweetie, I Love you!
After the last brat closes the door.
“Hihihi, WE GOT HER!
“We love you Mahhh!”
“Love you too! ” BRATTS!!! “In my next life I won’t have any CHILL-RAIN!!!”
You think life would feel content with me just waking up this morning? Of course Not! I don’t know why you are called life when you are squeezing the life out of me! You should be called ‘death, and not life!”
-“I’m freaking tired, of you freaking wrongly accusing me, whenever you are freaking having a bad day!”
“Wow! LIFE, You must be having a bad day too!”
“What do you think? Let’s exchange post for just an hour! I bet, you wouldn’t last one minute!”
“Oh please, you are “LIFE” for God’s sake, how bad could it be?“
“HOW BAD? Are you serious?”
“Jesus! You sound like you are having your menstruation…just like a woman!”
“This is an everyday thing for me Nadege. Remember, I’m LIFE. Blood has to pump out of me EVERY SINGLE DAY! And you people don’t make it any easier either. I’ve been called every name in the book, and I’m TI-RED of it!”
“So, are you confirming being a female? I’ve often wondered about that!”
“Thou! You think God would give this tremendous responsibility to a male? No dear. WE, the female, carry all the load, although the male are viewed as the strong one. Yes, we carry the babies, (male and female) breast- feed them, clean the house, cook dinner, and don’t’ forget both jobs, in the bedroom and the office. While most of the male – will wear a suit, a tie, carry a briefcase, have a meeting; then come home to say: “Hew – It’s been a long day honey!”
“You nailed it LIFE. That’s the damn LIFE we have here on earth!”
“YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? Why do you have to blame ME? You guys not only called me the “B” word when I’m not even allowed to flirt with a man. Furthermore, I get the blame for every single thing that goes wrong in your life. Do you know how often you guys say: “That’s LIFE! – LIFE is a B!” -I AM Fed UP!!!”
But, I thought you just claimed you were “LIFE? Why are you calling yourself “Fed UP?”
“No. I said, “I – Am-fed –up with you guys blaming me for everything wrong in YOUR LIFE!!!”
“Boy! You have it bad this month, hen? Is there a pill you can take for this anger you’re feeling – because my ears drums are about to burst from YOUR SCREAMING SO LOUD! Damn it! “Remember, I started with a bad day too – Gosh!”
“LISTEN to me you ungrateful species: “ I dropped by to tell you: “I’m “LIFE.” I am paired with tremendous possibilities. I keep company with Inspiration and imagination for you guys sake. I call opportunities to your door steps, and all you have to do is to cease the moment. Although, for my amusement, there are times when they come in disguise. Nevertheless, they are yours to explore. Laughter, humor, pleasant memories, good health, and even gratitude, are all under my jurisdiction. Talents and self-exploration, are my special treats to you. My aura is nothing but light. Yes, I’m covered with the stars during the night, and the sun pave the way for me in the morning, yet not even darkness can blur me from your sight. So why do you guys persist on blaming me – calling my name whenever you are plagued with a challenge from darkness kemp?”
“Hell – Low! Did someone called my name?”
To be continued.