I just gave away my last drop of blood. Yes, it was part of the pre-employment screening process for my new job.
And, as if that wasn’t enough for them, I had to deliver a loaf made from my skin as well.
That’s when I thought to myself, “I guess I should have saved some of my nails clipped from my last manicure too?”
Suddenly I heard, “Sure! And don’t forget a few string from your bushy hair as well.”
So I answered, “My hair too? Wow! “I should be compensated for?”
“For what?” She interrupted.
“For all that torture I’ve suffered so far. “You know? The pain from the pocking, skin slicing, and now my bald head?”
But she said. “That’s why we only hire senior citizens; because we figured they should be used to all that by now.”
Can you believe that ruthless “Faker nurse?” The nerve of her!
It’s a good thing I was smart enough to be as fake as she was.
Yes, sometimes you just have to learn how to be prepared for tragedy.
So for my blood, I gave her an ounce of rat blood.
Instead of my hair, she clipped a piece of my weave.
And, as for my nails, they were snatched from a senior citizen cat, who belong to my next door neighbor.
“Are you sure those are your nails?” She asked me.
“They are as old as I am.” I answered her smiling.
So, did I get the job?
“Of course, I did!”
I just relocated to Hollywood, remember? The City of make believe!!!
Wishing all the beautiful and worthy Mothers a “Wonderful Mother’s Day!”
For your unconditional love:
Child: “Mah, I’m ready for you to wipe my boody!”
Mother: “Hold on, I said I’m coming!”
Child: “But it smells Mah, hurry up, MAH!!!”
For all you’ve sacrificed:
Child: “Wow Mah, I love this dress; thank you. Where did you buy it from?”
Mother: “The thrift shop.”
Child: “THE THRIFT SHOP????”
For all the sleepless nights and awakening moments.
Mother: “Oh no! Nurse, I think you made a mistake.”
Nurse: “I’m afraid this is your baby Ms…”
Mother: “Are you kidding m? Does the hospital has a “Return To Sender”stamp?”
For all your heartfelt prayers:
Mother’s typical prayer:
“Lord please watch over my little angels, they are so perfect and I love them so much.”
Children: “Mahhhhhhh…. tell her to leave me ALONE!”
Mother’s revise prayer: “Lord please send your angels down to restrain me before I slap the crap out of my little demons!”
Mother’s furious prayer:
“Lord, if you give me one more girl like these ones, I swear I’ll search for Jacob’s ladder, and climb the trillion stairs to heaven, to dump her right back on your lap!!!”
Lastly, Mother’s thanksgiving prayers:
“Dear Lord, thank you for watching over my babies. And, thank you for the blessed gift of Motherhood!”
Now, a garden of flowers for you lovely Mothers.
Three young boys living in extreme poverty in Haïti. When asked “If you had a chance to go to school, what would be your major?
The first one answered: “ I would like to be a doctor, so I can contribute my skills to help the poor, while I live a comfortable life.”
The second one answered: “My seven siblings and I are living in one small room. I would like to be an engineer so I can build my mother a big house, and pay for my siblings’ education.”
The third one looked at both of them as if they were crazy. Then he answered: “I would like to be the first millionaire in hell!”
“What?” Why would you want to be a millionaire in HELL?
“Because in hell everyone is hot and constantly thirsty. I would open a water store there, so even Satan would become my friend.”