friction – Short stories- Interesting conversation

“Life Is A Box Of Chocolates…”

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chocolate jpg

It’s something about the truth  that people just can’t digest well. And, for the life of me, I still can’t understand why?

Yes, there are times when the truth does hurt like a shooting bullet. But, at least I’m not serving you a bologna sandwich layered with soaked iceberg lettuce, glazed with cheap mustard and room temperature mayo.

So, here is my dilemma.

I told you guys I was working right?

Well, if I haven’t, it’s probably because I’m still trying to classify my new job between these two categories:

  1. Either as the book of “JOB” found in the Bible. Or;
  2.  As  volunteer hours with the Dollar ($) sign compensation stamped on my check stub.

Although for the most part, I do enjoy my daily routine at work, but God still has to do some serious explaning to do.

Yes, I  do love the fact that I have a chance to interact with different characters. It’s like watching a different movie every hour, truly every day is unique. I also get my daily exercise walking back and forth from one unit to another. While all along I dance with humor and play my favorite culinary role as a make believe CHEF.

In fact, one of my clients can eat pork chop every second of the day. Frankly, I don’t know why I even bother to ask him “What do you want to eat today?”

And, while he rubs his knees, he will smile to say “Some Pork-CHOP!”

With his eyes shining like the sun in its full glory overshadow his whole face. I can’t help but laugh.

On the other hands, this morning after I took one of my patient blood pressure, and he noted the result was sky-high he said to me, “It’s too high don’t you think?”

To make him laugh, I answered  back, “You’ve been doing this longer than I have, so YOU should tell me!”

“But” He said hesitantly, “You- You are the nurse, aren’t you?”

“A NURSE!” I yelled. “Do I look like a nurse to you?”

“Well, I think you do.”

I said to him, “Remember when I told you this certificate was for survival purpose only, but my major was in the paralegal field?”

“Yes, but I thought you would change your mind by now.”

“Change my mind?” I made sure I place both of my hands upon my hip to portray my discontentment.

“You hurt my feeling.” He said.

I guess he was serious, because of his sad countenance. So you think this was the time when any sensitive normal human being would lie their way out of the situation. But, I guess it was unfortunate for him. Because the fact is, as you may all be aware by now, I’m pretty much an abnormal person.

My philosophy? Yes, the truth does hurt. But the truth when sprinkled with a little consideration and humor can be liberating as well. So I said to him,

“Come on! I’m a Moses by inheritance, so the law runs through my veins, and nature is my passion, so that’s why I’m an artist.  You remember Moses, he ruled over both the law and nature. so, don’t you want me to be happy?”

“Of course, I want.”

I purposely interrupted him before he could finish his sentence.

He quickly raised his head to stare at me with a shocking expression on his face. But, I acted as if I didn’t notice and kept on talking.

“Besides, if I keep this job I would be confine to roommate with the scorpions and the cactus in this desert, and even then I might still get an eviction notice from my landlord.”

“NADEGE!” He yelled. While laughing his heart out.

“Now who’s going to take care of us – make us laugh like you do?”

I answered, “Don’t worry, I intend to have even the Mayor of this City at your service. The elevator is now working isn’t it?”

He answered with a smile “Sure is – sure is!”

So you see! “Forest Gump Mamma said: “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

I answered, “I agree, but should that stop me from singing: “These are a few of my favorite things!!!”

stars

 

 

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THE CITY OF MAKE BELIEVE!

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working girls

I just gave away my last drop of blood. Yes, it was part of the pre-employment screening process for my new job.

And, as if that wasn’t enough for them, I had to deliver a loaf made from my skin as well.

That’s when I thought to myself, “I guess I should have saved some of my nails clipped from my last manicure too?”

Suddenly I heard, “Sure! And don’t forget a few string from your bushy hair as well.”

So I answered, “My hair too? Wow! “I should be compensated for?”

“For what?” She interrupted.

“For all that torture I’ve suffered so far. “You know? The pain from the pocking, skin slicing, and now my bald head?”

But she said. “That’s why we only hire senior citizens; because we figured they should be used to all that by now.”

sc

sc jokes

Can you believe that ruthless “Faker nurse?” The nerve of her!

It’s a good thing I was smart enough to be as fake as she was.

Yes, sometimes you just have to learn how to be prepared for tragedy.

So for my blood, I gave her an ounce of rat blood.

Instead of my hair, she clipped a piece of my weave.

And, as for my nails, they were snatched from a senior citizen cat, who belong to my next door neighbor.

“Are you sure those are your nails?” She asked me.

“They are as old as I am.” I answered her smiling.

So, did I get the job?

“Of course, I did!”

I just relocated to Hollywood, remember? The City of make believe!!!

unexpected

Trapped In My Fantasy World

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Today was so beautiful, I couldn’t stop singing. Yes, the hills were alive with the sound of music. But, not for long though.  Mother Nature and her children claimed that my voice was a high degree  hazard threatening their safety, so one of them triggered nature’s smoke alarm.

Yes, I suffered a third-degree sunburn all over my body. And, a snake almost bit my tongue off.

I was furious. “Are you guys for real?” I yelled. “Here I am singing my heart out to you guys and.”

“Are you guys for real?” I yelled. “Here I am singing my heart out to you guys and.”

But, before I could  finish my sentence, I heard.

“First off, “We are Ladies, not “Guys.”

So I answered, “And, you ladies have your monthly visitor or something?”

“NO! Its just that, only Maria is welcome upon these hills.” They answered back.

maria 2

So, later on, when I went back wearing Maria’s original dress. I even wore the same striped apron. And, since my hair was already shaved, I was looking just like a black version of Maria.

YES, IT WAS THE SAME DRESS!!!

In fact, the thrift shop owner where I actually purchased the dress from was originally from Austria. Seriously, she looked just like a typical Austrian woman. Yes, she was a dark skin African/American woman, with thick coarse hair, dressed like a Gipsy.

Well! What did you expect? For God’s sake, this is America.

And, for all of you doubters, that’s all I will say about that.

Gosh! Do I always have to explain myself?
Anyway, let me get back to my story: So when I went back to the hills. (Yes, I was singing and dancing, just like Maria.) Till shortly after, I heard,

“Hey, you jalapeno drum beat, this is California, not Florida!”

“How dare?” I thought to myself.

That’s before I answered then back “You dry sands; no wonder EARTHQUAKE is your middle name.”

“Exactly!” Another voice yelled. “And, with your chubby self stumping here, you’re certainly not doing us a favor either!”

“Gosh!” I screamed. “Here I’m dressed like Maria, dancing and singing my heart out, and you guys are still kicking me out of here.”

That’s when they all yelled back.

“Who told you to come audition here? THIS IS NOT HOLLYWOOD!!!”

hollywood

So I yelled back: “What were you all expecting me to do here? I’m from the Von Trapp family, so, of course I’m trapped here!”

Interesting Conversation – Phase I

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Sunrise

You think life would feel content with me just waking up this morning? Of course Not! I don’t know why you are called life when you are squeezing the life out of me! You should be called  ‘death, and not life!”

-“I’m freaking tired, of you freaking wrongly accusing me, whenever you are freaking having a bad day!”

“Wow! LIFE, You must be having a bad day too!”

“What do you think?  Let’s exchange post for just an hour! I bet, you wouldn’t last one minute!”

“Oh please, you are “LIFE” for God’s sake, how bad could it be?“

“HOW BAD? Are you serious?”

“Jesus! You sound like you are having your menstruation…just like a woman!”

“This is an everyday thing for me Nadege. Remember, I’m LIFE. Blood has to pump out of me EVERY SINGLE DAY! And you people don’t make it any easier either. I’ve been called every name in the book, and I’m TI-RED of it!”

“So,  are you confirming being a female? I’ve often wondered about that!”

“Thou! You think God would give this tremendous responsibility to a male? No dear. WE, the female, carry all the load, although the male are viewed as the strong one. Yes, we carry the babies, (male and female) breast- feed them, clean the house, cook dinner, and don’t’ forget both jobs, in the bedroom and the office.  While most of the male – will wear a suit, a tie, carry a briefcase, have a meeting; then come home to say: “Hew – It’s been a long day honey!”

“You nailed it LIFE.  That’s the damn LIFE we have here on earth!”

“YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? Why do you have to blame ME? You guys not only called me the “B” word when I’m not even allowed to flirt with a man. Furthermore, I get the blame for every single thing that goes wrong in your life. Do you know how often you guys say: “That’s LIFE! –  LIFE is a B!” -I AM Fed UP!!!”

But, I thought you just claimed you were “LIFE? Why are you calling yourself “Fed UP?”

“No. I said, “I – Am-fed –up with you guys blaming me for everything wrong in YOUR LIFE!!!”

“Boy! You have it bad this month, hen? Is there a pill you can take for this anger you’re feeling – because my ears drums are about to burst from YOUR SCREAMING SO LOUD! Damn it! “Remember, I started with a bad day too  – Gosh!”

stars

“LISTEN to me you ungrateful species:  “ I dropped by to tell you: “I’m “LIFE.” I am paired with tremendous possibilities. I keep company with Inspiration and imagination for you guys sake.  I call opportunities to your door steps, and all you have to do is to cease the moment. Although, for my amusement, there are times when they come in disguise. Nevertheless, they are yours to explore.   Laughter, humor, pleasant memories, good health, and even gratitude, are all under my jurisdiction. Talents and self-exploration, are my special treats to you. My aura is nothing but light. Yes, I’m covered with the stars during the night, and the sun pave the way for me in the morning, yet not even darkness can blur me from your sight. So why do you guys persist on blaming me – calling my name whenever you are plagued with a challenge from darkness kemp?”

“Hell – Low! Did someone called my name?”

To be continued.

HEANVEN QUAKE V

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The Lord listened carefully to my version of the story. After I was done, he shook his head in disbelief and said:  “I don’t see the need for you to dispute this case against you. The evidence is clear. You were being very disrespectful when you called her and “ugly old fool.”

“Lord, in my defense, I partially agree.”

“Partially?”

“Lord, didn’t you tell us to “speak the truth, and the truth shall set us free”? This is exactly what I did in her case. In fact, she was the one being deceptive when she appeared as an old ugly woman. I’ve been in heaven for three consecutive days, I’m yet to see an ugly angel. So apparently, the angel of beauty meant to trigger my sharp tongue, when she disguised herself. And if the court rules in her favor, the other angels may feel tempted to follow her malicious behavior.  And you’ve said it yourself, “heaven is a perfect place, there’s no room for error. “

“I must agree with you on this one Nadege. And I applaud you for your wise reasoning. Your job at the law firm paid off hen?”

“No, Lord. I have to give credit to the semester of law research for my paralegal studies.”

“But, my Father’s goodness!”

“What wrong Lord?”

“Your mouth Nadege, your smart mouth! It’s been your problem since your early childhood.”

“Lord, don’t get me started, ok.  You were not any better as a child. Do you recalled when your parents spent days looking for you; and when Mary finally found you inside the temple. How did you answer her? “Why did you seek Me? Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business?” And, that’s the least. You also have a temper,, which I certainly don’t have. For example, do you remember that day when you yelled to your foes outside the temple: “Is it not written, “My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations”? But you made it a den of robbers.”  So, you see Lord, sometimes the weight is left in our hands to set matters straight, even if our rebuke may end up offending others.“

“But Nadege, have you not heard “A wise man is slow to speak?”

“Lord, have you not heard: “A wise man is also slow to anger?”

lightning

Immediately, we were both transferred to a golden hallway, walking toward a breathtaking gigantic building. As we made our entrance inside the court house, all I could say was “WOW!” The architecture was so beautiful, I realized the courthouse here on earth was nothing, compared to the one in heaven.  Although, I was surprised when I saw the judges appeared in human forms. I was told they were actual judges in their past lives. They were chosen to fill the judicial realm in heaven, based on their level of excellence in their past job performance on earth. But, the bench where they sat were so high, they needed magnifying glasses to see me on the ground.  I, on the other hands, could not look straight at them. They were so bright, I had to request for a pair of sun glasses. But, within a few seconds, an errand angel was sent down to earth, to carry back my sun glasses, which I had left on the ground, next to Jacob’ s latter.  Out of curiosity, I asked one of the electric pole nearest to me: “Why should the angel had to travel all the way back to earth, to pick up my sunglasses, instead of just creating one?” As soon as he opened his mouth to speak, bolts of electricity, like lightning started flying inside the court house. So I took off running like a peregrine falcon. Not even the Lord was able to keep up with me.

“Come back here!” The Lord yelled.

“-That’s OK –KKKKKKK – I PLEAD IN-SA-NI-TY!!!”

While running and praying I could find Jacob’s latter, so I can rush back to earth. When I finally did, after one step down, there the angel of confrontation grabbed me from my back.

“Let me go, you con angel!” I screamed.

“No smart mouth. You must first show me a court release.”

“What court release – Are you crazy? Do you know what it’s like to stand in judgment before those light poles?”

“And, do you know what happens to those who plead insanity, while they are not?”  Immediately, he flew with me, and dropped me in front of the Lord. Thankfully, he was seating on His throne, not still in the courthouse.”

“Before you leave heaven,” He said. “ I wanted to reassure you set matters straight with all the angels you’ve offended. Wasn’t the purpose of your visit?”

“Lord, how many angels I have to face again?”

“Well! Since your insanity plea was not valid, you still have 19,000 plus to go.”

“WHAT?” I heard like a thunder.

“Lord, who was that?”

“Well, that – that was my – my Father!”

‘COME HERE NADEGE!”

“Oops, Oh boy! Am I in trouble!!!”

To be continued

Heaven Quake!

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“Hello! Hello! What are you doing climbing Jacob’s later? Only the angels can thread in  this area.” Stairway

“Not true. You have wings, you don’t need a later to climb up here; so  the later was created for us human – YOU angels are trespassing.”

“Hey! Don’t get smart with me ok. You have not been invited up here, so you’ll need my help to enter through this post.”

“Yes, I was. Why would I be climbing up here if I didn’t receive a special invitation?”

“Invitation from Whom?”

“From “HIM,” the one who sits on the right. – Where I come from we call Him “The Son of Men – The Lamb of God! The Saviour of”

“Oh, You mean “The Lord?”

” Yeah – Him!”

“Yes – He would be the one to welcome a trespasser – Many have arrived here in the past, all beat up, worn out, but His arms are always open to receiving them all. Just walk straight forward. You will see a Golden gate, hope the guards will let you in. But my advice to you, whatever you do, don’t mention your name ok?”

Don’t mention my nickname “Bad Ass” Or my real name “Nadège”?  – “Oh, my! Why is heaven sha- a- king? Oh God – Lord- Angels – HELP! HELP! I didn’t know – there -were hea-ven -quake in HEA-VENNNNNNN!!!”

“Didn’t they tell you not to mention your name up here?”

“Oh Lord! Thank you for rescuing me – How did you know I was in trouble?”

“In trouble? “Nadège, You are trouble!” Besides, when I felt my throne shaking and saw all the angels running to HIDE, I knew Satan couldn’t reach here –  therefore, had to be trouble in the mist.”

“Yes Lord, I have to admit – I’m an unusual case.”

Oh! That’s what you call it? Anyway, why are you here dear?”

“Lord, I just climbed Jacob’s later all the way to heaven, I’m exhausted.  It’s a long story, which will require a long time to explain all the details.

“I have eternity Nadege – remember?”

In that case Lord, let me take a nap first. I’m tired from climbing all those damn – I mean – those Holy stairs!”

-To Be Continued-

A Twist Of Faith – Humor

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I’m walking past a Caucasian assumable junky, pleading to an African American guy for his daily bread.

I had to intervene when he said:

“Hey man, you know the drill, things are rough for me bro!”

“Hold on a second!” I yelled at him. “You are not supposed to use those slings, they are copyrighted to the black people, and you are white.”

The black guy said “My thought exactly. I am profoundly astonished at his ability to imitate the sling expressions so well, which predominantly belong to the Afrocentric world.

I turned to the black guy and said: “Did you guys agreed to exchange path in your past lives? Because, on one hand, the white junky is speaking like a black man, while you on the other hand, sound like a white man.”

The black guy answered: “What a profound statement! But this is the way I speak. In fact, both of my parents were white, they claimed a black woman run away with their son.”

The white guy said: “My old lady was a black woman.  Regardless, this is a free country, and we’re now free to speak as we damn pleased.” We’re Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we are Free at last!”

“Hello!” I yelled back at him. “You were always free. You were never a slave, take a look at your skin, you – are – not –black!!!”

The white junky raised his hand, starred as his skin, then he said: Damn! You are right, I’m a white man!”

As I we walked away, he yelled:  “Hey – do you want to be my baby mamma?”