Blogging- short stories- humor
It’s something about the truth that people just can’t digest well. And, for the life of me, I still can’t understand why?
Yes, there are times when the truth does hurt like a shooting bullet. But, at least I’m not serving you a bologna sandwich layered with soaked iceberg lettuce, glazed with cheap mustard and room temperature mayo.
So, here is my dilemma.
I told you guys I was working right?
Well, if I haven’t, it’s probably because I’m still trying to classify my new job between these two categories:
- Either as the book of “JOB” found in the Bible. Or;
- As volunteer hours with the Dollar ($) sign compensation stamped on my check stub.
Although for the most part, I do enjoy my daily routine at work, but God still has to do some serious explaning to do.
Yes, I do love the fact that I have a chance to interact with different characters. It’s like watching a different movie every hour, truly every day is unique. I also get my daily exercise walking back and forth from one unit to another. While all along I dance with humor and play my favorite culinary role as a make believe CHEF.
In fact, one of my clients can eat pork chop every second of the day. Frankly, I don’t know why I even bother to ask him “What do you want to eat today?”
And, while he rubs his knees, he will smile to say “Some Pork-CHOP!”
With his eyes shining like the sun in its full glory overshadow his whole face. I can’t help but laugh.
On the other hands, this morning after I took one of my patient blood pressure, and he noted the result was sky-high he said to me, “It’s too high don’t you think?”
To make him laugh, I answered back, “You’ve been doing this longer than I have, so YOU should tell me!”
“But” He said hesitantly, “You- You are the nurse, aren’t you?”
“A NURSE!” I yelled. “Do I look like a nurse to you?”
“Well, I think you do.”
I said to him, “Remember when I told you this certificate was for survival purpose only, but my major was in the paralegal field?”
“Yes, but I thought you would change your mind by now.”
“Change my mind?” I made sure I place both of my hands upon my hip to portray my discontentment.
“You hurt my feeling.” He said.
I guess he was serious, because of his sad countenance. So you think this was the time when any sensitive normal human being would lie their way out of the situation. But, I guess it was unfortunate for him. Because the fact is, as you may all be aware by now, I’m pretty much an abnormal person.
My philosophy? Yes, the truth does hurt. But the truth when sprinkled with a little consideration and humor can be liberating as well. So I said to him,
“Come on! I’m a Moses by inheritance, so the law runs through my veins, and nature is my passion, so that’s why I’m an artist. You remember Moses, he ruled over both the law and nature. so, don’t you want me to be happy?”
“Of course, I want.”
I purposely interrupted him before he could finish his sentence.
He quickly raised his head to stare at me with a shocking expression on his face. But, I acted as if I didn’t notice and kept on talking.
“Besides, if I keep this job I would be confine to roommate with the scorpions and the cactus in this desert, and even then I might still get an eviction notice from my landlord.”
“NADEGE!” He yelled. While laughing his heart out.
“Now who’s going to take care of us – make us laugh like you do?”
I answered, “Don’t worry, I intend to have even the Mayor of this City at your service. The elevator is now working isn’t it?”
He answered with a smile “Sure is – sure is!”
So you see! “Forest Gump Mamma said: “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
I answered, “I agree, but should that stop me from singing: “These are a few of my favorite things!!!”
“Now Miss Ladesse you’re a one damn good soul- Swear to God – swear to God.” Said the old man. He was still sitting down on his lazy boy while holding his cane. With his righ hand, he was sipping his cup of coffee she had just prepared for him. The young nurse smiled before she answered him.
“Well thank you Mr. D, but you mean” I’m a good soul?”
“Swear to God Miss Ladesse. Swear to God. There’re no damn good soul left here on this earth!”
“Mr. D you mean only the good souls are left? ”
“No Miss Ladesse. NO. There are no damn good souls left. I swear to God-Swear to God.”
Well, shouldn’t we be rejoicing about that Mr. D?”
“Rejoycing? No damn good soul left here and I should be happy about that? What’s wrong with you Miss Ladesse?”
“Mr. D. Don’t you think the world should be a better place without the damned good souls.”
“NO IT WON’T! Sure ain’t! If the damn good souls are gone, only the damn bad souls are left here, what to rejoice about?”
“Mr. D, if they are good souls then, why are they damned? I’m not a damned good soul, I’m a good soul.”
“Well Miss Ladesse, I don’t know about you, but I’m one damn good soul, and I thought you were one too, but I guess I was wrong.”
“Mr. D I’m still a good soul.”
“And this is exactly what I’m trying to tell you here Miss Ladesse. “ You’re one damn good soul.”
“But, I thought you just said there were “no damned good soul left here Mr. D?”
“That’s not what I said Miss Ladesse. The old man yelled. You’re not hearing me right. “I said there are no damn good souls left here, but you and I are sure two damn good ones left here. Swear to God-swear to God.”
But Mr. D, if we are two good souls, why do you refer to us as ‘two damned souls?”
“That’s just the way it is Miss Ladesse. Swear to God, I swear to God! “But damn it, for a damn good soul, you sure are one damn stupid sould, if you can’t get what I-SAYIN!!!”
Wishing all the beautiful and worthy Mothers a “Wonderful Mother’s Day!”
For your unconditional love:
Child: “Mah, I’m ready for you to wipe my boody!”
Mother: “Hold on, I said I’m coming!”
Child: “But it smells Mah, hurry up, MAH!!!”
For all you’ve sacrificed:
Child: “Wow Mah, I love this dress; thank you. Where did you buy it from?”
Mother: “The thrift shop.”
Child: “THE THRIFT SHOP????”
For all the sleepless nights and awakening moments.
Mother: “Oh no! Nurse, I think you made a mistake.”
Nurse: “I’m afraid this is your baby Ms…”
Mother: “Are you kidding m? Does the hospital has a “Return To Sender”stamp?”
For all your heartfelt prayers:
Mother’s typical prayer:
“Lord please watch over my little angels, they are so perfect and I love them so much.”
Children: “Mahhhhhhh…. tell her to leave me ALONE!”
Mother’s revise prayer: “Lord please send your angels down to restrain me before I slap the crap out of my little demons!”
Mother’s furious prayer:
“Lord, if you give me one more girl like these ones, I swear I’ll search for Jacob’s ladder, and climb the trillion stairs to heaven, to dump her right back on your lap!!!”
Lastly, Mother’s thanksgiving prayers:
“Dear Lord, thank you for watching over my babies. And, thank you for the blessed gift of Motherhood!”
Now, a garden of flowers for you lovely Mothers.
We all get in a bad mood sometimes, don’t you agree? But why?
As for me, I’m thinking of a good answer to lie about, but I can’t seem to come up with one, so I guess I will have to be honest.
Dawn it! Sometimes I just don’t want to see anybody’s face.PERIOD. Yes, I simply don’t want to be bothered. That’s all! Of course, there are some days when the artistic side of me is dominating. And of course, I know my day will be spent either drawing, painting or writing. And the not even a fly better don’t come near me tehn. Or, I will smatch it into powder. Yes, any “Hi” or “How are you?” will annoy the hell out of me.
But some people just dont’ get it!
Shuut! “If I stay in my room, or I don’t take the time to call you, what makes you think I want to talk to you – Even worse; I want to converse with you?”
And, my children are not any better. Sometimes I think they just enjoy anoying me.
“Hi Mah!” ( “Mah” Is how my girls call me.) I don’t know if they think I’m a mule or something!
I usually just stare at them. Yes, total SILENCE (And I mean, I will totally ignore them.)
2nd time: “HI MAH!”
3rd time: “HI MAH!”
Me at last: WHAT?
By the way, that was just the appetizer. The main course usually goes this way.
Me: I give “The Look.”
“The look really stands for “Do I look like I want to talk to you right now?
“SO BUZZ OFF!!!”
But my children are as much of a brat as I am. So they will make sure the news go viral as they start charting immediately.
“Guess what? “Mom is in a crappy mood today!”
“Oh yeah! Let’s see!” One will say.
“Play Time!” The most annoying one will say.
A few minutes later, my phone start ringing.
1st Time………. I ignore it.
2nd Time…….. I ignore it.
3rd Time……… I finally answer:
“Hi Mah! Are you ok?
Me: Yes, bye, ok. leave me alone -drop dead!
Phone ringging again.
1st, 2nd, 3r time I finally answer:
The caller: “Hi Ms. Moise, You signed your name to volunteer at the youth activity center, so we were just calling to let you know that we received your background result today! Isn’t it great! So, how soon do you think you’ll be able to start?”
Me: “Are you kidding me? After the way I just answered you, you still trust ME to interact with the…?”
Caller: “Of course! Why wouldn’t I? In fact, I think you would be a perfect fit!” By the way, you were just having a tantrum, WEREN’T YOU? Or, is it just a bad day for you my dear?”
Me: “Actually yes, today is just a bad day, plus I just didn’t want to be bothered and my kids kept on calling me “Hi Mah! -Hi Mah! “I feel LIKE…rrrrr!”
Caller: Oh! Trust me, I understand where you’re coming from. “Well, just to give you a brief on our little angels here at the center, most of them who are sent here are ex-convicts, thieves, murderers, compulsive liars and drug addicts; I think we even have a couple who killed their siblings, their grandma, their rats and cow; so they should keep you busy, don’t you think?”
Me: Su-sure! – DIAL TONE.
Fifteen minutes later.
Door open: “Hi Mahhhh! How are you today?”
Me smiling: “Hi sweetie, I Love you!
After the last brat closes the door.
“Hihihi, WE GOT HER!
“We love you Mahhh!”
“Love you too! ” BRATTS!!! “In my next life I won’t have any CHILL-RAIN!!!”
Picture this: I was six years old, living in Haïti. That day, I had serious business to handle. My doll needed a new dress, and I was pissed that I didn’t have any more fabric left. So after I ripped off one of my new socks and started sewing, my mother showed up with a short, dark, heavy-set, masculine looking woman. I thought she was there to punish me since I had just riped off my sock.
“Nadège,” my mom said. “Come and greet auntie Satanise!”
To be honest, when I turned to look at the woman, my mind completely blocked out the “ise” part of her name. Considering what she really looked like, I thought my mom actually said, “Come and greet your aunt Satan.” So, instead of walking toward her, I hesitantly said:
“You mean to say my uncle Sa?”
But before I could finish my sentence, my mom gave me her common daring stare. I knew better than to finish my sentence. So, instead of walking toward them both, I slooowly started to walk backward, until they had disappeared from my sight. Then, I ran inside the house as fast as I could, to grab my shoes, stormed back out from the side door. Yes, I ran all the way to the Cathedral Church, which was located right across our house.
Somehow, my mother always lived next to a church. I don’t know if it was because in Haiti there were so many live demons, or perhaps she might have reasoned: “With a daughter such as mine, I must have access to a nearby church !” Whichever was the case, Church has always been where I spent my favorite spare time. I recalled being the first child who went for confession by the age of five. I also remember begging the priest to partake in the Eucharist, before I even knew what Catechism was all about. Seriously, if a dog barked the wrong way, I would run to church, to confess on its behalf. So I knew all the priests in that parish by name. Well, at least the name I called them. Because I could never remember their real names, I gave them my own name. Most of which described their physical appearance. They didn’t care, because they still loved me anyway.
So now, I would like to share some examples of my confession, and my daily conversation with the Priests.
“Bonjour Father big nose, I have a big confession today!”
“Yes Angel, who did what?”
“My mom said a bad word this morning. My brother came home late last night again, and I pi on my bed last night, so the maid will have to wash more clothes today because of me. So I ask forgiveness.”
The priest: “You are forgiven my child.”
And I continued, “But today, I also want to confess for mother Mary.”
“Yes. you see Father, I was looking at her statue, but she did not wink her eyes. So I think she’s dead.”
Meanwhile, if father Red Skin was passing by, I would scream: “Hi father red skin, how are you doing today?”
“Fine, fine, my child! Are you confessing again?”
“Yes father red skin. I’m confessing for “Mother Mary. I don’t want her to drop baby Jesus on the floor because I think she died.”
Father Big Nose answered: “No my Angel. Remember, this is just a statue, so she won’t’ wink back. Our real mother Mary is in heaven with our Lord – but you’ll learn all about that from Catechism.”
“But father Big Nose, my great, great, great, grandfather Moses said, we should never pray to a statue”
“And I agree with your great, great….. Grandfather!
“HI FATHER Lag –uad- a; “Hi Father HEAVY TONGUE!”
“Hi T’Angel. Here for your t’dream toot’day?”
“No. I’m confessing. “Oh My God! I forgot to tell you father Big Nose, “The reason I’m here, is because “Satan is in my house!”
“Satan is in your house?”
“Yes. She came home with my mother. She has big nose, big ears, and gigantic eyes. She’s black and short. But she’s missing her horns. My mom called her auntie, and she wanted me to kiss her.”
“Well! If your mom called her auntie, and she does not have horns, she’s probably not Satan!”
“Yes she is. My mom just told me: “Come and kiss your auntie Satan!”
Father Big-Nose pause for a moment. “Mm! You said she’s a she?”
“Yes Father. My mom made a mistake and called her “She” but I was about to say she’s a “He” and she gave me the daring look.”
“Angel, perhaps she’s just a friend of your.”
Father Big-Nose, Pleaease give me some holy water so I can sprinkle on her; I’m scared of her, and I don’t want her to sleep at my house!”
“YOU, scared little angel? I find that hard to believe! I will give you the holy water, but just sprinkle your house, not her. Most of all, do what your mother ask of YOU!”
“Ok, father Big -Nose. See you later!”
When I arrived home, both, my mother and Satan-ise were sitting on the patio. So I kept on praying she would not come near me. As soon as my mother walked toward the back door, I heard Satan–ise said:
Nadege, bring me the comb so I can comb your hair. You’re going to your grandmother’s.”
“In your dream!” I whispered. ” You are NOT touching my hair!” Afterward, I ran in the backyard and begged the maid to comb my hair.
“Nadege, come and bathe!” Satan–ise yelled.
“In your dream! You are not washing me with your hell water!” Then, I rushed toward the back and throw some water on myself.
“Nadege, come and get dress!”
“NO, YOU – are- not- dressing me – YOU SATAN!” I finally yelled.
Just about the same time, my mother happened to be walking inside the house and heard me. So she said, “Who are you talking to Nadege?”
“To Satan Mahhhhhh!” I answered back. “I don’t want her to touch ME!”
“Wo is Satan?” My mom replied.
“Her. And I don’t want her to touch ME!”
“Her! She has a big nose, big ears, large eyes; and she’s only missing her horns.” When I saw my Mother’s face transformed, and heading for the belt, I grabbed my tiny bottle of holy water, and rushed toward Satanise to flush the blessed water all over her dress, and her legs.” But, to my surprise, she was still standing in front of me. That’s when I yelled:
“You are a bigger Satan than I thought!”
And when Mother noticed I was about to run back to the church, she grabbed me by my hair. But, I was so busy screaming, “You Satan, out of here! You Satan out of here!” Then both, my mother and Satanise started laughing hysterically. And, thank God, although my Mom was holding the belt, she could not manage to stop laughing long enough to give me the whooping which I had truly deserved.
I was furious at them. By then, my face looked like a car in bad need of a major tune-up. I just could not understand why my Mother was laughing with Satan. And why would she invite her to our house? So, I stood up with both hands on my hip to say:
“Laugh all you want, but you will see when father Big Nose comes here. He’s going to call aaaaalll the angels, and you’re going straight TO HELL!
I did not get a whooping that day. But I was banned from going to church for two weeks. At least, “So my mother thought!!!
As for Satanise, thank goodness she displayed a great sense of humor. Although, I don’t recall ever seeing her again.
You finally woke up?
“Lord, if you knew what my mattress really felt like back home, you would encourage me to go back to sleep for two more days. Besides, these two days felt like a vacation – worry free sleep – since I didn’t have to wake up in the middle of the day, to figure out what to write on my next book.
“Nadege, you’ve never written a book, so…”
“Lord, don’t you think I KNOW that? You are the one who taught us to call “The things that are not, as though they were! “ Remember the concept of faith? The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” So I’m confirming I will write, not just one book, but ma -ny books.”
-Total silence in heaven for successive minutes.
“Lord, is it always day in heaven? Is it why the angels are constantly busy flying around?”
“Heaven is a place of glory – therefore darkness is not welcome.”
“But Lord, the angels’ wings kept on waking me up, disturbing my comfortable sleep – don’t you think you should do something about that?”
“You’re still human, aren’t you? May I remind you, I’m only making an exception “just for you” to spend a few days here. Meanwhile, the angels must continue to perform their duties.”
“Well Lord, if you are making an exception “just for me,” you might as well create a suite “just for me,” so I can really feel I’m in a heavenly vacation. ( Yes, my request was granted, see the picture far right)Although, I don’t really believe all those wings who swung by me , shaking my bed, and waking me up, were just by accident – they were too frequent. Do you think they were purposely trying to wake me up? For instance, do you hear how quiet the angels are now Lord?”
“Nadege – the only reason there is total silence in heaven now, is because all the angels are standing still – as they are trying to determine which direction we are heading, so they can RUN AWAY FROM YOU!”
“You see Lord? This is the very reason why I had to sneak my way up through Jacob’s later. I had to see you directly, so I can request permission to have a meeting with all the 19,710 angels who claimed I’ve offended them – therefore have been refusing to work with me.”
“Are you sure you calculated these numbers correctly my child?”
Believe me Lord, I may not be smart with numbers, but I certainly did my homework on this one. I’m 54 years old, and the last inspector you sent me, (Inspector Bad – Ass who transferred his nickname to me) claimed, “The reason for his investigation was because I had offended one angel per day, from the day I was born – So 54 times 365 days equal what?”
“But you forgot about the emergency angels I had to constantly send to rescue you, whenever your guardian angels quit on you – About your delivery angel? That one refused to make further delivery in your Country since the day she delivered you”
“Heck no Lord! I’m not about to apologize to her – after she dropped me off in the wrong Country.”
“She dropped you in the wrong Country?”
“Lord, you know it, and I know it: “I was NOT supposed to be a Haïtian! “With my refined taste, why would you send me to the poorest country in the western hemisphere?”
To be continued.