Ok. A couple months ago I thought I died and went to heaven, but I was wrong. This whole week, while driving to work, my face felt like a burnt toast ready to be trashed. So when I realized I was in hell, I started screaming for “HELP!”
“CALIFORNIA, YOU GOT SOME XPLAININ TO DO!!!
Yes, I just relocated from Florida, “So why am I back in hell?” I asked.
One of the rattlesnakes crawling on the ground answered back, “You fool, can’t you tell you’re work in the desert, and where you’re ssss’standing, hell resides right below?”
“Are you Hellish kidding me?” I said to him.
But after he slapped his flaky chest he said: “Hey, you Island girl! Do I look like I have time to Kidd around? With my tail constantly sprinkled with jalapeno peppers and grilled well done?”
“Wow!” I said. “No wonder it feels like 9,000 degrees Fahrenheit here.”
“You think this is hot; wait till you feel 11,000 degrees!”
“You can’t be serious? I better start calling on Father Abraham for help then!”
“Father Abraham? This is California, remember? You better call on Santa Monica or San Diego?”
“Yes, but in the Bible, when the rich man was tormented in hades, he looked up to Abraham and asked him to, “Have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’
“Exactly. La-za-rus – Got it? Spanish name.”
Suddenly, a red-tailed hawk made his appearance. He had a restless stare on his face, as if we were disturbing his nap time.
“Oh yeah!” He said. “ Are you one of the rich spoiled brat from Fleau-rida?”
“No, ssss’she’s from the Islands.” The Rattle snake answered.
But the hawk replied, “No, she’s from Fleau-rida. If this was not the case, she would have melted here long time ago!”
“No stupid.” The rattke snake said. “The Islands can be like hell on earth, don’t you know that? They have both of hell combination; heat and poverty”
“OK that’s enough!” I yelled.
To my surprise, they both shut up. Well! At least for a few seconds. Till the hawk calmly walked toward me to say, “Bet it’s not too late to call on San Diego for some help!”
“San Diego? But, the rattle snake over there told me to call on Santa.”
“No. Santa Monica.”
“Hell!” I heard from behind me. When I turned back, it was a Leopard frog.
“This is California, so as long as you place a “SAN” before any name, you’ll call on a Saint. Last I called on SAN Hagar, a well of water made its appearance right here in the desert.”
Great! So let me call on San Mahatma to warn my siblings not to join me in this heat.”
Then, a sagebrush answered from a distant, “Child, they have the Dalai Lama, let them listen to him. At least he’s still alive!”
“No fools!” The Leopard frog yelled. “This is California remember? So for God’s sake you need to call on “SAN BERNADINO!!!”
The sagebrush yelled back “God’s sake?”” It’s too late for that, don’t you think? She’s from the Island!!!”
“Will you all SHUT UP! I’m burning here!” I yelled from the top of my lungs.
They all whispered back:
“And, she’s wondering why she’s in hell?”