Month: May 2016

Happy Mother’s Day! Bonne Fête Des Mères!

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Wishing all the beautiful and worthy Mothers a “Wonderful Mother’s Day!”

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For your  unconditional love:

 Child: “Mah, I’m ready for you to wipe my boody!”

Mother: “Hold on, I said I’m coming!”

Child: “But it smells Mah, hurry up, MAH!!!”

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For all you’ve sacrificed:

Child: “Wow Mah, I love this dress; thank you.  Where did you buy it from?”

Mother: “The thrift shop.”

Child: “THE THRIFT SHOP????”

For all the sleepless nights and awakening moments.

Mother: “Oh no! Nurse, I think you made a mistake.”

Nurse: “I’m afraid this is your baby Ms…”

Mother: “Are you kidding m? Does the hospital has a “Return To Sender”stamp?”

For all your heartfelt prayers:

Mother’s typical prayer:

“Lord please watch over my little angels, they are so perfect and I love them so much.”

Children: “Mahhhhhhh…. tell her to leave me ALONE!”

Mother’s revise prayer: “Lord please send your angels down to restrain me before I slap the crap out of my little demons!”

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Mother’s furious prayer:

“Lord, if you give me one more girl like these ones, I swear I’ll search for Jacob’s ladder, and climb the trillion stairs to heaven, to dump her right back on your lap!!!”

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Lastly, Mother’s  thanksgiving prayers:

“Dear Lord, thank you for watching over my babies. And, thank you for the blessed gift of Motherhood!”

Amen!

Now, a garden of flowers for you lovely Mothers.

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FIRST DATE

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When Deewon and Likewasette met three days ago, it was lust at first sight.

“Where have you been all my life beautiful?” The handsome dark skin hunk whispered to her.

Of course, the Latino beauty couldn’t stop blushing. So, as she stood in front of Deewon with her Coca-Cola shape, she threw back her head, and while she slides her long manicured nails through her dark curly hair, her hair tumbled over her right shoulder.  Then she gave him a flirtatious wink before she walked away.

Deewon eyes were glued to her butt cheeks, which, by the way, were dancing to the rhythm of the drums.

“No gorgeous. Won’t let my future queen walk away from me.” As he grabbed her hand, he said to her, “Please  tell me you’re available.”

The Porto Rican beauty was blushing again. Soon, their bodies were so kneaded together,  leaving the impression they were both dancing to the sound of the“Love Boat” song while celebrating their first wedding anniversary in paradise.

But, just when he was about to kiss her, she whispered back, “The question is  “Are D’YOU aval-label hand-sum HONK?” Meaning: (The question is, are you available handsome hunk?”

Three days later it was their first date, and they both were dressed to lust. He took her to a nice restaurant near the beach.

“Her heavy accent drove him crazy.” He said. And, he couldn’t stop reminding her of how sexy she looked that night.

“D’jo looking lika honk is what driving me clazy bout d’jo.” Meaning : ( You’re looking like a honk is what’s drives me crazy about you.)

 

Half an hour later they realized they were being served enough meal to serve the whole City.

“Would you rather have a larger table for your extra guests?” One of the waitresses asked them.

The couple with a puzzled expression answered, “Guests? But we’re only two.”

“Not anymore!” Yelled a loud mouth two hundred fifty pounds fair skin woman. As she slowly walked toward the table, she was dragging three overweight toddler boys with her.

“Are you surprise honey?” She said while she placed the youngest boy on Deewon lap.

Deewon was speechless.

“Yap!” Eleven years ago I thought he was “The One” instead of “Deewon” too!” Hilarious, don’t you think?”

Latino girl  was shocked, so she yelled.   “And dyou told me you were aval-label?” (Meaning: And you told me you were available?)

Dewon whispered back, “I’m baby. I’m not married to Loudwanda – she just my baby Mamma.”

After Loudwanda had snatched the bottle of wine from the table, she gurgled it down like a newborn baby, sucking her mother’s breast for the first time.

Then, while she  brushed her long nails through her reddish long weave, she answered:

“Yes, I’m just the baby Mamma who happen to sleep next to him every night.”

After she signaled one of the waitresses with her hand, she said, “Where are your manners, pretty boy? Can’t you tell there are more guests arriving? We need more chairs for the table.”

She grabbed the second bottle of wine.

“Oh! by the way, you might as well bring three more chairs because Miss Latino here will have her baby Papa and her two children joining us soon.”

‘WHAT?” Deewon yelled. “And you told me you were available?”

Likewasette answered back “But Chico, I am ava-label – M’not marrweed! (Meaning: Yes chico, I’m available, I’m not married.)

“ Her name is Likewise isn’t it? So why are you surprise?” Said a male voice behind them.

After Loudwanda tapped Deewon’s shoulder, she said, “Welcome to my world honey!”