Month: November 2015
Traveling back to hell today. So keep me in your prayers. Oh! Did I just said” hell?”No. I meant to write Florida.
Guest what? I’m freezing a large container full of snow to carry to Florida with me. You know, one must not be too selfis!. Since I know for a fact, there are many folks, who’ve never seen snow before,, in particular, those living in FL, They have a better chance to witness a volcano erruption, then to witness an actual snowfall.
Just in case you are wondering what I intend to do with the snow? Well, I will keep it frozen in a clear jar, so I can charge $5.00 per view. I’ve already planned my marketing strategy. Trust me. I have the whole little Haiti town, waiting for my arrival.
So, don’t be surprise if you see me on the news by tomorrow morning.
No. I can’t share my secret with you!!!You nosy folks!
So we had planned to go to Beaver Creek this morning. Although I didn’t know what the hell we were going there anyway, but my nephew”s plead finally convicted me to join the team.
“You are not coming with us Tatie?” He asked. Of course, I Am my love.”
Besides, is there anything I wouldn’t do for him?
This has been the case since he was a young boy. He knew he had special favor with me . My girlfriend had two boys. While the older one was my special cake, on the other hands, the younger one was my “icing” on the cake. He always occupied a special spot in my heart. For the simplex fact, he mastered thre art of humor. And, till this day, he has not changed.
So we finally arrived to Beaver Creek, it was deadly gorgeous there. A beautiful woman, in her mid forties welcomed us. Then as she smiled, she said, “Oh dear, be very careful with those boots ok.”
“Why?” I answered puzzled.
“Because they are not suitable for skii”
“For what?” I’m not here to skiiing,.I’m black, can’t you tell?”
After she laughed her heart out, she said: “I hate to be the carrier of bad news, but if you intend to climb those hills, you will have to skii one way or another.”
It only took me a few minutes to discover just. how wise the woman was. When the snow which covered my knee high boot, caused my fall. My body print was engraved on the ground, an helicopter could easily spot it miles away Afterwards, as if Mother Nature was craving for a good laugh, my butt was involuntarily sliding down the hill, as if we had a binding agreement. The ground that embraced my rolled up body, which was curved like a ball, while being carried by an invisible escalator. without my consent.
THANK GOD, my friends where too busy with their own struggle, so they completely missed out on my tragedy when they failed to see me skiing the Haitian style.
I left there with one thought in mind. “God definitely DID NOT creates skiiing for black folks.
To confirm my theory, while I was situ glued on the snow filled hills, I tried to recalled if I would ever seen us colored folks skiing, portrayed. in any movies, which I had seen. Or, perhaps I have heard any reference of such during our conversion in the past.. Like” We plan to go skiing this weekend, would you care to join us?” But, NOTHING came to mind. Nevereever ever!!!
So I rest my case.
So now I see why most of our colored folks choose to play soccer, basketball. ..
“Why?” One may wonder. Because we don’t like to waste our money on broken bones. So, instead of the ground slamming us, it would. be the other way around. Besides, we are smart enough to conclude the following fact. “During our whole history, we’ve always been a magnet to trouble, so why the hell should we go pay for some more?”
Additionalily, according to my equation I can prove my theory:
Take a look below:
Snow – White…(White Folks)
Ground/Earth. ..(Colored Folks)
So You SEE!
At last, when were finally leaving, the shuttle driver asked me,”How did you enjoy skiiing?
I answered, “I personally did not. However, my butt certainly enjoyed it. So much so, I just placed a ransom note in your lobby for a missing butt.”
It’s unfortunate I could not upload the snow filled pictures I just took outside. Being from the Island those tiny bright white flakes dripping from the sky, are by far the most amazing sight
I stood outside inhaling the cold breeze, before I ealized I was oblivious to tithe fact that both of my legs were. exchanging conversation with iThe four inches of snow which had fallen earlier. I had ran outside not realizing, I was only wearing a pair of sax.
“So what!” I thought to myself. “On this glorious day, does it really matter if my lungs decided to intertwine with Mr, ice? Better yet, this is my chance to act crazy, so I started dancing in the snow, like a child, who was invited to a surprise party at Disney World.
So, while I wriggle -wriggle my body, doing the twist, all along I imagined I was listening to the soundtrack from Ferris Builler’s day off. A few seconds down my fantasy world, that’s when I noticed a couple starring at me. You should see the look on their faces.
OMG! I never knew I could win first class during a snowfall day racetrack!!!
“Hey!”I wanted to yell: “What did you expect from an Islander; whom, back home. is a custom to only see snow on TV or the freezer. When you folks have enough snow to auction worldwide . So give me a break Will you !”
It’s hilarious how relax we may feel whenever we take a leap to our comfort zone. It’s about 1:00 AM. here in this freezing State, and I just woke. My employers, whom by the way I consider to be my best friends are sleeping. I’ve known the wife since my pre-teen years in Haiti, her husband is the kindness being on the planet. So imagine this: I was supposed to be the hired chef for the week, simply because they love my cooking. But unfortunately for them, during the past week I was so busy catering, while caring for my father, and babysit my young nephew, that at one point I completely forgot my gender. Seriously, one night while in the bathroom, I started lot unzip my Jean, to pick like a man. When I turned around to look in the mirror, noticed my shaved hair, I reasoned, “but, I’m. a man, what happened to it?”
Yes. That was quite a fright. Of course I finally woke, realized I was just dreaming dreaming! But, this time, unfortunately for my friends, I was not dreaming. The fact is, since we arrived, I only managed to cook one single meal. In fact yeyesterday, I spent the whole day in bed. Well, I had already told her, breakfast was out of the question.
“Gade ou koze !” She answered me. Which means in Creole” What story is that?”
So I answered her, “Since when do you ever see me making breakfast, I don’t even eat breakfast. ”
“Oh Oh!”She answered back. While she was probably thinking to herself” What kind of chef is that? ”
So yesterday, they made their own breakfast. I was sleeping, of course.
Around three. I text her from my bedroom” We have enough leftover for dinner tonight, you think?” A few seconds later she was in my room, “Gade ou KA? While in the living room rested. I heard my phone beeping from the bathroom, to find out. It WAS YOU TEXTING ME!!! Oh Oh!!! We both burst into laughter. Then I answered her, I Am on vavacation, remember,
“No need to remind ME!” She answered.
So I slept the whole day. I think they ate the leftover. Now. I’m ready to work. The boys, who call me Tatie”are arriving today. with some friends, and their own family. I have two turkeys to season and cook Haitian style. Looking forward to the laughter and the finger leaking. But darn it! I have to WAIT till they wake up. And it’s now only TWO A.M!!!
Why do people who are on vacation and who hired a friend chef have to sleep so much? Do you think perhaps it’s because they still have to cook their own breakfast?
Something to think about, before you hire an exhausted friend CHEF!!!
I’m taking a few days off. Going on vacation.
Well, let me rephrase that. I’m making myself believe I’m going on a vacation, but knowing my friends, I will probably be glued in the kitchen cooking everyday. But, the great thing is, I’m looking forward to give the snow there, a night mare. Although my interaction with it may only be with my noes and eyes. The fact is, we really are not the best of friends. Last I heard, the snow was allergic to me, and I won’t beg to differ on my part.
Let me show you what I mean: For a few days trip in the cold weather, I have managed to borrow three wool coats, five shawl, three wool hats, innumerable leg warmers from my sister, daughter…
I personally brought a pair of boots, sweaters, sewed myself some wool panties, gloves and sax. Now, the downfall is, I realized shaving my hair was a bad mistake for the cold weather. So, I had to buy myself two wigs and sewed them together. YES I INTEND TO WEAR THEM TOGETHER, do you have a problem with that? Gosh!
Where was I, before I was so rudely interrupted? Yes, since I”ve always wanted to have long hair, bleached “RED or BLONDE,” yes, you’ve guessed right. They are red and blonde. You have a problem with that too? My goodness! Some people are so judgmental. LOL I just can’t wait to see my girlfriend’s face.
So you see. I will be too busy trying to pose as a crazy reddish blonde woman so I won’t have to cook everyday, for me to find the time to write.
Ok. So I’m just kidding. But, What I’m serious about is I really won’t have the time to write. I plan to pray in my spare time. That’s unless I have a vivid dream about God and the angels. I will have to write about that. Particularly if God decides to offer me a sit on His left side, since Jesus already occupies His right side. I’m not picky. But, I sure wouldn’t take an eternal offer to sit on his footstool. Hell! This is the earth. Who want to remain here forever?
And yes, I will be back in a few days. Hopefully, by the time I leave, the snow and I will probably learn to digest each other. Of course, let’s hope it will not be under some dire circumstances, when neither one of us wouldn’t have a choice in the matter. You know what I mean! When one’s body is shipped in a frozen box!
But, rest assure, upon my return, ALIVE, I will have some exciting stories for you guys. But, meanwhile I’m leaving you with this cute little story below to read. Enjoy, and will ready you all in a few.
I just emptied my storage, and have boxes piled up so high, even my curious young nephew couldn’t find me in their midst.
“Tatie, look at this!” “Tatie, Tatie, where are you Tatie?”
“I”m here, in between the boxes.” I answered him like a little child.
After he climbed on the tallest box he said “Where are you Tatie, I’m tanding on top of the boxes, and I till can’t tee you.”
“Oh! That’s because you are not wearing your glasses dear.”
“Glasses – What’s that Tatie?” He said as he laughed with his shining smile.
“Well, honey, you are only three now. So, give yourself half of a century, then for sure, you won’t have a choice but to carry a few in in your pocket, ok.”
“Ok-té Tatie. But where are you? Are you intide the boxes Tatie.”
“No. I’m in between the boxes, they are just too high for you to…”
As he laughed, he said, “You are too tmall Tatie, because I ture tan’t tsee you.”
“Or, maybe it’s the other way around honey.”
“I said, “Maybe it’s because YOU are too small.”
WHAT? ME. TOO TMALL? NO. I’m not too tmall Tatie. I’m a BIG BIG BOY!!!”