Month: June 2015
After the Lord and I watched my encounter with the delivery angel, I could tell, He was not pleased. So I thought, at last, someone understood the atrocity I suffered from my mother, because of that cruel note thet angel left folded in my tiny little hands.
“Today, we will address two of your complaints before the judicial panel. We’ve reviewed one already, so now, let’s go over the incident with the beauty angel. How old were you then?”
While I made myself comfortable on the beautiful Louis Second golden chair, which was included in my suite, I answered him:
“It happened about a year prior to my mother’s departure to New York so I was probably five years old. “
“Why did you called the Angel of beauty and grace “Ugly old fool then?”
“Lord, when she first appeared, she did not look beautiful and graceful. Let me tell you what really happened.”
“My mom had the habit of dressing me up first before we go anywhere. Then she would tell me to” sit down, and “don’t move, till I’m ready.” Are you kidding me? I always had a short attention spend because I would change school so often that I could no longer keep up with their names. Also, before I could blink my eyes, I was already in a new house, with new faces. Honestly Lord, I had so many mothers, and aunties by the age of six, that I had run out of numbers to keep count with them. So of course, when she told me to “sit still,”the moment she walked away, I got up. Since I was into colors, and makeup I went straight to her bedroom. What did I see there? A red bottle of nail polish on her dresser. And, the instant I grabbed it, there Iappeared an old and ugly woman who said:
“I would not touch that, if I were you!”
My answer:: “Of course you would not, because you are an ugly old fool! With the way you look, you should be wearing not only nail polish, but all the makeup, as quickly as you can touch them!”
As she transformed into a beautiful graceful angel, she said: “Oh! Is that so? Now, let’s see who’s going to be a fool and ugly, after her mother gives her the whooping of her life, for ruining her new, and beautiful yellow dress, with the red nail polish she just dropped on her dress!”
“Of course I was speechless. And while I continued to stare at her, the open bottle of RED polish was spilling all over my dress.”
Meanwhile, my mother was back from the bathroom, and standing by the door, when she said “What are you doing here?”
But, I honestly did not hear her. I was too busy screaming at the angel “Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa! You see what you made me do? You UGLY lady!” You know the end of the story. My mom thought I was talking to her. Then, I wish I could plead double jeopardy, but it was not possible. Since she had yet to punish me for moving around.
As you probably know, the Haïtian parents sing the title of the whooping, while they whoop your butt; and every word count for one belt. So the song tittle was: “Disobedient” and it went something like that:
“Now- look- what-you-did- to –the-new-dress?
The Refrain:” I – told- you- not – to – move!
I – told- you-not-to-move!”
Désobéissante –que – vous-êtes!”(Meaning: “You are disobedient”)”
Other children would normally know better, and don’t answer back while they get a whooping. But, as you may figure by now, I was unusual. So my answer was:
Plus-Am-a-future-artist, I HAD TO PAINT!
I was not talking to you, but to the Old ugly Angel,
Who turned BEAUTIFUL!
So my mother ‘s reponse with the belt:
“I -will -each –you- to- stop- talking –
To- ugly angel- who turned- BEAUTIFUL!”
To be continued.
“I will take the fifth on this one!“
“Lord, may I remind you, this amendment pertains to human, and you are a spirit, it does not apply to you.”
“No dear – the Fifth amendment states “No person” not human. Besides, I’m also “The son of Men.” So I rest my case.”
““So if you take the Fifth, you are confirming the delivery angel was following your order. OMG! After all the hell I gave her.” “Yes, you did. Let’s review your conversation on the screen, perhaps it’s time you read it for yourself. Although, I can’t seem to figure out how a new soul managed to remember so many striking words”
“No Lord, you are mistaken. I have an old soul.been told that quite often – my soul must have been recycled.”
“So, you were a trouble maker in your previous life then?”
“I must have been! You sent me back to earth, didn’t you?”
“I have to check another volume for this one – I just found your delivery conversation – look up – at the invisible screen.”
An unusual Soul# 05060261…………………………………………………..transition to earth
Baby Soul(B.S) screaming: “Hey giant – you shaking me too hard – I was just born, remember?”
Delivery Angel (D.A): “You wish – you old wizard!”
B.S.: “HEY FAT GIANT – don’t call me a wizard! – Where –R-you taking me anyway? I feel hot – Are you taking me to an Island? No – You–R-going the wrong direction. I heard France – Not Haïti!
D.A.: “In your dream! Here we go……..where is the place again?”
B.S.: “I said this is the wrong way! I don’t see no pregnant woman down there – There, I see one, but she’s holding a cup of ABORTION tea in her hand. Are you crazy? Help! Help! Cross her out – cross her out! Ok, drop me on the lap of the beautiful one with long hair. The one smiling, sitting next the old lady. She must be my Godmother.”
D.A.: ‘Yes the beautiful woman smiling is your Godmother. However, my order was to deliver you to the woman with the cup of tea. Who knows? Maybe the residue of alllll the tea she drunk to get rid of you, should be sufficient to wash some of the venom from your tongue!”
B.S.: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Take me back, take me back! OMG! She dropped me to her – she’s not smiling – not smiling! You giant angel, don’t you ever come back here again!!!
D.A.: “Oh sweet little baby, I’m just doing my job. To make it up to you, here this little note, I’ve written to you. I know you can’t read yet. But, hold on to it, till you can read. This is my birthday gift to you. Good Bye!”
D.A. Flew away – Hello – “Mission accomplish – The coast is clear… I mean heaven, not Haiti. LOL
”Fade out – Fade out – End of delivery recording for Unusual baby: 05060261…………………..
Transition back to heaven
The Lord sat quietly watching the blank white screen. Then He said: “Do you recall what was written on the paper the Delivery angel wrapped in your tiny hand?”
“Lord” I answered. “I was born with a smart mouth, not with a genius brain ok. So I still could not read. It was only after my mom Got so tired of me screaming my heart out, she took me from my Godmother. As she was placing me in the crib, she saw the little paper folded in my right hand. When she gave it to my older brother to read, this is what it said:
“You thought you could get rid of me with your death tea? Here I am to make your life a living hell!” “Then my mother placing both hands on her hip, looked straight at me laying in the crib, and said:
“Oh yeah! So you think you can make my life a living hell? We shall see honey. WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!”
To be continued
You finally woke up?
“Lord, if you knew what my mattress really felt like back home, you would encourage me to go back to sleep for two more days. Besides, these two days felt like a vacation – worry free sleep – since I didn’t have to wake up in the middle of the day, to figure out what to write on my next book.
“Nadege, you’ve never written a book, so…”
“Lord, don’t you think I KNOW that? You are the one who taught us to call “The things that are not, as though they were! “ Remember the concept of faith? The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” So I’m confirming I will write, not just one book, but ma -ny books.”
-Total silence in heaven for successive minutes.
“Lord, is it always day in heaven? Is it why the angels are constantly busy flying around?”
“Heaven is a place of glory – therefore darkness is not welcome.”
“But Lord, the angels’ wings kept on waking me up, disturbing my comfortable sleep – don’t you think you should do something about that?”
“You’re still human, aren’t you? May I remind you, I’m only making an exception “just for you” to spend a few days here. Meanwhile, the angels must continue to perform their duties.”
“Well Lord, if you are making an exception “just for me,” you might as well create a suite “just for me,” so I can really feel I’m in a heavenly vacation. ( Yes, my request was granted, see the picture far right)Although, I don’t really believe all those wings who swung by me , shaking my bed, and waking me up, were just by accident – they were too frequent. Do you think they were purposely trying to wake me up? For instance, do you hear how quiet the angels are now Lord?”
“Nadege – the only reason there is total silence in heaven now, is because all the angels are standing still – as they are trying to determine which direction we are heading, so they can RUN AWAY FROM YOU!”
“You see Lord? This is the very reason why I had to sneak my way up through Jacob’s later. I had to see you directly, so I can request permission to have a meeting with all the 19,710 angels who claimed I’ve offended them – therefore have been refusing to work with me.”
“Are you sure you calculated these numbers correctly my child?”
Believe me Lord, I may not be smart with numbers, but I certainly did my homework on this one. I’m 54 years old, and the last inspector you sent me, (Inspector Bad – Ass who transferred his nickname to me) claimed, “The reason for his investigation was because I had offended one angel per day, from the day I was born – So 54 times 365 days equal what?”
“But you forgot about the emergency angels I had to constantly send to rescue you, whenever your guardian angels quit on you – About your delivery angel? That one refused to make further delivery in your Country since the day she delivered you”
“Heck no Lord! I’m not about to apologize to her – after she dropped me off in the wrong Country.”
“She dropped you in the wrong Country?”
“Lord, you know it, and I know it: “I was NOT supposed to be a Haïtian! “With my refined taste, why would you send me to the poorest country in the western hemisphere?”
To be continued.
“Not true. You have wings, you don’t need a later to climb up here; so the later was created for us human – YOU angels are trespassing.”
“Hey! Don’t get smart with me ok. You have not been invited up here, so you’ll need my help to enter through this post.”
“Yes, I was. Why would I be climbing up here if I didn’t receive a special invitation?”
“Invitation from Whom?”
“From “HIM,” the one who sits on the right. – Where I come from we call Him “The Son of Men – The Lamb of God! The Saviour of”
“Oh, You mean “The Lord?”
” Yeah – Him!”
“Yes – He would be the one to welcome a trespasser – Many have arrived here in the past, all beat up, worn out, but His arms are always open to receiving them all. Just walk straight forward. You will see a Golden gate, hope the guards will let you in. But my advice to you, whatever you do, don’t mention your name ok?”
Don’t mention my nickname “Bad Ass” Or my real name “Nadège”? – “Oh, my! Why is heaven sha- a- king? Oh God – Lord- Angels – HELP! HELP! I didn’t know – there -were hea-ven -quake in HEA-VENNNNNNN!!!”
“Didn’t they tell you not to mention your name up here?”
“Oh Lord! Thank you for rescuing me – How did you know I was in trouble?”
“In trouble? “Nadège, You are trouble!” Besides, when I felt my throne shaking and saw all the angels running to HIDE, I knew Satan couldn’t reach here – therefore, had to be trouble in the mist.”
“Yes Lord, I have to admit – I’m an unusual case.”
Oh! That’s what you call it? Anyway, why are you here dear?”
“Lord, I just climbed Jacob’s later all the way to heaven, I’m exhausted. It’s a long story, which will require a long time to explain all the details.”
“I have eternity Nadege – remember?”
In that case Lord, let me take a nap first. I’m tired from climbing all those damn – I mean – those Holy stairs!”
-To Be Continued-
I’m walking past a Caucasian assumable junky, pleading to an African American guy for his daily bread.
I had to intervene when he said:
“Hey man, you know the drill, things are rough for me bro!”
“Hold on a second!” I yelled at him. “You are not supposed to use those slings, they are copyrighted to the black people, and you are white.”
The black guy said “My thought exactly. I am profoundly astonished at his ability to imitate the sling expressions so well, which predominantly belong to the Afrocentric world.
I turned to the black guy and said: “Did you guys agreed to exchange path in your past lives? Because, on one hand, the white junky is speaking like a black man, while you on the other hand, sound like a white man.”
The black guy answered: “What a profound statement! But this is the way I speak. In fact, both of my parents were white, they claimed a black woman run away with their son.”
The white guy said: “My old lady was a black woman. Regardless, this is a free country, and we’re now free to speak as we damn pleased.” We’re Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we are Free at last!”
“Hello!” I yelled back at him. “You were always free. You were never a slave, take a look at your skin, you – are – not –black!!!”
The white junky raised his hand, starred as his skin, then he said: Damn! You are right, I’m a white man!”
As I we walked away, he yelled: “Hey – do you want to be my baby mamma?”