The Women Who Got Even – I called Her “SHE”

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“I called her “SHE”

At my uncle’s discretion who has a great sense of humor,  I went to Zubi’s market one Saturday morning with the hope to enjoy a few laughter. It was about nine nish when I arrived at the zubi’s market, and my shock started from the parking lot, when I heard everyone speaking very loud the Haitian Creole.  When I finally made it near the meat section, I had to squeeze, push and dove myself  through the crowd, just to obtain a number from the dispenser, near the glass counter. It was a delight to see I was number thirty four, while the last customer being called was seven, so I knew I would be there for a while. Apart from the Clerks who were Cuban, the whole store was crowded with my Country Haitian people. My uncle was unquestionably right; “creole” was all I needed. The majority of them were speaking LOUD, with the familiar unpolished creole language. Many of them were dressed with combination of colors which, “ I swear on my Grand-mama’s grave, whom I loved dearly” I would never even dreamed my people would have the audacity to wear.  Mixtures of orange and purple, lime green, and hot pink, white and red, you name it, they had it on. I think that’s when my “Fashion design” inspiration flew away. Hey! “rayi chien, di dan’l blanc” Which means in creole: “hate the dog, but at least admit his teeth are white.”  I said this to admit I loved how they tied their hair beautifully with colorful scarf, which made them all look beautiful. So, while I was there, I stayed focus by looking at them upward, and tried not to look down so I would not be hypnotized, with their definition of fashion. Oh! I forgot to mention about the gold they wore as well.  Between their large gold earrings, pure gold watches, bracelets, and rings with every kind of stones in existence, were enough gold to rebuild the whole temple of Jerusalem, and the streets of gold they mentioned in heaven. I stood there while observing their interactions, their face gesture and body languages, then smiled, while thinking to myself “this is the place to be!” The following was my second observation – You may read the first one entitle “THEY are my people.”

I CALLED HER “SHE.”

Just when I though it couldn’t get any worse than what I had just witnessed in my previous post, “SHE” stepped up. . I have no words to describe what she was wearing. So I will just say, I think it was a combination of the 70’s, like the “Mod” era, with a blend of the Travolta era, in the eighty’s. What stuck to my memory mostly, was the bright red satin blouse with the glitter accent, and the “orange” elephant legs pants. The jewelry was definitely from the movie “Grease.” And, the yellow shoes, was a first for me. She did have a “purple LARGE purse,” wearing a wig I think she must have borrowed from the lady from “The Jefferson’s TV show”

So, I would assume, with an outfit “like that,” if I were in her shoes, I would try to  make the least noise as possible, in order not to draw too much attention.  Unfortunately, I don’t know which part in Haiti she came from? But I can guarantee, it was not near the City at all. And, even if one were to reach her village, I have a strong feeling, it would be required for one to travel below ground level , deep, deep, deep down below. Just then I thought to myself: “Hollywood producers are missing out on the action here in Little Haïti.”

The clerk called her number, when “SHE” stepped forward. Right then, the bottom part of my  lips, fell on the floor, and even crazy glue was not be able to seal it back. I had that frozen look on my face; starring at her was not enough, so I kinda closed my eyes a few times, to make sure “I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing.” (Hey! that’s the best way I can say it!)  That’s when I heard when she said to the clerk:

 

“Me, don’t make my diole long today.” Meaning: (word for word:” Don’t make my lips long today.”)

So I guess the clerk understood exactly what she said, when he answered:

“Ok Mammy! Commo es ta?”  She did not even pay attention to his greeting, she pointed her finger to show him the hen she wanted as she said: “Gi me that big, big big one over there.” So he did.

 Then she said, “Gi me “One cou.” He answered “One what?” She screamed: “Yayayy! I told you don’t make my diole long today.”

 “But” he said, I don understand what dyu said.

(Keep in mind he was speaking with his heavy Spanish accent as well. So then I stepped up, and said, “She said she wants “one neck.”

He answered me:  “What she means by “ONE neck?”  So I turned toward her, and said in creole:

“Did you mean “you want a pound of chicken neck, or just one neck?”

Then, she looked at me for a moment, from head to toes. And I mean she examined me thoroughly before she answered me back in creole with the following:

“Have you ever seen a chicken with two necks? Answer me.” As she looks at me again, she said: ” Then how could you ask me “if I wanted to buy a bunch of neck?”

“Oh!” I nodded my head.   Then she said in creole: “tell him I want the chicken, plus one neck, two legs, and one gizzard, so I can cook a whole chicken for my Sunday dinner.”

I wanted to laugh so badly, but the colors she was wearing were an indication of how badly she could slap the crap out of me. So I behaved.

Just imagine how I had to tell the clerk, “this woman only wanted to buy: “ One hen, one neck, two chicken legs, one gizzard.”

He answered and said: “you mean, she wants to buy, the two ticken legs too?”

“Yap!” I responded.

Since I don’t’ speak Spanish, I can’t tell you what he said. But when all the guys started laughing, we knew it was not pleasant. We all started laughing, the whole store was laughing for at least ten minutes. Meanwhile, she never said one word. She just stood there, looking like a Hollywood star, with her bright shining shirt on. But I could tell she was preparing something good for him. So we all knew then, he was about to make the evening news.

When at last he handed over the bag with her request, he also had the never to say the following to her:

You forgot one more thing for the ticken. Don’t you want the shiiit too???

We all stood still, even afraid to breathe. All the other clerks stopped what they were doing as well. It was like a “stand still moment for the whole store.”

Then, she shook her head a couple times, while looking at him for a few second, she smiled, then she said with hand gestures:

“Oui, I buy the sheet. Then I give it bak to you. After that You know what to doo weet it? Take it homme with you, then call your wife, then raise her dress up, and you put it…”

“Oh! My God!” Screamed everyone in the store.   Then, as if it was a normal occurrence for him, he just laughed. Then he said: “Dyu curse me every Saturday. So I think Dyu are in love with me, and dyu just jealous I’m married.”

She turned back to look at him one more time, then said: “With your face looking like the time when “ wheat use to fight with chayote,” and your clothes looking like “When dirt is buying filth”  and you think I would want you!!!

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